TV

There are two different experiences, both called “Big Brother”.

One is the television show Big Brother, as the CBS producers present it to broadcast tv audiences, three times per week. But the other is what is actually going on in the Big Brother house; the experience of the house guests, unfiltered — or at least less filtered — by television editors.

Fetchland presents Ruining Big Brother. It’s less “spoiling” Big Brother and more pulling back the curtain, to ruin our collective illusions about reality television. Enjoy! Or better yet, recoil in horror…

Daily BB House Stats:
HOH – Nicole
HOH Nominated – Jozea, Paulie
Roadkill Comp Winner – Frank
RK Nominated – Bridgette
Veto Winner – Paul

Have-Nots – currently none
Punishment Status – Bridgette, Frank, Michelle, Paulie wear nudie pixel suits

Team Unicorn is safe for first 2 evictions
Corey, Tiffany are safe for 2nd eviction

Team Big Sister: Da’vonne, Paul, Zakiyah, Jozea
Team Category 4: Frank, Michelle, Paulie, Bridgette
Team Freakazoids: Nicole, Corey, Tiffany
Team Unicorn: James, Natalie, Victor, Bronte

It was a real slow night in the BB house with a tiny “talk show” from Paul and Jozea around two am that still counts as a refreshing break from a long day of vitriolic rants. The duo did this just for the feedsters and in the funniest part Jozea spells out his Instagram handle for us nice-and-slow only to have the camera man switch abruptly off him before he finishes. It flips to Paulie and Bridgette chatting about nothing before it a return to Jozea. Now Jozea gives makeup advice about how to remove lipstick stains and put on foundation, etc. …until Paul joins him and with a topic shift to beard advice. But the real talk starts after. They ask each other hypotheticals about situations like cheating, saving lives, and what would you do with a million bucks? That part’s fun getting to know Paul because he’s pretty likable and cool. Then the pair get confused because it seems like the camera on them stops filming. Paul responds to Jozea’s reprimands about swearing too much by saying, “I thought it was anything goes on the feeds, like you can show your dong and shit”. Bet that would turn the camera back on you, Paul!

There’s a strict BB House rule No Sleeping Outside The Bedrooms! Which is why cage-matchers who know the system (like Tiff) pull off the sunglass trick, pictured here. You can get away with a serious nap behind the facade of a semi-slouch and a big enough pair of shades. Why does this matter? FOMO, baby. Fear-of-missing-out is never been more significant than in the Big Brother house. Countless houseguests in the days of yore have missed out on their own imminent demise simply by napping out of earshot while the diabolical machinations rolled on in their absence. You gotta stay present, even if you’re secretly asleep the whole time. Nobody’s gonna plan your eviction while sitting right next to you.

Awkwardness ensued time after time on June 27th. Zakiyah worked as a gorgeous and unassuming secret double agent/messenger between teams. None are the wiser among the newbies. She’d sit with them and pick up tons of toys and soil in their newbie brand sandbox of gossip then slip inside to the HOH room and spill all the dirt she’d collected to the 8Pack. One such time Zak made this trip she was unaware that Jozea traipsed along right behind her in his doggie suit to then create a massive abyss of silence upon entering HOH. As you can see in the picture, Mama Day, on the bed, is the closest person to him with everyone else as far away on the other side of the room as possible. Body language speaks volumes, Jozea and all you have to do is look around a bit to see how these people feel about you. But, sadly it seems Jozea is illiterate when it comes to body language. He still believes he’s the most beloved cage-matcher ever. After all, Jozea IS the future Mario Lopez… yes, he’s said that too. Right after Jozea hosts the next Grammys he’ll be forced to endure the trials and tribulations of his future fame-soaked life as the next Mario Lopez. We wish you well whatever happens, Jozea because you entertain us and that’s the greatest gift of all.

Meanwhile Paul can’t keep his hands off Bronte. Whenever he’s near Bronte he’s got a hand on her. Bronte insists that she’s not interested in Paul but never says anything about his roaming hands. In our book, that’s called encouragement. There are lots of other pseudo-showmances in the house so this is kinda nothing on its face but we just wish Bronte would get real with Paul about it. Corey and Nicole have a certain attraction (maybe one-sided) as do Paulie and Zakiyah (NOT one-sided), along with the uber-obvious Natalie and Victor pairing. But these duos are more honest about this stuff than Bronte. One thing Wifey Spy needs to know, the longer you lead someone on, the fiercer the fire of their wrath when you finally get honest about it. Or maybe it’s the other cage-matchers or herself she’s not being honest with. Either way, the truth is likely to come out soon because these houseguests have NOTHING but time and each other. In other words, there’s a lot of leg-fondling in Wifey Spy’s future.

Favorite Fetchland quote of the day – Nicole to Michelle: Do they literally think Jozea’s sane?

BB Postcript – Another thing we learned today was that there’s a phone in HOH that you can use to call the London phone booth in the British-theme bedroom. Have some fun with phone calls cage-matchers!

– Katherine Recap

[For Silicon Valley “The Uptick” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
The Uptick. Richard and the guys of Pied Piper consider their company’s future; Gavin’s comeback is threatened.

The episode begins with confrontations all around. Gavin’s assistant confronts him about his use of real life endangered animals for making corporate analogies in board meetings. This practice led to the recent death of an elephant on the Hooli campus. She tells him none of this fits his “goodness at Hooli” paradigm. Thus Gavin fires her immediately rather than face his hypocrisy. His assistant turns in her Hooli gear and then calls Erlich’s tech blog to spill some dirt on Gavin. Bachman’s tech blogger then blackmails Gavin with the info to strike a deal. She ends up selling the blog to him for $2mill and thus providing Bachman with the cash he needs to be “somebody” yet again. And that he does right away. Right after, using pure bravado and pretending to be Bobby Fischer “if he could fuck,” Bachman creates a snowballing Silicon Valley rumor mill through mere enigmatic behavior. As a result, he scores Pied Piper a $6 million series B round funding offer on a $60mill valuation based entirely on the tiny little fake uptick Jared bought for the company from the click farm in India.

Then there’s confrontation number two, this time in Jared’s pseudo bedroom AKA Erlich’s garage. Turns out Richard knows about the fake users Jared bought for them. After the awkwardness of that confrontation, Richard finds out Dinesh ALSO knows the new users are fake… and Gilfoyle too. They aren’t upset, though, and present Richard with a flash drive that offers a way to hide the fake users from the vetting of the $6 mill offering VC company. Dinesh and Gilfoyle “finally respect him as a CEO” and they’re helping him because of it. So, he takes the flash drive to Jared suggesting they use it. Jared’s conscience shrieks too loudly and he says “don’t weaponize my faith in you against me,” but Richard decides to do it anyway. As Richard sits in the waiting room of the Venture Capitalist Company, Monica calls with confrontation number three and says not to do this shopping for funding without Raviga but he goes into the meeting anyway. Richard’s just about to sign the term sheet when he gets cold feet. Funny part is that his hesitancy makes them offer him $7mill on a $70mill valuation because they think it’s just negotiating tactics. This is the final straw for Richard. He then crumbles in the meeting under the weight of his conscience and honesty. Richard says he can’t commit fraud but all the infuriated Erlich can see is that his amazing deal is ruined. Bachman yells at him int he parking lot with premium grade ‘A’ righteousness.

