TV

[For Game of Thrones “Battle of the Bastards” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Battle of the Bastards. Latest episode of the hit series.

Did you read BDM’s recap of “No One” from last week? I loved it and decided to steal the format for the extended epic battle that was “Battle of the Bastards.” In that vein…

My Top 8 Favorite quotes from “Battle of the Bastards”:

I.
“Thank you for the armada; our queen does love ships.”
-Tyrion

When we left Meereen last week it was under nautical siege by the combined Masters of the other Slaver’s Bay cities. Grey Worm dictated that our heroes hole up in the Great Pyramid (the only place he and his Unsullied could reasonably defend)… And then mommy came home.

The Mother of Dragons appeared and all of a sudden there was hope for the lone “Free City” of Slaver’s Bay.

Tyrion asks Dany what her plan is, and she has one:

I will crucify the masters. I will set their fleets afire, kill every one of their soldiers, and return their cities to the dirt. That is my plan.

Tyrion, who Dany keeps around for his wisdom, cautions her against the kind of behavior we might more closely associate with her father; he presents a different strategy. Dany’s court at Meereen parlays with the assembled Masters, who think she is there to discuss terms of her surrender… When in fact it is to be theirs.

Dany sends her dragons — led by a now-enormous Drogon — against the Masters’ armada. Personally, I thought they were going to burn the whole thing into Slaver’s Bay, but they just really, really incinerated one of the ships; prompting Tyrion’s quote. So while Dany lost her ships a few episodes ago, she ended up way, way up on ships by the end of “Battle of the Bastards”.

II.
“You’re going to die tomorrow Lord Bolton. Sleep well.”
-Sansa

Don’t forget that Sansa might call herself a Stark now, but she is a Bolton by marriage (and was previously a Lannister, also by marriage). And you know what they say about Lannisters and debts…

III.
“Did you really think that cunt would fight you man to man?”
-Tormund

Prior to the Second Battle of Winterfell (the eponymous “Battle of the Bastards”, as Jon and Ramsay are both Snows) there is a parlay. Jon suggests that they can save a lot of bloodshed if Ramsay just fights him man to man. Ramsay, of course knowing Jon’s reputation as a master swordsman, declines; he has an army twice the size of the assembled Stark forces.

Jon gets a mental game jab in — a kind of “you have the numbers but how hard will your men fight for you when they find out you wouldn’t fight for them” … But hey, math.

IV.
“Rickon is Ned Stark’s true born son, which makes him a greater threat to Ramsay than you, a bastard, or me, a girl.”
-Sansa

Right before Northmen, Wildlings, and Giants start swinging, Ramsay trots out young Rickon Stark. Remember, the heroes don’t necessarily know that Bran is still alive. To the best of their knowledge Rickon is likely the legitimate Warden of the North.

When Ramsay starts making threats about Rickon, Sansa immediately ends the parlay. As Ned’s trueborn son, Rickon is a clear and present threat to Ramsay’s claim on Winterfell. Jon and Sansa might have had a hard time rallying the houses of the North, but Jon is a bastard and Sansa isn’t just a girl — and girl she is — but twice married to her house’s greatest enemies… Lannister and traitorous Bolton. Rickon might be another story.

Ramsay sets Rickon free but tells him to run; run to his brother and the assembled loyal houses. Before he can get to Jon, Ramsay puts an arrow in Rickon’s back. It’s a devastating end to a Stark boy we haven’t seen for several seasons. It also puts Jon on complete tilt, and the charges six thousand men alone, losing even his horse to a Bolton arrow.

V.
“Our fathers were evil men.”
-Dany

If the Masters’ armada weren’t enough, Dany gets even more ships in “Battle of the Bastards”. Yara and Theon arrive in Meereen with the one hundred best ships of the Ironborn navy, offering them to Dany. They will help transport Dany’s enormous army of Dothraki Bloodriders, Unsullied, and Second Sons to Westeros… and for a less steep price than Uncle Euron would.

Yara and Theon will support Dany’s claim to the Seven Kingdoms, but in return would like the return of the Iron Islands (which it looks like she will oblige, despite Tyrion’s caution that “everyone” might start asking for sovereignty). They would also like Dany to help them murder “an uncle or two; who doesn’t think a woman is fit for the throne.”

Dany and Yara have a short moment; after all, Yara is “up for anything”.

But Dany’s price is steep: The Ironborn will cease reaving and raping, essentially giving up their entire way of life. Yara agrees.

All four of them — Dany, Tyrion, Yara, and Theon — had evil fathers. Tywin was a cruel, cruel man who tortured Tyrion; both the Greyjoy children and Dany had awful kings for dads, megalomaniacs or madmen. Rather than leave the world in a worse place, Dany pledges they will use their assembled power to improve it.

VI.
“We’ll just kill our own men! Stand down.”
-Davos

So horses are smashing into each other. Jon Snow is alone in the center of the battlefield, ready to start swinging his Valyrian Steel sword. Bodies are colliding, both human and equine; there is violence and velocity in every direction, with mud flying and bodies piling up. Ramsay, with superior numbers, just has his archers launching at the scrum of bodies. Who knows who will be hitting what? Davos, from the other side of the field, realizes his men will not be able to aim particularly well, and is much more pragmatic.

VII.
“Your words will disappear, your house will disappear, your name will disappear; all memory of you will disappear.”
-Sansa-Davos

The Knights of the Vale charge in, essentially worldlessly. We just get an overhead shot of their cavalry effortlessly destroying the Bolton shield wall, Sansa next to Littlefinger.

Ramsay — his army eradicated — retreats to Winterfell, but is pursued by Jon, Tormund, and Wun Wun. Wun Wun gives his life bashing down Winterfell’s front door, finally dying to an arrow in the eye by Ramsay himself. But it’s all over. Jon beats Ramsay unconscious with his fists, and leaves little sister to a last conversation with her doomed husband.

Sansa makes a point throughout that to Jon, Ramsay is just a man, and nowhere near as dangerous an opponent as he has faced in the Night King and his wights. But to her Ramsay was so much more… and none of it good. You have to wonder, though, what the motivation of a man like him is. He’s already Warden of the North; he’s got Winterfell; he had — at various times — “the girl” and the heir to the Salt Throne under his power. Why destroy everyone?

Sansa correctly identified that Ramsay is primarily motivated by a sense of significance. He plays with his food. To him, the thing is never just the thing. Sansa’s words are horrifying to a nobleman. He will not only die, but everything about him — including the name he murdered into — will disappear. He threatens that Sansa will never forget him — can’t ever forget him — but it really looks like he’s going to be proven wrong.

VIII.
“My hounds will never harm me.”
-Ramsay

Famous.
Last.
Words.

LOVE
MIKE

[For Silicon Valley “Daily Active Users” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Daily Active Users. Richard attempts to bridge the gap between Pied Piper and its users; Jared takes drastic measures.

