TV

[For “A Most Powerful Adversary”or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
A Most Powerful Adversary Nora gives Kevin and Jill some news; Laurie makes a rash decision; Kevin explores his options.

“A Most Powerful Adversary” wins the award for the most misleading TV summary ever. None of those three tiny phrases give us any indication of the shitstorm to come. But it’s a comin’… in spades. This episode is all about Kevin and the delusions that reign within his brain. It opens as he awakens in his usual handcuffed-to-the-bed state to find that Nora is gone. She packed a suitcase, took the baby and Mary, then vamoosed. He shouldn’t have told Nora about the voices, Patti reminds him. Isn’t it just like an imaginary friend to say “I told you so,”? Then Jill enters and asks where everybody is and what’s going on. Kevin asks her to get the bolt cutters so he can unhandcuff himself. Jill leaves and then brings back an envelope from Nora. She asks what he did. Kevin won’t say so she reads the letter. All it says is, “Mary and the baby are with me. Don’t call.” Pissed off Jill then leaves abruptly to the hollow tones of Kevin’s, “I’m gonna fix this,” the screen door slams and Patti tells him it’s gonna be a hard day.

Jill goes to the church and tells Michael everything about her dad and grandfather, their voices and sleepwalking, etc. Michael says he talks to someone who’s not there too… Then she asks if God is the one telling him they can fool around but not fuck. He says it’s just that he doesn’t want to because he doesn’t know if he loves her. Then Pissed off Jill is on the move again, storming out of the church.

Kevin goes to the hardware store to see if they can help him cut the leftover wristbit of the handcuffs but then he screws it up by yelling at Patti to “shut the fuck up!” She doesn’t stop her incessant yammering, though, no matter what he says. Michael comes up beside the truck where Kevin’s “talking to Patti” and gets in the front seat. Michael tells Kevin he knows about Patti and says his grandfather, Virgil can help Kevin get rid of her. Michael then directs him to the same spot in the woods where Erika went in the last episode, Virgil’s trailer with the bird-breeding cage nearby.

Virgil comes out to the truck and says for Kevin to come inside, but just him; Patti and Michael aren’t invited. Once inside Kevin finds out he was in this trailer with Virgil the night of the earthquake when the girls went missing during is blackout. Virgil tells Kevin he has to die to face Patti on her turf and defeat her. Kevin says he doesn’t understand and Virgil says, “You understood last time,” thus explaining why Kevin jumped off the cliff that night. Patti’s turf is the land of the dead. Virgil tells him what they have in common is “a most powerful adversary,” and says he vanquished his when John shot him. Virgil’s adversary had “made him do terrible things” (to little boys?) so he’d fought him in death and won, after which Virgil was reborn.

He says he can temporarily kill Kevin. Then Pissed-off-Kevin storms out. Virgil shouts after him, “Come back when you’re ready,” but at that point Kevin’s already screaming his way through the woods for Patti. He confronts her and says she lied to him. She didn’t mention how he’d gone to Virgil’s trailer that night when he blacked out. Patti says so what and then slaps him when he says Virgil knows how to get rid of her. She’s not scared to battle him, Patti says, “Let’s go,” she pronounces, like a drunk at a bar egging on for a beatdown.

Kevin keeps calling Nora but when his phone finally rings it’s not Nora calling but Laurie who’s waiting for him at Miracle’s entrance gate. Kevin talks to her through a chain link fence. It’s been so long since he’s seen her that he’s surprised to see she’s even talking. Laurie says she needs to talk to Tommy. Kevin says Tommy isn’t there and why would she think he was there? She says because Tommy’s in touch with Jill. Kevin asks if Tommy’s OK and she says he’s fine. But Laurie senses that Kevin’s not OK and leaves, ignoring his screams for her not to go. She pisses him off even more than he already was – a possibility that was impossible only moments before.

Kevin then goes to the fire house and asks John for help cutting off the leftover handcuff bit on his wrist. While there he gives his handprint. The fire fighters are taking them as part of the investigation into the missing girls. There was a mysterious handprint on the car – Kevin’s. It turns out the firehouse bolt cutters are missing and they can’t help him with his handcuff but he’s already given his handprint at that point, thus royally fucking himself. Back in his truck Patti points out that he went in there to get free and instead got caught. The only time she ever felt free was when she killed herself, she continues. That’s what free is – dead.