Then Monica shows up at the incubator to see Richard. She heard about the fraud and understands he was just trying to protect Raviga from the backlash. So, she’s sorry how it’s all going downhill for him now with Pied Piper. Richard’s a lifesize sad sack next to glumtacular Jared as they sit side by side on his top bunk at Erlich’s. They’re like two bad boys sent to their room with no dinner. Meanwhile in the living room Dinesh and Gilfoyle find out that their new Pied Piper video chat app is doing very well with seven thousand organically developed users. It’s that app Dinesh cobbled together just so he could get a better look at their flirty Pied Piper employee a few episodes ago.

Laurie from Raviga sees Gavin in passing and tells him she’s forcing a sale of Pied Piper. So, just to be a dick, he offers her a million dollars for it. Meanwhile Richard visits Big Head to say goodbye because Big Head’s moving back in with his parents who want to oversee his money-handling challenges. While with Big Head he gets a call and he finds out about Gavin’s million dollar offer for PP. At the subsequent Raviga board meeting to discuss and approve this Pied Piper sale, Monica says she won’t vote yes for the sale and thus Laurie immediately fires her from the board. But then Richard votes yes, saying it’s an inevitable loss anyway. Then they find out that the ACTUAL buyer isn’t Gavin at all, though. It’s Bachmanity. When they sold their tech blog to Gavin, Bachmanity profited a million dollars and so when they heard about the Pied Piper sale, they decided to make a bid for one million and one dollars to buy it. They saved the company!

Richard tries to thank Erlich in the incubator backyard but he’s still magma mad and royally indignant… until he’s not. After partying with the team loosens Bachman’s sphincter, he can’t help but forgive his bro, Richard. They’re all in this together again, after all. In the final scene, Big Head’s decided to stay in Silicon Valley and be a part of his new investment in PP. Even Monica joins the team now because she was fired from Raviga, after all. It’s one big happy family, the band’s finally back together, and what a wonderful way to end a fabulous, hilarious season of Silicon Valley.

–Katherine Recap

There are two different experiences, both called “Big Brother”.

One is the television show Big Brother, as the CBS producers present it to broadcast tv audiences, three times per week. But the other is what is actually going on in the Big Brother house; the experience of the house guests, unfiltered — or at least less filtered — by television editors.

Fetchland presents Ruining Big Brother. It’s less “spoiling” Big Brother and more pulling back the curtain, to ruin our collective illusions about reality television. Enjoy! Or better yet, recoil in horror…

Daily BB House Stats:
HOH – Nicole
HOH Nominated – Jozea, Paulie
Roadkill Comp Winner – Frank
RK Nominated – Bridgette
Veto Winner – Paul

Have-Nots – currently none
Punishment Status – Bridgette, Frank, Michelle, Paulie wear nudie pixel suits

Team Unicorn is safe for first 2 evictions
Corey, Tiffany are safe for 2nd eviction

Team Big Sister: Da’vonne, Paul, Zakiyah, Jozea
Team Category 4: Frank, Michelle, Paulie, Bridgette
Team Freakazoids: Nicole, Corey, Tiffany
Team Unicorn: James, Natalie, Victor, Bronte

On the BB TV Show Ep 3 we find out that Jozea’s delusions of grandeur continue even when he’s in the diary room because he says he “rules this house” and thinks targeting Nicole is meaningful even while on the block. So, Jozea’s unduly focused on offense even when defense is all anyone can really do when nominated for eviction. Meanwhile Da’vonne plays a solid fake friend with Jozea while slamming him in her DR sessions because our girl knows how to play the game. In fact, she builds up a bigger alliance to protect the veterans and picks allies well, narrowing her sites on the cage-matchers who actually KNOW Big Brother. Da’vonne/Day starts with Zakiyah and then Michelle soon follows suit. Next Da’vonne pulls in Corey and Tiff to round it out perfectly and they become the 8Pack Alliance – inspired by Corey’s toned tummy.

The show then highlights the crucial element of this season feedsters have been discussing non-stop; many newbies really don’t know the game of BB at all. Specifically the ones not in the 8Pack alliance, other than Paulie who knows the game from his bro. Jozea knows Big Brother least of all the newbies. He walks around declaring that he’s coming after Nicole all day so it’s surprising he’s so stunned to be put up for eviction by her. Jozea also says about being on the block, “I’m not worried one bit because I know everybody in the house loves me,” snort. It’s as if he’s never seen even one episode of the show.

Then the Roadkill competition we heard so much about on the feeds is finally revealed with the BB RV pulling into the backyard. Houseguests in track suits need to strip down to swimsuits while “driving” the RV. If they take a hand off the driving instruments while changing it speeds up their timer a ton and will make their total time used much greater. The winner of the challenge gets down to their swimsuits in the least amount of time. So, they try their damnedest to keep the buttons all pushed while stripping. It’s exciting to watch our cage-matchers get uber creative using body parts to push buttons. We already knew that Frank won and then put Paul up on the block with this new RK power. But it’s still fun to see when and how he finds out he won the challenge and then hides it, containing his excitement to share the news with only his 8Pack alliance.

As we already know from the feeds, the newbies all think they know who won and they’re all wrong. It’s funny when Jozea says it was Paulie. He knows it … and he’s always right. Nobody else among the newbies is quite so certain or quite so completely wrong. Their guesses are at least in the correct alliance. Meanwhile in other alliance news, Natalie makes a new, petite one with Bridgette and Bronte to make their shared all-girl team dreams from pre-show interview days come true. They call their alliance Spy Girls, Natalie = Flirty Spy, Bronte = Wifey Spy, and Bridgette = Spunky Spy. It doesn’t really make sense to us what makes Bronte a “Wifey” but we’ll go along with that part at least for now purely on faith that it means something. The Spy part, though… That’s all wrong. The whole time they’re “plotting their alliance” Tiffany is merely a few feet away and can totally hear them from the hammock. Meanwhile these “spies” don’t even notice her. So far the whole spying thing doesn’t fly.

Next we see Category4 receive their Mystery punishment. It’s the pixel nudie costumes they’ve gotta wear for a week. A mucho amusing collage of nudie pixel living, loving, and dancing makes us laugh before the show settles into a more serious mode to reveal Frank’s secretly selected third nominee – Paul. Jozea has the most upset reaction of everyone while Paul declares himself Bearded Rambo and pumps his arm in victory. It’s all in good show and this guy knows how to put one on, it seems.

The feeds were pretty uneventful yet again on Sunday, June 26th, with a brief bit of fun dramatics after an hour and a half of the POV meeting where Paul took himself off the block and then Bridgette was put up in his place. Some of the funny parts included Jozea calling himself the “glue that holds everybody together,” and “a motivational speaker,” arousing dead-eyed non-reactions from his cage-match peers. They then go off to whisper about it later with others, of course. The house division feels like a line drawn in the sand with each side slamming the other at every secret convo opportunity. Tiff, Vic, and Jozea get the most beatdowns of all, which is surprising considering that Paul and Bronte seem to be the most polarizing on the surface. But that’s the thing about the feeds… you really get to see below the surface. In the Big Brother cage match it’s about trusting your gut and the visceral reactions people get from living together are a powerful force. Instincts matter much more than tattoos or a piercing baby voice when assessing people. On a side note, Paul has the major hots for Bronte and even though she says she’s not into it, she’s not pushing his roaming hands away either.