The episode opens with a commercial for Pied Piper, a ridiculous foray into “connections and sharing” that perfectly illustrates the crux of the company’s challenge – nobody gets it. Laurie shows the mightily expensive and equally overwrought, enigmatic ad at her home where she’s gathered Pied Piper employees for a party to celebrate the high number of installs. At the “celebration” Monica apologizes to Richard about “not getting Pied Piper and being wrong,” but then Richard replies that maybe she wasn’t. Turns out installs aren’t really a crucial measure for success. What matters more? “Daily Active Users,” in other words, people who revisit the site. It’s a wretched number and far below what Monica deemed “disappointing” at one hundred thousand. In fact, only nineteen thousand users revisit Pie Piper daily. Jared and Richard were the only employees aware of it thus far… and now Monica too.

Meanwhile Gilfoyle somehow knows Jared’s keeping a secret and makes him squirm in a hilarious deconstruction of Judeo-Christian values at their most virulent. Monica recommends a focus group to Richard to help understand this lack of interest retention in Pied Piper. In the focus group all the users are “freaked out” by the platform. They don’t understand where the downloads go or how it works. They are regular people, not engineers. Interetingly, Monica – who didn’t get it – was the only regular person to check out the PP Beta Test. A light goes on in the room but Richard has trouble accepting it and instead crashes the focus group to “explain” his precious compression platform. At first he’s too much of an engineer and the focus group seems terrified of the implications. They reference Terminator and can’t get into it until after Richard orders in pizzas and settles into an infinite explanation. Although it works, it’s more than any TV spot can cover. Richard tells his Pied Piper team the down and dirty situation then and all are appropriately bereft. It’s a hopeless fix. They’re nearly out of money from paying for the development of the platform and that heinous incomprehensible ad. So Pied Piper, successful only seconds before, is now nearly broke and terminally misunderstood.

At this moment, the luckiest loser in Silicon Valley, Gavin finds out the Pied Piper situation when a customer service rep (who left Pied Piper over this tailspin) goes to Hooli looking for a job. He brings this info to the Hooli board and pretends it was his knowledge all along and this was all part of his secret plan. Then Gavin brings Jack Barker in to introduce “The Box”. Pied Piper’s loss is Hooli’s gain. May the best product win. Thus, Gavin resets back into his old position as Hooli CEO. At that moment of victory he brings the Hooli board who betrayed him only a week before out on the roofdeck to look at an elephant, the ultimate symbol of never forgetting and assures them that “neither do I” and we know Gavin’s not exactly the forgiving kind.

Richard scrambles to get he word out about Pied Piper with media and seminars along wth conference outreach. It’s tanking quick and he ends up approaching the ad agency for another way to reach people. They dummy up a piper character who works like a pseudo Microsoft paperclip named Pipey. Instead of popping up to say, “It looks like you’re writing a letter,” Pipey teaches a platform user what Pied Piper does in the most inane way possible. As a result, we next find Richard curled up fetal position style inside Erlich’s moldy magenta bathtub. Jared tries to pep talk him out of career suicide but “it’s over” seems to be Richard’s only logical conclusion.

But in the sunny daylight of the next morning Richard awakens to find that suddenly Pied Piper had a giant burst of inexplicable new daily active users. Everybody is filled with glee. It turns out Jared bought them from a click farm in India and is going to keep filling the pipeline this way using the Indian click farm – perhaps even until they reach heir goal for the next funding cycle. Clearly, Jared slipped into survival mode. He’s lying without a blink or squirm and even fooling Gilfoyle at this point. Next week is the season finale and we can’t wait to see “The Box” battle it out with Pied Piper’s virtual version of success. Each is a mythical creature in a way. We know The Box is merely an “idea of storage” and that Pied Piper’s alleged users are merely meaningless clickers who don’t even really visit the site. Which house of cards will win the heart of Silicon Valley? Our hearts are happy in the certain knowledge that whatever happens, we’ll be laughing all the while.

–Katherine Recap

[For Penny Dreadful “Ebb Tide” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

Showtime Summary:
Ebb Tide. Kaetenay has a vision of impending doom; Vanessa discovers an awful truth.

“Ebb Tide” feels the way it sounds, the show is pulling away from us even as we cling to it with a needy ferocity. Just like with a wave against the shore, we can’t make season three of Penny Dreadful last forever. This is one of those episodes where you’ll keep wondering what the hell these characters are doing. The questions Why? Why? Why? will race upon the hamster wheels of your grey matter. There is one bright star of hope, though, and it arises in the most unexpected place. Our beloved Creature finally finally gets a little love in his life at last and it almost makes up for all the rest of it… but not really. It’s par for the course with Penny, we suppose and the episode does grant us the favor of mucho information. Catriona provides an encyclopedic truckload of facts about Dracula, including that, in his human form, he can be killed like any other man. But it’s not that part which piques the interest of Vanessa. She realizes when Cat tells her Dracula is known for “dwelling in what’s called The House of Night Creatures,” that her beloved Dr. Sweet is the dragon Dracula. Only after this revelation does the part about being able to kill him in human form seem significant to her.

There’s a touching scene between Vanessa and The Creature, whom she knows as John Clare, where she tells him people are better than you think and he looks at her a bit sideways in reply asking, “Do you believe that?” to which Vanessa says, “Almost,” thus perfectly summing up their conundrum. All these two characters really want is to be loved. Thus they decide together to dare to believe they deserve love. Mainly they make this choice because, hey, can they be any lonelier than they already are? Unlikely. It works out for “Mr. Clare” at least. He goes to his wife, Margery and tells her his whole dang story for real – the truth. Funny thing about it is how he describes Dr. Frankenstein, making the mad scientist sound like the ultimate bad parent, “He created life but had no care for its nurturing,” which is both fitting and ironic. We all know such parents walk among us in everyday life but never would have thought to relate them to Victor Frankenstein before The Creature points out this apt similarity. In the end, our Creature finds warmth and welcome with Margery and his son, Jack. Finally, he’s home, accepted, and loved. We’re happy for him and would be satisfied with this as the end to his Penny Dreadful character arc. Please no more pain for our beloved Creature. Thank you.

It’s Dorian who mentions the “Ebb Tide” of the title within a shockingly unexpected scene. He’s just finished telling Lily how terrifically BORING he finds her army of prostitutes. They are such a clatter in his ears with all their cutting off bad men’s hands then clamoring and clawing at each other to mess up his grand estate. Oh dear, aren’t women with power so tiresome? Clearly they must be tamed – drugged even. So, that’s exactly what Dorian does. After his lecture series on how tedious he finds Lily’s vengeful revolution, that “owed” favor he warned Victor Frankenstein about springs into action. Right there on the moonlit cobblestone street, Frankenstein and Jekyll suddenly sweep Lily into a carriage headed straight for Bedlam. She’s to be drowned in “proper lady” drugs until she behaves her damn self. But we hope Lily escapes instead and then takes her dual betrayers down hardcore. Dorian and Victor deserve her vicious wrath. In fact, we hope Justine finds the way to finally kill Dorian and meows all the while, clawing his gorgeous movie star eyes out for good measure. Jekyll, on the other hand deserves more story. We hardly got to see him this season, so let him live… for now.