– Katherine Recap

[For Game of Thrones “The Winds of Winter” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
The Winds of Winter. Latest episode of the hit series.

After this week’s episode of Game of Thrones my podcast / Fetchland / et cetera partner BDM sent me a text intimating that season six’s finale might be the most satisfying episode of television ever.

Was it?

Certainly “The Winds of Winter” was close. We got crucial background information, found out what all our favorite characters are up to (no matter how far flung), and even saw multiple arcs come full circle. With so many important storylines being resolved I decided to go big on my overarching theme this week with…

My Top 8 Aw Shit Moments of “The Winds of Winter”:

1. Cersei Blows Up the Great Sept of Baelor

Going into “The Winds of Winter” young King Tommen really put his mom into a pickle. By banning trial by combat Tommen took away Cersei’s ace in the hole — the Mountain — as her preferred champion. The High Sparrow tried Ser Loras first.

Loras fell far, though pointlessly, here. He “admitted” his many “sins” (“I lay with other men including the traitor Renly Baratheon”); and was mutilated by the Faith Militant for his troubles. A broken Loras capped off his confession with a knife to the forehead, renouncing everything that made him who he is [was], to the horror of other Tyrells present.

Margaery noticed — and soon enough — that there was something wrong. Cersei didn’t show up for her own trial. Unfortunately the Faith Militant kept Margaery and the other nobles from successfully fleeing as the great Sept went up in a green explosion of wildfire.

Some decades before the action of “The Winds of Winter” began, Jaime Lannister betrayed his Kingsguard oaths to save King’s Landing from the caches of wildfire hidden beneath the streets by a mad Targaryen. Once she was put into a corner, Jaime’s sister took all of one episode to blow the place up using those same damnable resources; High Sparrow, Tyrell family, and landmark all at once.

2. Tommen Flings Himself Out the Window

Tommen, like his absent mother, was supposed to have attended the day’s trials. However the Mountain kept King Tommen in his room; a safety measure to prevent him from entering an exploding Sept.

After seeing the destruction — destruction that cost him his wife and his new best buddy the High Sparrow — Tommen was overcome with emotion. Was it just loss? Was it the realization that he cast the proximate die by outlawing trial by combat? We’ll never know because Tommen didn’t say hardly anything this episode before committing suicide.

And so, in consecutive season finales, Cersei and Jaime lose actually decent child after actually decent child.

Even as she gets a measure of revenge over a cruel septa (and in anticipation of #8, below) we must ask Well Cersei, was it all worth it?

I’ve seen every episode of this show, read every novel (some more than twice), and even comics like The Hedge Knight… And I honestly don’t know what she would answer.

3. A Conspiracy in Dorne

“The last time a Tyrell came to Dorne he was assassinated.”

-The Queen of Thorns

The Lannisters declared war on Dorne after the murder of Princess Myrcella at the end of last season; and old Olenna must take the deaths of her house’s Lord, as well as grandchildren Loras and Margaery, in the Sept explosion as declaration of war on House Tyrell (though knowing Cersei it is unclear if this was by accident, design, spite, negligence, or even jealousy). As she says, Cersei stole her House’s future.

Dorne and the Reach, close neighbors, have traditionally been enemies; but here they begin to entertain an alliance of strong women, the Red Viper’s paramour and Sand Snake bastards + Olenna Tyrell… and another strong woman from across the sea.

“Fire and Blood.”

-The words of House Targaryen, also Varys

We find out where Varys went a couple of episodes ago. The Master of Whispers set out to Dorne to help forge a waiting alliance for Dany’s invasion force. The Martells (or Sands, I guess) would have been formidable allies; but thanks to Cersei’s wildfire play, it seems Dany gets the wealthy Tyrells to boot!

4. “My name is Arya Stark”

“The Winds of Winter” is one of the most philosophical episodes of Game of Thrones ever. Cersei is on the precipice of everything she ever wanted (if also nothing); so is Dany. All it cost either woman was love after love after love. We learn a bit about how Littlefinger’s brain works (more on that in one bullet), and get quite a meditation on war from Walder Frey.

Old Walder — never himself much of a warrior — has quite the pragmatic outlook on battle, on fear, on power… Which seems to fit given his best buddy position with dominant House Lannister (presumably both Lannister and Baratheon, but we don’t hear much about the actual royal house). Jaime points out that if the Freys are supposed to hold the Riverlands, but the Lannisters have to come up to bail them out every time, What do they need the Freys for?

Well, Walder won, and he’s going to have his dinner.

Where are his sons?

His serving girl says the sons are there already.

Huh?

In the most Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street moment we will likely get on Game of Thrones, Walder peels back his meat pie to reveal a human finger. Is he horrified he is eating human, or is it that he is eating his own son?

The serving girl reveals herself, removing a Braavosi false face… and it is Arya!

“My name is Arya Stark…”

Power.

Wow.

Power.

Arya appears to have the full abilities of a Faceless Man, having been declared “finally no one” last week… but while retaining her own personality. Woe to her enemies list! This is the last we’ll see of Lord Walder Frey, whose neck is opened from ear to ear by presumably the most powerful assassin on two continents; a teenage girl.

5. Sansa Turns Down Littlefinger

Littlefinger, remember, was deeply intermingled with the troubles of the Stark family (and of the Seven Kingdoms) from the beginning. The Valyrian steel dagger that implicated Tyrion, the betrayal of the Gold Cloaks at the end of Season One, the conspiracy with Olenna against then-King Joffrey, and even “selling” Sansa to the Boltons all had his ahem little fingers pulling the strings.

Littlefinger thrives on chaos. He is both one of the smartest players in the Game of Thrones and one of the most patient. Finally, in what seems like a moment of true candor we see where he is coming from and what is actually motivating him.

“Every time I am faced with a decision I close my eyes and see the same picture. Whenever I consider an action I ask myself, will this action help me make this picture a reality? Pull it out of my mind and into the world? And I only act if the answer is yes: A picture of me on the Iron Throne and you by my side.”

-Littlefinger

Littlefinger has been carrying a torch for the Stark girls — Catelyn really — for decades; heck, he even engineered the death of her husband! Sansa is the younger, prettier, version of Catelyn Tully; with her fair features and light hair, she is the opposite of Jon or Arya’s darker Stark coloring. You almost have to admire Littlefinger’s focus if not his methods.

… But more than that you have to admire Sansa’s resolve: Knights of the Vale to the rescue or not, she rebuffs him (for now), throwing in with Jon. It is an interesting question, though: Who makes for a stronger [King] in the North, the nameless bastard or the trueborn daughter of Ned Stark? He certainly seems to favor the latter… King in the North being a nice stepping-stone to Iron Throne for himself, maybe.

6. The Secret Origin of Jon Snow

To the surprise of literally no one (shout out to Arya and Jaqen!) Jon Snow is confirmed by Bran-warg as the bastard child of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark. After the fight at the Tower of Joy, young Ned encounters his sister, so bloody she has sprayed the room in childbirth. We see her secure the promise from her big brother to “Protect him, Ned” … Fearing Robert, their ally and her betrothed; Jon, so many ways, a threat to Robert’s young crown.

7. The King in the North

The contrast is, ahem, Stark.

Led by the ever-decisive Lyanna Mormont, the Northern Lords, Knights of the Vale, and Free Folk unite under Jon Snow “whose name is Stark” as King in the North. It isn’t even clear that Jon wants it; but he’s through and through the leader they all want. All the Manderlys and Glovers prostrate themselves, beg forgiveness, and promise to be true the next time Jon calls. He is gracious in victory and reminds them that though winter has finally come (as his father and the Stark words always promised) the true enemy will not wait out the storm, but bring it.

Now that Jon is confirmed to be the son of Rhaegar and Lyanna, the rhetoric about Jon being Ned Stark’s son in the North takes a very different color. I mean if the Northern Lords are going to accept the bastard carrying Ned Stark’s blood, is there much difference if he has Lyanna Stark’s blood? I guess Sansa officially has the better claim (“boy + bastard” v. “younger daughter of the same father” being more up for debate). But at the same time, if you’re willing to swallow the “bastard” bit, Jon has the stronger claim on the Iron Throne relative to Auntie Dany.

8. Cersei on the Iron Throne

The final moments of “The Winds of Winter” see Jaime return to Kings Landing, oblivious to the death of his last child, but arriving just in time for his twin’s coronation. It is impossible to read his true emotions — or hers — as Cersei is sworn in as the First of Her Name next to Hand of the King Queen Qyburn. Jaime and Cersei are so controlled in this scene… It’s hard to contextualize given the world of trouble they are about to be in so soon after a seeming victory.

The ending is ominous and perfect: “The Winds of Winter” gave us so much, revealed so much… Yet more than anything else, left us begging for the next episode… Which is unfortunately a year away.

Top 8 Assorted Thoughts:

1. Tyrion, now Hand to Dany, has served twice in the role, under two different “Kings” of Westeros.
2. How long does it take to cross the Narrow Sea? Varys left Meereen, negotiated a conspiracy with the Sand Snakes and Olenna, and managed to make it back onto Dany’s flagship before the invasion force left; ditto Arya.
3. How do the actual Game battle lines look? With Frey dead you almost feel like Tully will reclaim the Riverlands (sadly without the Blackfish) and declare for House Stark. That leaves the Lannisters essentially alone (their last “Baratheon” dead) versus a conspiracy of Martell + Tyrell + Targaryen + Greyjoy to the south and southeast; and the old coalition of Stark + Arryn + presumably Tully + presumably Baratheon to the North (the Onion Knight being Hand of the Baratheon King, now declared for Jon Snow). Sans Dragons I’d give the edge to the Stark coalition; it will be interesting to see how Jon’s old friendship with Tyrion and the Dragon reaction to an undead Targaryen King of the North play out.
4. Can Jon cross the Wall?
5. Will Arya reunite with Nymeria?
6. Will Dany see political blowback from dismissing Daario, a man who truly loves her?
7. Who is going to finally give Cersei hers? Queen of Thorns? Someone with the last name “Sand”? True Queen of the Seven Kingdoms Daenerys Targaryen? Fetchland money is on Arya!
8. I get the Dothraki are showing off being ripped and all, but in case they didn’t get the memo in Essos, Winter is here.

LOVE
MIKE

There are two different experiences, both called “Big Brother”.

One is the television show Big Brother, as the CBS producers present it to broadcast tv audiences, three times per week. But the other is what is actually going on in the Big Brother house; the experience of the house guests, unfiltered — or at least less filtered — by television editors.

Fetchland presents Ruining Big Brother. It’s less “spoiling” Big Brother and more pulling back the curtain, to ruin our collective illusions about reality television. Enjoy! Or better yet, recoil in horror…

Daily BB House Stats:
HOH – Nicole
HOH Nominated – Jozea, Paulie
Roadkill Comp Winner – Frank
RK Nominated – Paul
Veto Winner – Paul

Have-Nots – currently none
Punishment Status – Bridgette, Frank, Michelle, Paulie wear nudie pixel suits

Team Unicorn is safe for first 2 evictions
Corey, Tiffany are safe for 2nd eviction

Team Big Sister: Da’Vonne, Paul, Zakiyah, Jozea
Team Category 4: Frank, Michelle, Paulie, Bridgette
Team Freakazoids: Nicole, Corey, Tiffany
Team Unicorn: James, Natalie, Victor, Bronte

The day begins around noon eastern time, nine AM cage-matcher time as Frank talks to himself (us) in the beautiful backyard. He verifies facts for us about the Roadkill challenge and his role in nominating Paul then makes us laugh with a tirade of self-deprecation.

Over coffee Paul gives Nicole a lecture series on traveling the world and society’s over-reliance on money for happiness. He goes on and on and she’s never been better at the head nod and smile routine. It soon becomes clear that Paul’s conference-on-Paul shall continue all day and into the wee hours as Jozea gives a parallel lecture-series-on-Jozea from his bed/throne on the other funtacular feeds. James, hearby declared “best-smelling Houseguest” by the ladies, and all the smelly guys too find themselves listening and head nodding all day long. Soon we feedsters realize this is classic early days and that means a lot of cage-match convos that come to nothing. An awkward political discussion in the fake grass sends several conflict-avoidant houseguests fleeing across the coolest BB backyard yet. That was the most exciting event of the day – election talk. Yawn.

So, there’s lots of napping and bitching to spare on Feeds – June 24th. We notice many cage-matchers complain that Victor is “selfish” and “greedy” because he eats a lot and does things like use the (rare in the BB house) avocados to make a face mask for himself. The ladies find him annoying in general, except Natalie, who can’t help but occasionally cuddle him. Most of the cage-matcher conversations, though, were about absolutely nada today, with many of them even explicitly saying they don’t want to talk game. Speaking of talking in circles, Natalie and Victor discuss the “relationship” they never really had or wanted while cuddling in bed together, the Platonic ideal of saying one thing while actively doing the opposite.

The afternoon brought a spunky puppet show in the kitchen with Da’vonne and Victor holding colorful stuffed animals up to the counter. Jozea, the king of late night promises, declares there will be another puppet show at night. He’s notorious now after making a serious habit of promising crucial meetings and spectacular shows for “2AM” or “later tonight” that never come to light.

It’s interesting how much more attractive the houseguests are when they get all natural and normal after being in the house awhile. Their stiff, made-up, smiling facades from the pre show interviews fall away and we can see them simply as they are (on TV). Thus, whereas before they looked like TV characters, now they seem to simply be beautiful people. As always, we can’t help but start to see resemblances between houseguests and celebrities too. For instance, Bronte brings Tori Spelling to mind and Bridgette is the spitting image of the singer Bjork.