The episode opener for “Ebb Tide” gave us a glimpse into Brona’s past as she visits the grave of her daughter. So, now we know her agony runs deeper than just the “bad” men who abused and used her. She’s been broken a long long time. There at the gravesite, Brona makes a promise to another mother of a dead child. It sounds eerily similar to her rants and raves with the prostitute army and we realize that Brona has always been this way deep down, desperately seeking vengeance. It wasn’t her death that did it. Like Vanessa, Brona has a lengthy past of heartbreak and anguish.

Meanwhile Ethan, Kaetenay, and Malcolm head back to London as fast as they can on a mission to save Vanessa and thus the world from the End of Days that will follow if Vanessa succumbs to Dracula. Ethan’s doing it for love and Malcolm for the sake of duty. Kaetenay, though, has a vivid vision of the horror overtaking Vanessa and subsequently the world. He’s the real hero of this story; the world’s iconoclast and visionary. The one who sees it all but remains fearless and true.

In the final scene Vanessa confronts Dracula and he admits the truth. In fact Dracula claims he’s always told the truth and certainly, in his own eyes, that’s the case. She says he’s twisted and that she won’t serve him. Then Dracula calls her the Mother of Evil and says he wants to serve Vanessa, not the other way around. All he wants is her. In this world, they’re both different, ugly, exceptional creatures and will never be accepted and loved by others. Dracula says he doesn’t want to make Vanessa good or normal. He loves her for who she truly is. Now it’s time for her to stop trying to be what everybody else wants her to be, he says. Just be yourself and be with me. You will never be alone again, he says. Dracula asks if she accepts him and she says, “I accept myself,” so, then he bites her neck and the episode ends as Vanessa’s voiceover tells us about the end of days and the night creatures emerging, the air will be pestilence, such is our kingdom, etc. She’s succumbed, it seems. But there is the whole business Catriona brought up about Vanessa needing to be a spy. So, maybe she’s playing double agent. Vanessa has certainly played that game before. It’s a little telling that he asks if she accepts him and her only reply is about herself. Perhaps she is just spying… unless Vanessa really is the Mother of all Evil. That detail has always been up for debate.

Next Sunday night, June 19th, is the two hour finale and we’re set up for a radical showdown on all sides. Ethan, Kaetenay, and Malcolm will fight Dracula while Brona deals with her duo of betrayers. We have compiled a fetchland fantasy for the season three throw down that follows. First and foremost, Dorian reaps the mighty ass kicking that finally kills him doornail dead. It would be best if Justine dished it out. Secondly, we really must see Dr. Jekyll turn into Mr. Hyde. How have we sat through an entire season with this classic character and not witnessed this wonder yet? It’s an outrage. Lastly, please grant us a grandiose, macho, swordfight, beatdown between Ethan and Dracula over Vanessa’s heart. She’ll be devastated no matter who wins but we know at this point she’s still pissy with Ethan for abandoning her so will likely be rooting for Drac at least initially. The real riddle, though, remains who Vanessa kisses after the dust settles and if that’s the one she would have chosen to win. The coolest ending would leave the climactic death blow Vanessa’s choice. We’d like that best. Funny thing is, both guys are hellbent so she’s pretty screwed either way – typical Penny Dreadful style.

–Katherine Recap

[For Preacher “The Possibilities” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

AMC Summary:
The Possibilities. Cassidy helps Jesse explore his newfound power and Tulip tries to convince him to seek revenge.

Three episodes into Preacher and I’m still getting most of what I liked about the pilot; great visual style and strong acting performance. However, episode 3 did get me a little concerned with how they’re pacing some of the storylines.

The primary arc was around Jesse continuing to understand the powers he discovered he had at the end of last week’s episode, and while he seemed to come to a conclusion towards the end of how he could use them, we really didn’t get there in a way that seemed organic. He spent most of the episode brooding, and when he finally revealed them to Cassidy, there wasn’t much time spent on what it meant, or how he should use them. There also wasn’t a great action sequence in this episode like we had in the prior two, so it would’ve been cool if maybe Jesse spent more time walking around town testing out his powers.

The second arc was around Tulip and followed up on the map she killed a man for in the pilot (he ended up with a stalk of corn in his skull, so it better have been worth it). Tulip is by far my favorite character on the show now (maybe on TV in general), so I’m glad they gave her a little extra screen time and went over her backstory a little. But the main problem for me so far is they keep introducing new characters and history without really giving us a sense for what drives these characters in the first place. Tulip basically risked her life getting a map just so she could trade it to a woman named Denise, who works for a man in a white suit who likes snuff films, for the location of a guy named Carlos who presumably screwed her and Jesse over years ago. Phew.

All of this just seemed a little rushed to me. I wish they spent this episode, and maybe the next, just focusing more on Tulip and Jesse’s relationship and helping us understand what they mean to each other and how their history is impacting each differently. Tulip appears to be driven by revenge, while Jesse wants redemption, but they barely spent any time helping us to understand why. I’m optimistic this will happen soon, and we won’t be left to guess why Jesse shot an armed guard (and had got rid of such a sweet mullet).

Overall the episode still kept me engaged and I’m glad that the show runners are starting to shed some light on a few things (i.e. the men who we Cassidy battled with a chainsaw last week appear to be employees of Heaven Inc. and are looking to return what’s in Jesse back to its rightful owner), I’m just hoping they figure out the pacing of the storylines for both Jesse and Tulip, because everything else really is window dressing.

A few thoughts:

• We got to see two victims of Jesse’s violent streak (the pedophile bus driver and Donnie) continue to be impacted by Jesse, but this time by his newfound powers of persuasion.
• Cassidy didn’t get to do much this episode but bury bodies, but we did get to see him make a deal with the Heaven’s gate agents, which will hopefully keep them off Jesse’s back for now
• Quinn Quincannon made another appearance, and we learned that he loves the dulcet sounds of animals being slaughtered (and he doesn’t think much of Donnie)
• The white suited man in Houston was clearly the red herring of the episode, but honestly, I just hope we see more snuff film festival posters
• Cassidy finally addressed Emily’s clear infatuation with Jesse, which she skillfully dodged
• W. Earl Brown (who I loved from Deadwood) got a chance to deliver a strong monologue at the onset of the episode, but didn’t do much after that

–Osyp Lebedowicz

[For Silicon Valley “Bachman’s Earning’s Over Ride” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Bachman’s Earning’s Over Ride. Erlich struggles to come clean to Richard; Richard must make a difficult choice.

“Bachman’s Earning’s Over Ride” circles around confrontations and Erlich Bachman’s dignity. In fact, it’s a lot like a chain reaction with one character confronting another and then they confront another character and so forth all the way around until the issue gets resolved with closure in the end. This aspect of Silicon Valley gives it a refreshing stance in a world filled with cliffhanger TV. Each episode encapsulates a major challenge and then resolves it with little remainder and override. So, although the same Silicon Valley story keeps moving forward, it’s always fresh – which is more than one can say about the Vanity Fair Summit dinner salad Richard abandons in the episode.

We open on Erlich and Richard’s Bloomberg News interview about the Pied Piper launch. It’s taken off like a rocket with more than a hundred thousand installs in only the first ten days. Richard has trouble with the confrontational style of a public interview but the real confrontation is actually happening behind the scenes. It’s in the back of Bachman’s mind that he still hasn’t told Richard about his cashed-out shares and Monica calls to confront him about it. She insists Erlich tell Richard ASAP because she doesn’t want to be complicit in this lie. But Erlich’s all about attending the Vanity Fair Summit dinner that night. Funny thing is, Richard doesn’t care about the photo shoots and parties. He’d rather Erlich was the face of the company. So, this too is part of Bachman’s motivation to keeping the secret hidden.

Next Jared enters the incubator wearing a tailor-made Pied Piper varsity jacket. As Dinesh and Gilfoyle leave to get coffee they get Jared to give them the heinous jacket. Then at the coffee shop Gilfoyle wears it to embarrass Dinesh, saying he’s a suicide bomber of humiliation, happy to go down as long as Dinesh goes with him. It backfires, though when coffee shops peeps are impressed by his Pied Piper jacket. It’s the hot new company! Everybody’s talking about it! So, then Gilfoyle pivots to pretend he doesn’t know Dinesh, causing him further humiliation.

Next we see Jared and Richard interview a guy for the Pied Piper head of PR. He’s the confrontational one and asks if everything at the company is cool. He saw a paper on Laurie’s desk the day before that showed a big chunk of Pied Piper stock being sold. It made the potential PR guy wonder because an insider selling a load of stock right before the big launch is cause for alarm. Richard then assumes the seller was Monica because she was the only one who didn’t like the Beta test. He confronts her so she tells him the truth about Bachman’s selloff. So, In the BIG confrontation Richard confronts Erlich and says he’s going to have to issue a press release now because the ten percent sale sends a message to Silicon Valley that there’s something funky at Pied Piper. Bachman’s bummed because now nobody will ever take him seriously again. When Richard talks to Dinesh and Gilfoyle about it they, surprisingly, don’t a hundred percent agree with Richard. So, he writes the press release but says he won’t publish unless word gets out on the street about Bachman’s selloff.

Pissy Richard then confronts Erlich with a “last rent check” and says they’ll be moving out of the incubator. He also replaces Bachman’s board position, promoting Jared. This sends Jared into a tailspin of mixed emotion. He’s a salad spinner of sensitivity. Still, even with all this shaming… Richard lets Bachman attend the Vanity Fair Summit dinner later that night. When Richard’s checking in for it he finds out Erlich attempted to sell only half his shares but Laurie prevented this and, using Pied Piper contractual particulars, forced him to sell them all. Richard then sees Laurie at the Summit dinner and finds out she also fucked Bachman thanks to a detail in the contract that allowed her to set her own price for the shares. So, although Erlich was going to get five million for half the shares from the original buyer, Laurie found out exactly what Erlich owed for his debts and paid him only that much for all of his shares. Thus, Bachman’s completely broke now.

Meanwhile Erlich gets a voicemail from the tech blog he half owns saying they heard rumors about “serious ugliness” at Pied Piper. So, to protect the company he outs himself on the blog as the “dumbest guy in tech” and in the process doubles down on earning Richard’s empathy. So, in the end Richard gives Erlich the still-open job as head of PR. As his first order of business in PR, Bachman calls his tech blog to tell them Hooli’s now selling Pied Piper’s app in their online store, a big win for the company. But in the process Erlich finds out that the “rumors” about ugliness at Pied Piper were actually just about Jared’s jackets. He’d outed himself over nothing.

Bachman makes a circle from indignity to dignity and back again in this episode as a result of all the confrontations he’s forced to face for his legendary bad behavior. “Bachman’s Earning’s Over Ride” works like a cleansing ritual for his character and makes us wonder, is Erlich Bachman the Jamie Lannister of Silicon Valley? Nobody knows if he’s a villain or a hero but it certainly seems like at the very least he’s on the Hero’s Journey. Maybe he’s on a path from villain to hero, as many theorists suggest about Jamie’s narrative arc. Either way, he’s a helluva lotta fun to watch along the way.

–Katherine Recap

[For Game of Thrones “No One” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
No One. Jaime weighs his options; Cersei answers a request; Tyrion’s plans bear fruit; Arya faces a new test.

This has been an uneven season for Game of Thrones with the writers plunging into uncharted narrative territory that all fans of the books were nervous we would never get to see. “The Door” was as memorable an episode as any in the entire run. At the same time, as they work without the guidance of the the source material, they have struggled — in my opinion — with tone this season. Scenes have been punctuated with one-liners that sometimes deliver and sometimes land like a fart.

“No One” is the eighth episode in the current season and instead of a traditional recap I am going to break down the episode line by line.

“Trust me, if my soup didn’t kill you nothing will.” — Lady Crane

When last we saw Arya she had been stabbed repeatedly in the belly and was fleeing from the Waif who was looking to finish the job. She ends up in the care of Lady Crane, the actress she refused to kill leading to her current predicament. Lady Crane reveals that she has gotten good at tending to wounds by putting holes in the bad men she is so attracted to. She asks Arya to join the troupe but Arya does not want to put her at risk. When Arya attempts to refuse the milk of the poppy, Lady Crane assures her that it can’t be more dangerous than her cooking.

“You’re shit at dying, you know that?” — The Hound

The Hound tracks down some stray grab-ass members of the Brotherhood Without Banners who slaughtered Brother Rey’s flock last week. He dispatches the first three and has the fourth on his knees with his insides falling out. Clegane demands the whereabouts of the leader of the party, the one with the yellow cloak, that killed his friends. “Fuck you!” replies the man. When asked if those are what he really wants to be his last words the man reconsiders and utters “Cunt!” before being finished off by both axe and barb.

“The most famous dwarf in the world.” — Tyrion Lannister

Varys and Tyrion walk through Mereen and marvel as the legend of Daenerys spreads like…well, you know… as the followers of the Lord of Light preach throughout the city. Both would feel better if the actual Mother of Dragons would return. Varys has faith that she will while Tyrion is more skeptical. In the meantime Varys is leaving on a secret mission to Westeros and has to part ways with Tyrion before he boards the ship. It would hardly be wise for him to be seen in the company of the most famous dwarf in all the city. Tyrion corrects him on his phrasing.

“I choose violence.” — Cersei Lannister

Cersei is summoned to appear before the High Septon at the great Sept of Baelor by the sparrows who have come to the Red Keep to fetch her. When she refuses to leave the keep the sparrows move to take her by force. The Mountain steps in their way and Lancel orders him to step aside or face violence. Cersei makes it clear what she prefers and the sparrows flee after The Mountain rips the head off of one of them.