A funny moment happens on the hammock when Michelle says she wants to work out but can’t because her nudie pixel outfit prevents it and then the camera pans behind her where Paulie rides a stationary bike in his pixel suit with great ferocity and speed. Meanwhile Day (Da’vonne) makes a lovely dinner for everyone and they’re appropriately grateful. Tiff, though, was a sad bunny all night. If you wanted semi-fun, nominally entertaining feeds instead of sad bunnytime, you could swing over to watch drunk Paul on auto-repeat with the “I’m so drunk, guys”. We could’ve easily mistaken him for a college girl at a frat party. Truth is, Frank let out a fart that was more interesting than drunken Paul. Paulie even said, “That one makes my list of top five most well-timed farts ever,” like in the history of the world, dudes.

So, it wasn’t the most exciting day feed-wise, but strap yourselves in because Sunday night will be a spicy show with lots of thrills on the feeds right after. Sure, you’ll likely be watching the Game of Thrones finale at the time… We get it! That’s why we’re here – to share our delightful dish of ruination and recap with you the very next day. Fetchland lives to serve you, baby!

– Katherine Recap

There are two different experiences, both called “Big Brother”.

One is the television show Big Brother, as the CBS producers present it to broadcast tv audiences, three times per week. But the other is what is actually going on in the Big Brother house; the experience of the house guests, unfiltered — or at least less filtered — by television editors.

Fetchland presents Ruining Big Brother. It’s less “spoiling” Big Brother and more pulling back the curtain, to ruin our collective illusions about reality television. Enjoy! Or better yet, recoil in horror…

Daily BB House Stats:
HOH – Nicole
HOH Nominated – Jozea, Paulie
Roadkill Comp Winner – Frank
RK Nominated – Paul
Veto Winner – Paul

Have-Nots – currently none
Punishment Status – Bridgette, Frank, Michelle, Paulie wear nudie pixel suits

Team Unicorn is safe for first 2 evictions
Corey, Tiffany are safe for 2nd eviction

Team Big Sister: Da’Vonne, Paul, Zakiyah, Jozea
Team Category 4: Frank, Michelle, Paulie, Bridgette
Team Freakazoids: Nicole, Corey, Tiffany
Team Unicorn: James, Natalie, Victor, Bronte

June 24th was a costume-filled extravaganza… OK, not really but there were a lot of costumes. Many in the house are currently gunning for Jozea to go home this week and thus are quick to point out his flaws as soon as he’s out of earshot. This is classic BB and, let’s just be really honest, humanity at large.

Michelle wore a fire hydrant costume to host the veto comp. Da’Vonne and Corey played along with Nicole, Jozea, Paulie, and Paul. Afterwards feedsters quickly found out Paul won the veto. We don’t know much about the Roadkill Competition yet (it’s a new one) but we do know it enabled the winner, Frank, to add Paul to the eviction block in a secret twist. Nobody else in the house is aware that it was Frank who won and many houseguests wrongly assume it was Nicole. So, now that Paul won veto and will take himself off the block, Frank will (secretly) name a replacement when the time comes. The veto challenge players wore doggie costumes to go along with Michelle’s hydrant, and the competition involved stacking, spinning and crawling through a tunnel. Afterward the players were nauseated and complainier than usual. Oh the spinning, oh the tunnel, of the indignity of it all… Veto players wore their dog suits for a long time, which made the serious discourse of the 2am “pre-meeting” funnier than it was intended. Paul also wore his veto around his neck much longer than anyone has in BB history.

The now notorious non-starter two am meetings are still getting called daily by Jozea and then not happening at all. This time, though he says the meeting is “crucial”, and everyone but Tiffany’s invited. The meeting never happens but they do hold a pre-meeting with Team Big Sister, Team Unicorn, and Paulie to discuss who they’d put up in place of Paul when he takes himself off the block with the veto. This shows how these newbies don’t really know how it works because the one with the power to nominate is always also the one who decides the re-nomination after a veto removal. Because the houseguests don’t know who nominated Paul, there’s really no way for them to influence the replacement. Jozea got the meeting pumpin’ to the jam with a pep talk saying they “own the house!!” although this couldn’t be farther from the current reality. In fact, right now it looks like Jozea will be the one going home – first evicted. His game strategy is to tell the HOH she’s the target and then walk around the house as if he owns the place… which seems more like a Joffrey Lannister impression than a Big Brother strategy.

Tiffany finally told Paulie she’s Vanessa’s sister and they bonded a little with how much they feel like they fit in better with the veterans than most of the newbie “crazy people”. Big Brother boozes them up a bit and several of them shotgun beers before a hasty round of Spin the Bottle and Truth or Dare, with gross-out tasks. It all concluded with Victor doing a nudie pixel streak with a borrowed butt placard. He’s a handsome fella but nobody’s falling for his schtick thus far.

[For Penny Dreadful “Finale” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

Showtime Summary:
Finale. It’s the end.

Coming into the season three and series finale of Penny Dreadful nobody knew that this is where the story would end. Nobody except Vanessa Ives. As everything in the story swirls from one stabby, blood-soaked scene to another it all spirals to the final apocalyptic battle between good and evil. Of course, it’s not as if we weren’t warned. They’ve been spelling it out for us for three whole seasons and Vanessa Ives most of all. Every other word out of her mouth, it seems, was about the “end of days” and the final showdown between dark and light… and she really did mean final, it turns out.

Fetchland didn’t get ANY of our wishes with this finale and we’re not ashamed to say that the whole thing made us pretty damn sad to boot. Justine took a knife in the gut from remorseless, arrogant Dorian and all the lady warriors left soon after to avoid the same fate. Meanwhile Lily escaped Dr. Frankenstein’s needle with the heartbreaking story of her baby daughter’s death. She then returned to Dorian only to turn right back around and leave him forever with his words, “You’ll be back,” trailing after her. At least Lily got away. Of course, she’s devastated at the loss of Justine, “another dead child,” but she leaves as unscathed as an immortal with a broken heart and soul can possibly be.

The Creature’s not quite so lucky. Not only does his beloved son, Jack, die but then his wife Marge demands that he take the boy’s body to Dr. Frankenstein to be revived as he was. If he doesn’t do this, Marge declares that she never wants to see him again. This ultimatum certainly won’t do for the one man in the world who truly knows the torment of this “revival” she demands. He takes the boy’s body to the sea and floats him away on a watery grave of tears and The River Thames. Sadness reigns.

So, at this point we have two main characters sad and alone along with a destroyed city where the air has become poison, killing tens of thousands overnight while night creatures run the show. Frogs crawl out of air ducts in offices by the hundreds, vampires wander the streets, and all the innocent humans are dying in droves. It doesn’t bode well for the world of Penny Dreadful. They cap off the Dr. Jekyll character by securing his future as an aristocratic Lord with the death of his father and we never get to see the beast Hyde. It’s disappointing to say the least. Perhaps we’re meant to ponder how there are hidden monsters inside men even at the highest class ranks but we were already well aware of that; those of us who keep our eyes open and read the newspaper once in awhile, anyway. On the other hand, in a much less disappointing character arc, Catriona saves the day and Ethan’s life when the mighty trio return from the American West to save Vanessa and encounter a vampire instead. She explains that it’s the “end of days” and secures her position in Fetchland’s opinion as the perfect new James Bond. Her character has everything Bond needs to find a bigger audience and freshen that jaded brand. Catriona fights with a clever ferocity that squashes any man’s attempt to outdo her… plus she’s British with rad fencing skills.