Cersei is counting on The Mountain to defend her against the High Septon’s charges in trial by combat but she learns she has been outmaneuvered again. She may choose violence but it will not be an option as Thommen decrees that the barbaric practice will be no longer be allowed in the Seven Kingdoms while also announcing trial dates for his mother and Loras Tryrell.

“I don’t think you know many girls like her.” — Brienne of Tarth

Brienne and Podrick comes to see Jamie Lannister at his warcamp outside of Riverrun. She wants to offer him an alternative to laying siege. She will approach the Blackfish and offer him a chance to join Sansa’s side in Winterfell and allow Jamie take the castle. Jamie is skeptical of the deal but it willing to let her try. He does not take the sword Oathkeeper back from her despite her completing the task of finding and rescuing Sansa. Jamie is surprised to discover that Sansa is still alive. In his experience girls like her don’t live very long.

Brienne convinces the Blackfish that she does indeed carry word from Sansa but is unable to convince him to join her side. She has failed.

“I make joke.” — Grey Worm

The scene sounds almost like the set up to one of Tyrion’s jokes. The Imp, Grey Worm and Missandei are sitting in the Great Pyramid of Meereen drinking wine. Tyrion is trying to loosen them both up by making them drink wine and tell jokes. Grey Worm professes to not understand jokes — which Missandei has described as “a story…not necessarily a true story” — but when he criticizes her attempt as the worst joke he has ever heard it is revealed that he lied about his experience with humor. He explains that he wasn’t actually lying…

His metajoke is much more successful than either effort by other two and they actually share a laugh. Tyrion is about to launch into what is undoubtedly a much bawdier joke when the call goes out that the city is under siege by a fleet of slavers. The advisors try to figure out the best way to defend the city only to have Daenarys wordlessly appear on the balcony with a dragon of mass destruction flapping its wings in the background.

“I. Love. Cersei.” — Jamie Lannister

Jamie lays things out very simply for Edmure. He is going to take over as the king of his castle and open the gates and let Jamie’s army in without a fight. If he does not do this Jamie is going to bring Edmure’s baby — Catelyn Stark’s nephew — to the frontlines and launch it into the river with a catapult. Jamie makes it abundantly clear there is only one thing he cares about and the sooner he can lay siege to this castle, the sooner he can get back to her.

“I haven’t had a proper swordfight in years. I expect I will make a damn fool of myself.” — The Blackfish

Edmure folds to Jamie’s will and surrenders the castle. The Blackfish helps Brienne and Podrick find their way to a rowboat beneath the castle that will let them return to fight by Sansa’s side. He is going to buy them some time and go down fighting.

“A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell and I’m going home.” — Duh!

Lady Crane is killed brutally by The Waif who has come to finish off Arya as well. Arya escapes through the streets and stumbles her way to where she has needle stashed. The Waif laughs a the sight of her with the sword but that is the last thing he sees as Arya extinguishes the candle illuminating the room.

Jaqen walks in on Arya mounting The Waif’s face in the House of Black and White and seems pleased with Arya’s triumph; “Finally a girl is no one.”

[For Penny Dreadful “No Beast So Fierce” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

Showtime Summary:
No Beast So Fierce. When Vanessa turns to an old friend for help she is introduced to a new ally.

The upheaval, sexytime, and tumult of episode six for Penny Dreadful this season revolves around the seven sins. Vanessa gives in to Lust and The Creature’s Pride takes a bitter, gut-busting hit. Hecate, Rusk, Ethan’s father, and The Marshal all succumb to vengeful Wrath. While Victor Frankenstein and Dorian struggle with the push and pull between Envy and Greed. Then, although not Sloth in the traditional sense, Dr. Seward and an enchanting new character, Catriona give Vanessa the same lazy ass “friendly” advice. It’s not their fault, really and they mean well. But when it comes to sins, intentions aren’t what counts. Fact is, their advice reeks of careless words wrapped in a papery thin guise of friendship.

Luckily, there’s a bright side to sintown. We get to hear the best line of the season thus far when Malcolm finally sees Kaetany is alive after all, “I knew you were too mean to die,” Murray says. There are many more memorable and even funny lines in “No Beat So Fierce”. It’s one of those episodes where if you’re not careful you may find yourself talking to the screen. One moment you could cheer Lily’s half/feminist and half/fucked up tirade about vengeance and violence against women. The next you’re gasping “No, you’re not. You never are,” to the oblivious Vanessa describing herself to Lyle as, “quite safe”. Nothing is ever safe on this show and the characters are all so preoccupied with sinning that, although they mean well, their “assistance” just makes things worse. The seven deadly sins get in the way of progress or healing, just like in real life. Because the “No Beast So Fierce,” scenes resound with so much power, we’re dividing this recap by scenes rather than roles.

The episode opens with a brief glimpse into Renfield’s Gluttony. After he gives Dracula the news about Vanessa’s latest She knows your name, Master. She called you Dracula. Renfield gets his unquenchable bloodlust temporarily sated when Drac offers him a “fat and juicy” fresh victim hanging from a meat hook. While he’s munching away, we wonder if Dr. Seward will see any difference in Renfield soon. She’s brilliant, after all, and her entire job revolves around observing human behavior. When will she see that he’s becoming less and less human?

Speaking of Dr. Seward’s observations, one of the inherent limitations every therapist faces is the myopia of their patients. Seward can only know what Vanessa tells her. So, when they share a drink together and Dr. Seward explains how she killed her abusive husband and stood trial in NYC. Although shocking, it’s not wholly surprising to Vanessa because she saw this scene from Dr. Seward’s past in the asylum episode. Vanessa just didn’t know it was her husband she’d killed. Speaking of just not knowing, this is a scene where Dr Seward unknowingly gives Vanessa horrendously lazy advice. It’s the kind of Sloth that’s unavoidable. She means well but advises Vanessa to “go and have drink with that handsome doctor from the museum,” because Vanessa must learn some people are trustworthy. She gets the same well-meaning advice from her newfound friend, the death-obsessed and exceptional fencer, Catriona, who advises Vanessa to seek out those she loves as protection from the notorious Dracula. Too bad neither of them know that the only “love” Vanessa has right now is Drac himself.

At first it feels like a celebration of love, seeing The Creature clutch his invalid son tight to rock him back and forth with comforting words and promises of medicine. Then it gets a little darker as his son whispers that he knew his father “the angel” would come to him as he died. A child dying is a bit of a downer, especially given the wretched existence of our beloved Creature. Can’t the guy get even a few minutes of happiness and love in this lifetime? Well, no. Because when the boy finally opens his eyes and sees The Creature’s face after only having heard the voice of his father coming from this person. He screams in horror. This, of course, is a crushing blow to our beloved Creature. He’s bereft because it’s not just his Pride that’s broken but also his heart.