But let’s get back to this desperately sad finale. Next Dr. Seward also helps the trio find Vanessa using Renfield under hypnosis as their guide. During their journey to Dracula, Renfield mentions that he believes if he’d had a friend like Seward in his life before maybe he wouldn’t have fallen into Dracula’s clutches. This reminds us of how Penny Dreadful often meditates upon the healing power of friendship. It’s one of the lasting and profound themes that remains an intrinsic message of this story even in this weeptacular finale. Actually this is the very idea we’re left with at the end of the show in the graveyard scene where these same characters congregate.

Kaetany and Ethan fight side by side as werewolves during the search for Vanessa and then Ethan finds out Kaetany was his “maker” but there’s really no time to get pissy about it. The world needs saving and Ethan’s the only man/wolf for the job. He does have his friends at his side, though, for the final showdown; Catriona, Malcolm, Drs. Frankenstein & Seward, along with Kaetany. At first, Dracula gives them a chance to retreat because Vanessa “wants them to live” but they say, “Fuck no,” and wage battle anyway. Silver bullets fly hither and fro while Catriona impresses with mighty hand-to-hand combat, stabby warfare, and acrobatics. We absolutely adore her. Next Ethan slips away from the gunfight and finds Vanessa at the end of a long hallway full of lit candles. Vanessa tells Ethan it’s all her fault. Turns out she’s the mother of all evil. So sad, so lost, so alone. It’s over for her and for the world unless he takes her out. She has to be the martyr to save the world. He kisses her and, reluctantly, kills her. As Vanessa dies she says she sees the Lord and looks happy at last. But we’re bereft and feeling pretty stabby ourselves. Martyrdom is the worst! We hate it. Fight, fight, fight, we always say. Never give up!… and whatnot.

The friends all hate it too. But then Dracula disappears, the sun comes back out, and the world is saved. Vanessa died so that the world could go on. We get it but we’re still bereft. In the final scene the friends go to Vanessa’s grave. The Creature waits until they all leave and then visits the grave as well and although we’re sadder than sad we also hear him recite the most beautiful funeral soliloquy. It’s from William Wordsworth’s, Ode to Immortality and, because we’re jaded old sods, we can’t remember the last time a poem actually made us cry. But this one does and we remember once again the sublime art of perfectly crafted verse and how it feels to be moved by the purity of words. Thank you for that, Penny Dreadful. You touched us with your gorgeous story and true artistry even while you took it all away from us forever.

–Katherine Recap

There are two different experiences, both called “Big Brother”.

One is the television show Big Brother, as the CBS producers present it to broadcast tv audiences, three times per week. But the other is what is actually going on in the Big Brother house; the experience of the house guests, unfiltered — or at least less filtered — by television editors.

Fetchland presents Ruining Big Brother. It’s less “spoiling” Big Brother and more pulling back the curtain, to ruin our collective illusions about reality television. Enjoy! Or better yet, recoil in horror…

Welcome to Fetchland’s last “pure TV show” Big Brother post of the summer. It’s gonna be mostly feeds onward from here with a few TV bits sprinkled in purely for information sake. This is all about RUIN and the TV show only helps Fetchland as contrast for that purpose. But for now we still don’t have feeds, so, tune in tomorrow, June 25th, for loads of ruinous feed up-to-the-moment info. Meanwhile, the second episode of the “Premiere” opens as the Freakazoids freak out because they have to battle each other to decide the first evicted houseguest of the season.

In the next room a relieved Da’vonne comforts weeping Tiffany. It’s hilarious how Da’vonne recounts that Tiffany confessed “what she already knows” and then they bond. They laugh together over how Tiffany vowed not to be too emotional and is already breaking down on day two. Then Da’vonne tells Tiff she has to fight and it’s just the right amount of pep talk she needs. Meanwhile Paul gives the rest of the Freakazoids a lecture series about how they really must get rid of Nicole because she’s a veteran and he’s Mr. Bossypants McGee. Corey doesn’t seem so sure and who can blame him? Nicole is cute and sweet and… not at all Paul.

Then Da’vonne, Frank, and James have a pow wow about how they have to stick together while Nicole and Corey have an alliance chat about the first HOH in the storage room. She connives him into “having the idea” of handing her the first HOH. HOH is an ultra important element of Big Brother. Every week the houseguests compete for the title. The previous week’s HOH can’t compete in this and thus have to sit out. But the rest all fight hard because the HOH nominates two houseguests who will go up for eviction that week. During each week there’s also a Veto competition and the two nominees fight in it along with three other players and the HOH. Whomever wins can take one of the nominees off the block, including themselves if they’re not on the nomination block and is they do use the Veto to pull someone off the block they are then safe from nomination. After this Veto ceremony there’s a new nomination in which the HOH picks another houseguest to replace the vetoed one. So, HOH is a powerful position and notorious for “going to a Houseguest’s head” as if they forget it’s only for one week and suddenly believe they are King of BB house. Nicole knows all this and she’s definitely playing the game this season.. and, a lady who’s well-known for her fluffy hairstyle confections, she’s got even better blonde popover action this season too.

Now it’s competition time and the Freakazoids are each stranded on a tiny wobbly island with a palm tree and coconuts. Because balance is a critical factor, the ladies have an intrinsic advantage in this challenge. Glenn’s playing slow motion style while Nicole kicks ass and wins quickly, thus guaranteeing her safety. Tiffany struggles against the coconut conspiracy until finally getting second place safety. So, it’s down to Glenn and Corey with a “photo finish” between the two. The winner is Corey but only by a tiny fraction of a second. Thus Glenn is the first eviction. Now the leftover three Freakazoids need to choose an HOH and, through Nicole’s subtle machinations, end up giving it to her – just how she wanted it. The newbies are henceforth pissed, especially Mr. Bossypants Mcgee, Paul. Looks like furious fireworks will fly after the goodbye hugs for Glenn, who will be forgotten the minute the door swooshes shut upon his exit.

Back in the house, Paul gives Corey the WTF hairy eyeball and yellorama in the storage room while Corey just gets all squirmy and inarticulate in response. Victor talks to Nicole and he’s looking Kaysar-style dreamy while telling her Jozea is coming after the veterans, “handing her a nominee on a silver platter” as Nicole later says in the diary room. Then James pranks Nicole while she’s in the shower, pretending to be Victor and telling her that all the newbies are coming after her… but he soon admits to just being a sillyhead.

Then team Big Sister gets their Have-Not situation explained with slop for their meals and a bumper car/circus bedroom. Their beds are bumper cars and crazy colorful lights that will flash all hours. It’s odd that we don’t find out the Mysteryland punishment that team Category4 earned in the Rocket competition but BB often has trouble covering it all within the TV show, which isn’t really their fault. There’s so much going on! This is why the feeds are so much fun and helpful for BB fans. They fill in all the information gaps while giving us a window into the everyday cage-matches within the Big Brother house.