The biggest and baddest scenes of the episode are the two bloodbaths at Talbot Ranch. Penny Dreadful loses four major characters to Wrath: Hecate, Rusk, The Marshal, and Ethan’s father – Dickhead Talbot, as we like to call him. It’s almost overkill the way bullets blaze across the Talbot Ranch dinner table and one wonders how this could’ve been avoided. The simple answer is that it couldn’t. Ethan’s father hated the Apaches and had everything to do with their destruction, literally murdering his way into owning all the land he nows claims as Talbot Ranch. So, of course Kaetany comes for revenge and blasts into the house taking down ranchers galore. Soon after most of the others also bite the dust. Dickhead Talbot kills The Marshal and then Hecate takes a bullet to the heart from Rusk while defending Ethan. As she dies Hecate tells Ethan Hell awaits them both before drifting there herself. Interestingly, she exited this mortal coil in naked demon form but Ethan kissed her scary-ass face goodbye anyway, sad but unafraid. Soon after we have the final Talbot massacre. All that’s left are some ranchers and Dickhead Talbot hiding in the ranch chapel. The trio Ethan, Malcolm and Kateany find them quickly and when the bombastic Mr. Talbot berates Ethan, he can’t bring himself to shoot his father. But Dickhead gets a bullet between the eyes anyway, care of Malcolm’s Wrath. In the end this mighty trio of men are the only one’s left alive. Malcolm Murray and Kaetany saved their son from his own father. Irony’s the real winner tonight.

Vanessa falls under the Lustful spell of Dracula’s Dr. Sweet facade. It’s noteworthy that he doesn’t really lie to her. Yes, his vague banter with promises to never leave her side and love her forever lack clarification. But that’s just because he neglects to mention that he is, in fact, Dracula. Other than that small detail, the guy’s totally on the up and up. They have sex right there on the taxidermy room floor with the stuffed wolf watching (clearly not a coincidence) and Vanessa takes cowgirl position, her skirt spread over them for the sake of Victorian sensibilities. So, yes, sex. But no, not sexy. Afterward Vanessa cries and Dracula wipes away her tears. All we can think is that there are more where those came from and likely falling in torrents real soon.

Justine may not be immortal but she’s certainly enthralling, a sociopath – sure, but we’ve all got our flaws. She could have her own show and Lily would be its biggest fan. Her taunting and teasing make Dorian, Envious because Lily likes it a little too much. So, Dorian confronts Lily saying HE’s the one who belongs beside her. Dorian expects Lily to fall into his handsome, immortal arms and declare her undying devotion but instead she defends Justine saying Justine’s more her match than Dorian could ever be. This doesn’t sit well with him and we predict a showdown between he and Justine in the weeks ahead. If anybody can figure out how to destroy Dorian Grey, it’s that furious little minx, Justine. She’s Greedy for a kill with Dr. Frankenstein too. He shows up to kidnap Lily and gets caught in a deadly Warrior Girl spiderweb. Lily has already begun assembling her ex-prostitute army and they’ve battened the hatches, easily taking him down with a knife to the throat. Greed is the only reason they let him live because he could potentially help their army. Dr. Frankenstein can make people immortal, after all. Who better to wage war against sadistic men than an army of gorgeous sex mavens that can’t be killed? At least that appears to be what Lily’s got brewing in the back of her mind when she lets him live…

“No Beast So Fierce” feels like a dream while at the same time awakening us to what’s really happening on Penny Dreadful. So beautifully written while the acting and orchestration work together like art, it’s breathtaking how easy they make it look when this is all unbelievably difficult to pull off. The writers manage to pack complex and relevant information into every onscreen second and at the same time make us feel a thousand emotions while sitting on the edge of our seats. We’re still poised there, in fact, because in the preview scenes for next week we see that Vanessa and Ethan will reunite soon. Dracula against Ethan represents the swordfight to end all swordfights and who will Vanessa want to win? It’s an amazing testament to the show that we even wonder.

–Katherine Recap

[For Preacher “See” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

AMC Summary:
See. Jesse tries to be a “good preacher,” unaware that a mysterious duo is after him. Meanwhile we meet the enigmatic Cowboy.

Before we get into it, I want to emphasize that these recaps will be focused on the show itself, and not so much on how it adapts the comic book. So for those of you who’ve never read the book, don’t worry, each episode will be taken at face value.

“What if this is the me God wants?”
– Eugene (aka Arseface)

Preacher had a solid sophomore effort in episode 2, keeping up with the cool visuals and continuing to try and build up the core three of Jesse, Tulip and Cassidy. So far Preacher hasn’t cared too much about explaining itself very much, trusting that the visuals, intriguing characters, and suspenseful plot twists will hold the audience until the inevitable (hopefully) payoff. Similar to the Pilot, the show opens in a location totally distinct from where the majority of action of the rest of the episode takes place. Last week it was in outer space, while this week it was in a western prairie in 1881 (brought to you by the awesome title cards that are a delightful touch). There are a handful of scenes centered around a bedridden sick girl, her caretaker, and a shadowy, quiet figure who’s sent on a mission (presumably to help the sick girl). I got the sense that most of the scenes were just an excuse for Rogen & Goldberg (who directed this episode along with the Pilot) to have some cool western visuals and a sick score similar to something you’d see in a Sergio Leone film. We’re not really given any insight into what these scenes have to do with the show in the broader sense, except for a slight call back later in the show to the town of Ratwater, which is the town the shadowy figures rides through and we get a glimpse of a tree full of dismembered and disfigured Native Americans. (Please note: while Ratwater sounds like a town in New Jersey, I believe it’s likely located somewhere in Texas).

The rest of the episode is mostly focused on Jesse (THE titular “Preacher”) and him going about trying to be the Ppreacher he promised his congregation he’d be at the end of the Pilot. Tulip and Cassidy have their moments as well (including a sweet chainsaw fight that’s comparable to the airplane fight Cassidy got into in the Pilot), but the focus was really on Jesse and him reconciling how he thinks he should be acting versus what his inner urges are telling him to do. He baptizes his flock, he sits bedside with a girl who was kicked in the head by a horse, and he even tries to recruit more church members in front of a supermarket. All the while, he’s chided by Tulip as well as his inner demons to take a different course of action. This was most evident when he takes the confession of a bus driving pedophile. Jesse can tell that, while this man hasn’t done anything yet other than have sick thoughts about a girl on his school bus, he could be headed down a dangerous path. At first Jesse seems to just take the confession and move on, but the constant site of the school bus driving by is a haunting reminder of what could happen, and his impotence at stopping it. It finally took a conversation with Eugene (who we learned became disfigured when he tried to kill himself with a shotgun) to open Jesse’s eyes to what he needed to do. Eugene was talking about himself when he asked, “what if this is the me God wants?”, but Jesse asked that question of himself. Was it really wrong for him to ignore what his body was telling him to do if God placed these urges in him? So Jesse breaks into the pedophile’s house, and in true Preacher fashion, baptizes him in scalding water.

The other key thing about that scene was that we got another glimpse of Jesse’s new found ability of persuasion. As he was dunking the pedophile into the bathtub, Jesse keeps repeating “You will forget her!” When his voice gets deeper, we know that the power of persuasion is kicking in, and suddenly, so does Jesse. He can sense something big just happened, and when the creepy bus driver can’t remember anything, Jesse realizes what he can do. The episode ends with him sitting bedside of the unconscious girl and whispers… “Open your eyes!”

A few other things:

• Cassidy had yet another sweet fight scene, this time in the church between the two mystery men who were outside the church at the end of the pilot. It involved a chainsaw and was very Sam Raimi-esque in its choreography
• Line of the Week: “Thanks for getting me all wet” – Tulip after getting baptized
• The mystery men Cassidy killed in the church clearly are in the know about this mystery space force that has possessed the preacher and attempted to get it out of him with a coffee can and some lullabies. This show can feel like a David Lynch movie at times
• The Great Jackie Earl Haley made an appearance as the head of the Quincannon Meat & Power Company. His whole seen was typical for the show as it felt mundane and surreal all at the same time. Similar to other things so far, the show hasn’t really explained what their relevance is to the broader story, but its compelling nonetheless

—Osyp Lebedowicz

[For Silicon Valley “To Build a Better Beta” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
To Build a Better Beta. Dinesh worries about his lack of friends; Monica considers how to deliver criticism.

“Build a Better Beta” is all about trust issues and feedback. It asks questions about how important both are; and the answers, while mixed, ring true for all the characters. The episode opens with Richard and Dinesh debating whether to launch the Pied Piper Beta. Dinesh wants to because it’ll ease the process of debugging for him if other people (Beta testers) provide feedback. Richard, always Mr. Cautious, says it’s not ready. But then he finds out Gilfoyle’s coder girlfriend already checked it out and thinks the Beta’s rad as-is. So, they send it out for a Beta test among people they know and trust. Thus, issues about trust abound. Gilfoyle trusts no one (the girlfriend thing was “just a transaction”) and thus offers his Beta invite codes to the rest of the team while, unsurprisingly, Jared easily has too many trusted friends to invite and ends up using Gilfoyle’s codes as well as his own.

Speaking of trust issues, thanks to Jared’s audit, Erlich finds out Big Head’s business manager embezzled Bachmanity money, supposedly allocating 70% for taxes and then moving it to pay his other clients. Turns out this is likely the “real reason” why they went broke so quickly. Although, at the rate they were burning through Big Head’s settlement, Bachmanity likely wouldn’t have lasted much longer. But there’s certainly no way to become profitable if you’re bleeding internally at a 70% rate. When confronted, the business manager admits he doesn’t actually have the money anymore and thus can’t really pay them back. This arouses the Erlich ire but only apologies from dumber-every-frickin-minute, Big Head.

The same sort of sham permeates the Hooli offices where the EndFrame team finds out through the grapevine that Pied Piper is already Beta testing. Because their team’s nowhere near ready to Beta test their compression app, the EndFrame engineers tell nobody this news. But Gavin finds out anyway because he surreptitiously reads “private” employee emails. Meanwhile Pied Piper gets loads of positive feedback from everybody in the Beta test except Monica, who’s dissatisfied but also insistent with Richard that her opinion isn’t as important as all the others. As the Pied Piper team then reviews who the other Beta testers are, they discover there’s a spy somehow infiltrating from the Hooli offices (Gavin) looking in on their Beta. Gavin brings the wonders of the Pied Piper Beta to the EndFrame and demands they deliver an even better version of it faster than PP can get theirs out to the public. The EndFrame engineers immediately realize it’s going to be an impossible project to catch up to PP; they just don’t have the goods. Meanwhile the Pied Piper team drops a giant poop emoji bomb into the spying Hooli account, destroying both Gavin’s personal laptop and phone. Afterward during the backlash from this confrontation and Gavin’s demands, the best EndFrame engineers quit on Gavin.

In the next scene Erlich and Big Head go to the District Attorney with a plan to sue their embezzling business manager. But instead of a case, they get a lecture series from the DA about how they’ll never get a sympathetic jury, being spoiled, rich, tech billionaires. Just give up is the basic feedback. To get their money, they’d have to legally seize it from the business manager’s other clients, who are essentially either victims themselves or innocent small business owners. As Bachman and Big Head leave, the DA tells Erlich he better pay all those vendor bills for his party or he can expect to be prosecuted by the DA office. Right after this he gets a call from the tech blog Bachmanity bought (in their brief heyday) because they’re doing a story on Erlich neglecting to pay the bills for their launch party. He’s getting smeared from all sides. Thus, Erlich scrapes the bottom of the barrel and makes a deal with Laurie for his Pied Piper shares so that he can pay those bills and clear his (and the Bachmanity) name. It’s the first time we’re seeing Erlich really respond to feedback with relevant behavior, almost as if he has a conscience. Is this character growth or merely a coverup? It’s hard to say until we see what Erlich does next but this could represent a potential shift away from his usual megalomania.

Despite her reservations about the Beta, Monica tells Richard to believe in it. There are always some people who just don’t get even the most successful apps, she says with humility. Unfortunately, it just so happens that this time the one who doesn’t get it is Richard’s biggest fan. Still, after their meeting with Laurie, the Pied Piper team decides to launch the Beta to the public and no longer just their select list of trusted friends. As they launch the Beta Monica says she’s “never been more excited to be proven wrong,” and we’re impressed with how much she means it. That girl’s a unicorn and hopefully Richard will soon realize how lucky he is to have her humble, helpful support.

Then Erlich gets a call from the Bachmanity tech blog saying they won’t do the story on Bachmanity’s unpaid bills after all because the party vendors have reportedly been paid now. He sadly watches the Beta launch knowing that he’s no longer able to benefit from the one undertaking he truly cared about. In fact, we see in Bachman’s face how much his heart was at stake with Pied Piper and now appears to be breaking at the loss.

Feedback really paid off for Richard and worked a catalyst for his confidence and courage to put Pied Piper out in the world. At the same time, feedback was a bitch for Bachman in this episode. Essentially, just as Pied Piper launches like a rocket into a potentially billion-dollar company, he’s lost his entire stake in it. Oblivious Richard pats broken-hearted Erlich on the shoulder as they stand side-by-side to watch the launch, “We did it. You and me, man, forever,” Richard says. But, thanks to his Bachmanity fountain of negative feedback, Erlich isn’t really feeling buddy-buddy with anyone anymore… Least of all himself. So, it’s a bittersweet launch and we’re excited to see the backlash next week as Gavin gets wind that he’s already lost the first battle of the compression application war. It’s unlikely he can get that $250 million back… but can he keep the war waging?

–Katherine Recap

[For Game of Thrones “The Broken Man” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
The Broken Man. The High Sparrow considers another target; Jaime confronts a hero; Arya makes a plan.

“The Broken Man” opens on an idyllic pastoral scene. People in a field of green raising a frame of wood. At first I thought it might be the Ironborn building one of the ships that they plan to pledge to the Mother of Dragons… But no. These people look way happy and this landscape is way too pleasant for the Iron Islands (or the frozen North in Winter).

We don’t recognize any of the players on this greenery, not unless you count Ian McShane — hard-swearing, vice-peddling, alum of some HBO Sunday nights past — until, oh shit IS THAT THE HOUND?