In the first awesome hammock convo of the season Jozea calls himself the “messiah of the newbies” to the inwardly outraged but outwardly nodding Da’vonne. She’s taking note of all his BS and then relates it in the funniest diary room session yet. Lady Day also tells Nicole all this dirt, thus reinforcing her HOH decision to put Jozea up for eviction. It’s all just so frigging easy for Nicole thus far. She tells Corey she’s going to put Jozea up and then Paulie next to him only because “Paulie will definitely fight to win the veto and ensure that Jozea goes home”. So, she won’t have the infamous “blood on her hands” we’re always hearing about in the BB house. Is this a Shakespearean tragedy or a network reality show? Hard to tell sometimes.

Nicole then tries to convince Paulie it’s a good idea for him to go up as a pawn and he points out that the worst case scenario often happens and pawns go home. Going “up as a pawn” is when an HOH wants one particular player to be evicted so they put an ally up and try to get the house on board with votes all evicting the houseguest they prefer. It often backfires and is a controversial, but common, BB tactic. Nicole has to admit Paulie’s right and pawns do often go home regardless of the HOH’s wishes but then she puts him up on the block anyway. The nominations ceremony is another element of BB that isn’t shown on the feeds, so we see it here on the TV show when Nicole puts up Paulie next to Jozea. The funniest line of this Premiere2 episode lies in Nicole’s “explanation” behind her nominations when she claims that it was “so hard because there just weren’t many to choose from,” in a completely full house. Haha. We love you, Nicole but that excuse would only work during ANY other week this summer.

Stay tuned to Fetchland.com for BB18 daily updates on feeds drama and fun along with our twitter feed @RuiningBB18 for tiny cheerful rants and lots of screencaps all day and night throughout our infinite summer of 2016 Ruining Big Brother.

– KatherineRecap

[For Preacher “Monster Swamp” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

AMC Summary:
Monster Swamp. Jesse makes Quinncannon a bet he can’t refuse; and Cassidy works to fend off the angels. Meanwhile, Tulip tries to bring justice to Annville.

Las week’s episode got me a little nervous about the future of this show. The first two episodes of the show did a great job of introducing us to the main characters, getting us invested in their storylines, and setting up the thematic style of the show. That’s exactly what you want from a new show. However, once you get to episode three, you’re hoping for a little more focus on the primary storylines and some additional development of the supporting characters. Unfortunately we didn’t really get that last week, which got me concerned and afraid they would just keep introducing weird characters and rely on gonzo action sequences to get us to tune back in.

Fortunately, this week felt much more structured and got me invested in characters other than Cassidy and Tulip.

“Monster Swamp” opened up with a really crazy sequence that was straight out of a John Carpenter movie, with a woman running around town in her underwear being chased by a pickup truck with flood lights (and as we all know, anyone who drives a pickup truck with flood lights is clearly a creep). At first I thought this might be a standalone episode, like what The X-Files used to do, where they’d take a break from the primary storylines and focus on a story that would be resolved that week. I even brought up the info on the episode in the guide and fully expected to see “Preacher uses his powers to catch a serial killer who is terrorizing Annville.” However you quickly come to realize that this isn’t a serial killer scenario as much as an ill-advised paintball game being played by the men of QM&C that ends disastrously for one of the prostitutes from the local brothel.

The sequence serves two functions:

1. It helps show how much power Odin Quinncannon hand his employees have in Annville
2. It gets Tulip angry which leads to an important sequence in the brothel with her and Cassidy

Much of the episode was really as much about the past as it was about the present. As Jesse comes to grips with his powers and how he feels best to use them, we start to get flashbacks of Jesse’s past, and in particlar, his father and how he acted as a preacher. Jesse’s dad was clearly an authoritarian figure, but also one who took his job as town savior very seriously. The flashbacks also gave us a little more insight into Odin Quinncannon, and what his role was in the town and how he clearly had a relationship with Jesse and his father.

Four episodes in, here are the main points we’ve learned about Odin Quinncannon (played masterfully by Jackie Earl Haley):

• He’s a powerful man in Annville
• He hates clean energy
• He has no problem urinating in briefcases
• He enjoys listening to animals being slaughtered
• He loves Q’Bert

Through the flashbacks we also learn that Jesse’s father tried to “save” Quinn back in the day but couldn’t, claiming that “Some people just can’t be saved.” Jesse realizes that if he can do what his father can’t, it would inspire his congregation, and even the town, and he could finally leverage his powers into something truly good.

On the other side of town, fueled by rage over how the men of QM&C recklessly killed (even if by accident) her friend Lacey, Tulip attacks a man in the brothel she believes to be the man responsible. However it turns out it’s actually Cassidy who falls out the window, seemingly very injured. Tulip soon discovers that Cassidy is not a normal guy and Cassidy discovers (like the rest of us) that Tulip is super cute and awesome. We’ll see how that plays out next episode, but I’m glad the vampire secret is out of the bag with at least one of the core three.

Similar to last week, there wasn’t a really amazing action sequence like there were in episodes one and two. But unlike last week, I think this episode was much more structured and grounded in helping us understand what Jesse’s objective is and what fueled that. It also helped flesh out some of the supporting characters (Quinncannon and Emily), and helped bond two of the core three (Tulip and Cassidy), so overall I’m pleased with how things went down.

Some other thoughts:

• The two angels here to collect Jesse’s powers into a coffee can don’t appear to be authorized to be here by the powers above
• They also have a phone that allows them to speak to their bosses in heaven, which was surprising because I didn’t expect God to still have a land line
• Emily is sweet and I’m glad to see that she had a sex buddy (even if it was the wimpy mayor of Annville

–Osyp Lebedowicz

There are two different experiences, both called “Big Brother”.

One is the television show Big Brother, as the CBS producers present it to broadcast tv audiences, three times per week. But the other is what is actually going on in the Big Brother house; the experience of the house guests, unfiltered — or at least less filtered — by television editors.

Fetchland presents Ruining Big Brother. It’s less “spoiling” Big Brother and more pulling back the curtain, to ruin our collective illusions about reality television. Enjoy! Or better yet, recoil in horror…

Unfortunately, we can’t ruin anything for you quite yet because the live feeds of what’s “really” going on in the Big Brother house won’t start until Thursday night after the end of the two initial “Premiere Episodes”. So, for now we’ll just introduce the basics and get you up to speed before we hit the “reality” raceway. During the season we’ll reference the TV show quite a bit, especially when it comes to competitions. BB holds tons of comps and they NEVER show them on the feeds so “feedsters” have to play Sherlock and deduce what happened from all the post-competition convos and drama. Lucky for us, there’s mucho drama in the house so it’s usually pretty easy to figure it all out pronto. Another aspect of Big Brother that’s never on the feeds is the “diary room sessions” and they’re crucial to understanding the inner workings of individual characters. Some characters give good diary room and they tend to be either the more emotional brand of houseguest or just flat-out diabolical – like Evel Dick (Dick Donato). We already have a great example this season with Da’vonne, who gives amazeballs diary room because she’s not only hardcore emotional but also incredibly funny and articulate. We know a lot of BB fans aren’t into Da’vonne but we’re not ashamed of our adoration. Fetchland is for lovers, not haters and we can find something nice to say about ANYBODY. That may sound easy, but if so you’re probably not a fan of Big Brother – yet.

BB18 begins with our fav ChenBot, Julie, delightfully perfect in a lipstick red evening gown for premiere night. Right away she tells us there are four secret stowaways tucked away in the house. This is the first of three “twists” to be revealed tonight. BB is all about twists, expecting the unexpected, and messing with houseguest heads. In the immortalized words of Chenbot: But first, let’s meet our sixteen characters for this all-grown-up-at-18-years-old Big Brother. 

There’s a funny configuration of crushes as everyone introduces themselves. Victor falls hardcore for Natalie right away. Zakiyah swoons for Paulie. Natalie ogles Corey. And Corey has got his eye on Victor for what he calls a “bromance”. Paul is attracted to Zakiyah – which makes total sense because she’s incredibly gorgeous. Meanwhile the non-romantic types have their own inner workings. Bronte plays at being diabolical with her pretending to be in childcare scheme… she’s actually a mathematician. Big whoop. Michelle immediately knows Tiffany is Vanessa’s sister and later confronts her about it for a “shared secret session” on the couch. The initial twelve immediately notice that they’re short some fellow travelers on this vacation-themed season of BB. Julie tells them about the first twist while they’re still sipping celebratory champagne. Who and where are the four stowaways? It’s about to get a bit more crowded on this good ship to crazytown.

Because the theme of this season is vacations and world travel, the stowaways are hidden inside colorful trunks. The beloved character, Nicole, from season 16 is the first to pop out of a trunk. Then out comes James, a prankster from season 17. He was America’s favorite last season. Next we have Da’vonne who was also from Season 17 but considerably less liked by America and voted out the second week – so less liked, period. Finally, Frank, from BB 14, pops out of the last trunk, another America’s favorite. These so-called veterans team up right away to try to protect themselves and it makes sense because the newbie houseguests are all pretending to be thrilled while surreptitiously shooting eyeball daggers at them.

For some reason Paulie chooses this moment to confess that his brother is Cody, from Big Brother’s Season 16, which puts Tiffany in a tough spot. We know already that Da’vonne and Michelle are already certain Tiffany is Vanessa’s sister and this will only stoke suspicious fire in the minds of houseguests to be looking for such resemblances in each other now. It’s rare for BB to only put one of a kind in the house. They almost always put at least two of a twist into the game just to rile things up. Later in the episode Michelle will face-to-face ask her if she’s Vanessa’s sister and Tiffany tells her it’s true but they lock it in the secret vault for now. We’ll see how that flies. Da’vonne, on the other hand, tells us she knows in the diary room and says nothing to Tiffany about it. An argument could be made for either move. Michelle now has a bit of an advantage over Tiffany but Da’vonne’s also smart to play her card close to the vest this early in the game. Thing is, if Michelle went up on the block for eviction right away Tiffany would have a good reason to get rid of her at this point and would likely vote her out.

Next Julie tells the house the second twist: they’ll play the game this summer in teams of four. Everyone will have a chance to take part in choosing their teams. A few seconds after this announcement Da’vonne starts weeping because I’m here to play for myself and my daughter. This isn’t fair, etc. Let it all out Da’vonne. It just makes us love you more to see your big heart breaking over this twist that affects every single houseguest equally. After all, everybody’s got their sad story and a reason to be on Big Brother. In fact, Glenn’s also there to play for his daughter. But the difference is, the houseguests and America know all about Da’vonne’s agony because she flies her feelings flag high in the sky.

Now on to team picking. The first competition begins and it’s time to get the teams together to finally play the game for real. Julie explains that each veteran will be on a different team and make the first pick for their team. Then each selected houseguest will pick the next member of the team and so on. Rule is that you have to pick someone of the opposite sex. Frank picks Michelle, Da’vonne picks Paul, James picks Natalie, Nicole picks Corey, Corey picks Tiffany, Natalie picks Victor (he’s ecstatic about this – kismet), Paul picks Zakiyah, Michelle picks Paulie, Paulie picks Bridgette, Zakiyah picks Jozea. Then as a matter of course, Bronte goes to team James and Glenn goes to team Nicole.

The competition ensues: Ride the Rocket everyone climbs onto a rocket and holds on until all four members fall off. The order of falling off determines their destination – first team to fall off become have-nots, 2nd team gets a mystery punishment, third team gets a ten thousand dollar prize to split four ways, and the last team still holding onto the rocket gets safety from eviction for the next two evictions. The first eviction will take place before this two night premiere is over – so likely it will be the end of Thursday night’s episode. For those of you not familiar with Big Brother, being a “have-not” is hell. You can only eat slop, a tasteless form of protein shake/oatmeal, along with condiments. That’s it. Houseguests tend to lose weight and be a-holes while they’re have-nots. Sometimes it also involves sleep deprivation and other elements of torture like “sleeping” in a freezing cold room on the floor with no blanket or bed. Fun stuff like that.

Victor ends up winning the Ride the Rocket competition for his team so that they no longer have to compete for the next rounds leading up to the inevitable first eviction. Yay! Celebration time! After which, it’s time for all the teams to name themselves. Big Brother is notorious for hilarious team names through the years and BB18 is no exception. They come up with some doozies, even with full knowledge that this is what they’ll have to live with for the rest of the summer. James’s team spends a full hour brainstorming with deadpan faces and brains on tilt but STILL end up sounding utterly ridiculous.

For their next competition there are three rounds with the last place team at the end forced to play each other individually so that the single loser of that round has to go home. In a way it’s kind of cool not to have to vote the first houseguest out. They just lose and go home. You know, like a loser does. There’s some fun drama during the competitions. Corey’s playin coach, Da’vonne’s flippin out that Paul keeps talkin, and meanwhile Category4 just keeps dropping their game pieces and then rebuilding them in silence until they finally win it and are the next safe team. After that round of competition failure, Corey and Nicole have a heart-to-heart in the storage room that looks like it could lead to romance down the road or at least maybe a two-person alliance. Fingers crossed! Da’vonne, meanwhile cries her eyes out because it’s so hard. It’s so hard. We hear ya, Da’vonne. Loud and clear.

In the second round Da’vonne continues her trend of overreacting to Paul while the Freakazoid team play snail-style and take a half hour to do basically nothing. When the Freakazoids finally get some balls and make a move they lose their shit completely at the final second. Then the same kinda thing happens to team Big Sister but instead of losing it, they adjust quickly, keep trying, and go on to win the competition. Thus, Nicole’s team, the Freakazoids, have to battle each other Thursday night and the loser of that last competition will go home. So, on eviction night, it’ll be Corey, Nicole, Tiffany, and Glenn all against each other.

At the end of the first premiere night, Julie reminds us that Thursday night one of the houseguests will be evicted. Also, we’ll find out the first Head of Household and who the two houseguests on the chopping block for the eviction. Then she adds that Sunday night a new Big Brother competition will give one player unprecedented power to change the game. It’s all music to our ears, Julie. We can’t wait and have never been more ready for a summer of silliness and shenanigans. Sure, lots of people like to get all serious about Big Brother and call it a microcosm of our society etc. Analyze away, bros. But the truth is that BB’s really just about pure fun and entertainment… unless, of course, you’re in the house.

– KatherineRecap