It turns out the Hound is alive!

Sandor Clegane was nursed back from grievous injury by McShane’s character; a Septon of the Seven named Brother Ray* … Presumably after his encounter with Brienne the Beauty.

Though she’s never front and center in “The Broken Man” Brienne’s memory (and her Valyrian steel sword) cast a tall shadow that bring us to my Top 8 badass women of “The Broken Man”:

I. Brienne of Tarth

Given the terror that the Hound’s name inspires in the Riverlands — and all the Seven Kingdoms — as the un-Knight, the Kingsguard, the vicious lapdog of a more vicious king, and the scarred kid brother of the Mountain… the warrior — in this case woman — who beat him must inherit a pretty badass reputation.

After seeing him swing an axe, Brother Ray asks Sandor how many men it took to take him down (the answer being one); and if only one, he must have been a monster (not even a “he” but Brienne). Badass.

II. Margaery Tyrell Lannister

When we see Margaery once again with the High Sparrow, we learn a lot about both in a typically compact span. We find out that Margaery hasn’t been intimate with young King Tommen since their reunion last episode… She just doesn’t feel the desires she once did any more. We also find out (perhaps predictably) that the High Sparrow doesn’t consider a woman’s desire is necessary for participation in the marital bed… “only her patience.”

Margaery seems completely mesmerized by the High Sparrow still, a far cry from the woman who pleaded for Loras to hold on to his resolve and sanity earlier in the season, but matters turn when the High Sparrow tells her that her grandmother, the Queen of Thorns, is an unrepentant sinner. The young Queen’s true allegiances quietly resurface when Margaery passes grandma a secret rose-note and a message to get the hell out of dodge; or rather, King’s Landing.

III. Olenna Tyrell, The Queen of Thorns

Speaking of grandma Tyrell — seeing that she is about to leave the mess that Cersei made and calls the capital of the Seven Kingdoms — we finally get to hear out loud what everyone else has been thinking since Season Two. Cersei is a stupid woman who has done nothing but make mistakes, handed King’s Landing to a fanatic army, brought low to ancient houses, and is probably the worst person Lady Olenna Tyrell has ever met.

Olenna expresses joy though, in seeing that Cersei has actually, finally, lost.

IV. Lyanna Mormont

As suggested in the last couple of episodes, Jon and Sansa hit the Kingsroad to drum up support for their neo-Stark anti-Bolton revolution. The first noble house they hit is the Mormonts… Who are led by a ten-year-old Lyanna (named for dead Ned’s sister, natch).

The diminutive Lady is a firecracker. Though she said that Bear Island knows no King but the King in the North (and his name is Stark) she points out that Jon is a Snow and Sansa is either a Bolton or a Lannister. She rejects the idea of being a “beauty” of any kind, noting that her loyal mother was a warrior; and though only ten, she thinks first, always, of the well being of her Bear Island subjects.

It is only the Onion Knight’s impassioned speech that sways young Lyanna. Her own Uncle Jeor — the former Lord Commander of the Kingsguard — chose Jon as his steward and heir back at the Wall; for the true battle is not between petty houses but between the living and the dead. And against that enemy, Jon is the man who can lead humanity to victory (and survival). For the living to stand against the undead they will need a united North, which is impossible if Bolton banners fly over Winterfell.

Lyanna is in!

After all her bluster Lady Mormont can offer only sixty-two fighting men (but she assures the Stark delegation they all fight like ten mainlanders apiece). The Onion Knight says that if they’re half as ferocious as their Lady, the Boltons are doomed.

We all hope so.

V. Sansa Stark Lannister Bolton Stark-I-Guess?

The next stop on the Jon and Sansa train is Glover. The previous Lord Glover died beside their brother Robb; and though he acknowledges the pledge Glover owes Stark, considers the true House Stark dead. Yes — Glover is supposed to come when Stark calls, but where was Stark when the Ironborn were toppling his castle? King Robb was off getting Glover’s brother killed and taking up with “a foreign whore”.

Sansa gets sternly up in Glover’s grill (to no avail); but she did it.

… And when Sansa realizes Jon has not nearly enough men to take Winterfell she does something more: She sends a letter (presumably to Littlefinger) for help. Curiouser and curiouser.

VI. Yara Greyjoy

We learn a bit of what kind of King of the Iron Islands Yara might have made in a brief scene between her and her brother Theon, across the Narrow Sea. Theon doesn’t know why they sailed to where they are… As Yara slaps the backside of a beautiful young woman (presumably a slave girl prostitute by her facial tattoo and state of undress). Why are they there? Because “nothing on the Iron Islands has an ass like that.”

Yara and her crew are on shore leave and she is going to enjoy herself before the trials to come. She knows Uncle Euron will be after them, but Yara plans to sail for Meereen and treat with Dany first. In the meantime? Recreation.

All across this episode we are left to wonder who the titular “broken man” is… Is it the Hound, living in a [doomed] pacifist community, himself running on hate? Is it Jon, who was dead, and now is accused of representing a dead family? Is it Jaime, separated from his family, a fighting man with no right hand? Is it the Blackfish, damning himself and his people to a lengthy siege against superior enemies, but defiant throughout? Or Lord Edmure Tully, who is paraded about, impotently, as a prisoner? In the end, I think that it is Theon… But that badass Yara goes a fair distance in un-breaking him.

VII. Arya Stark

Arya books passage on a ship back to the Seven Kingdoms… And looks good doing it. Arya has somehow not just a pocket full of money, but two pockets full.

Throughout Game of Thrones Arya is badass over and over again. I think her defining characteristic is adaptability. She trains herself to become a water dancer; when her dancing master falls, she becomes a self-sufficient runaway. She outsmarts a Faceless Man and knocks over a fortress almost all by herself. She travels the world at the side of one of the world’s most noted murderers, then joins a holy priesthood of murderers. All along the way she does what she needs to do to survive, thrive, and learn.

But when booking passage, we see a different Arya. The Arya we have been cheering for all these years succeeded (or at least survived) constantly on the brink of disaster. She didn’t know what she was doing most of the time; but here we see a rich girl, raised in a noble house, telling a merchant what to do because she can buy what she wants. This is a completely different side of Arya… Not unlike one of those rare moments when we get cheer for Bruce Wayne instead of Batman.

Our badass heroine takes one last look as the Braavos skyline, when…

VIII. The Waif

The Waif appears in guise of an old woman… So she can sneak up and stab Arya! The Waif stabs Arya repeatedly! But Arya jumps away into the river, admittedly a bloody mess. The foolish, foolish, Waif thinks herself victorious and walks away.

Arya stumbles around the streets of Braavos, bleeding everywhere (and no one helps)… But she’s still alive. And if there is one thing that a living Arya Stark has shown us, it’s adaptability. If she’s still breathing she will be as immovable as her Uncle Blackfish. You won this round, but watch out, Waif.

LOVE
MIKE

* “Named” but never called, I think; I found that in this Entertainment Weekly article; I can’t say I noticed him called that all ep, and IMDB didn’t know his name.