In the next scene Kevin goes home to find Jill waiting. She tells him to get it together and fix this. It’s the second time he’s screwing up his family… her family too. Kevin then goes to Laurie’s hotel and tells her all about Patti. They smoke together. His secret smoking was a source of contention in their marriage so – comedic irony. Then Laurie, who’s a shrink, tells Kevin that Patti wants to stay away from her because she can prove Patti doesn’t exist by testing her with things only Laurie and Patti would know. She tells Kevin what he’s seeing isn’t real, using her shrink chops big time. He’s having a psychotic break, just like his father.

Laurie gives him the story of what she and Tommy did. She explains that after trauma people’s delusions relieve them of emotional pain by making the world seem understandable again when their reality is unbearable because it hurts so much. Laurie tells Kevin he needs medication. He asks if she changed her last name and she says no. Her last name is still Garvey and he could bring her into Miracle, passing as his wife. Kevin wants her to come home with him, “You said I need help. So, help,” he says. So, Laurie goes home with him. He gives her the guest bed where Mary was sleeping.

Then Nora calls but won’t tell him where she is. He tells her there’s a way he can get better but he needs to know she’ll believe him when he says Patti’s gone. Nora says she’ll believe him. He asks if she’ll come back and Nora says she’d like that. Then Jill walks in and sees Laurie so, yet again it’s time for Pissed-off-Jill. She screams for her dad to tell her what’s going on but Kevin just peeled out of the driveway in his pickup. He goes straight to the trailer in the woods where Michael is “just leaving,” and says God be with you to Kevin on the way out. Once inside Virgil gives him poison to stop his heart and explains that he’ll shoot his heart with epinephrine after a few minutes to revive him. Kevin asks if he’s done this before and he gives the example of the guy up on the pillar in the town square as a “success story,” Uh Oh.

Kevin is about to drink the poison when he stops and asks Patti if she wants him to do this or not. She says she does. Kevin then tells her how Laurie said he’s psychotic like his dad. His father told him he vanquished his own voices by finally doing what they told him. Thus, Kevin drinks the poison right as Patti screams, “Kevin stop!” then he’s dead on the floor with scary white death drooling out the corner of his mouth. Virgil fills the needle with epinephrine but drops it on the floor. Instead of picking it up to inject the needle into Kevin, Virgil picks up a gun and eats it, shooting himself without hesitation. Michael enters right then and shakes his head at his dead grandfather’s body then pulls Kevin across the linoleum. It’s unclear where Michael’s taking him but it’s definitely farther away from the epinephrine, not closer. Virgil’s suicide is unexpected for a number of reasons, timing for one, but also because it was he who told Kevin, “Life is precious,” earlier in the episode when Kevin told him he didn’t really want to die.

It’s fascinating how The Leftovers probes into the power of belief especially as a salve within the agony of trauma. Kevin will do anything at all, even die, in order to avoid the possibility that he could have a mental weakness. He’d also rather believe his father’s delusions than face the fact that his father was actually sick. It’s a veritable shitstorm of magical thinking that kills Kevin in this episode. He simply can’t hear Laurie, even though he goes to her for help and seemingly wants more when he brings her home. During his phonecall with Nora we don’t know if he’s going to get rid of Patti via medication, as Laurie suggests, or via Virgil’s death route. We only know he thinks he’ll succeed at extricating Patti. This keeps us clutching to the hope that Kevin will take the sane route. Thus, we’re engaged in our own brand of magical thinking throughout the episode too. Kevin’s dead as of the end of “A Most Powerful Adversary” but still we cling to the hope that somehow he’s going to be OK. The Leftovers does that to us. It wraps us in beautiful, hopeful delusions… before ripping them out from underneath.

–Katherine Recap

[For American Horror Story – Hotel “Room 33” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
Room 33 Ramona and Donovan enact their plan for revenge; Liz Taylor finds true love.

The title of episode “Room 33” raises the hairs at the back of one’s neck because in the first episode we heard Iris say she was “going to feed that thing in Room 33,” with a dreadful tone – an indelible detail. But the real fun of “Room 33” comes from the ways the episode follows through on this theme of three with titillating threesomes.

The episode begins with The Countess in 1926, when she was a mere Mrs. Johnson. Married and pregnant with a gargantuan belly, she visits a doctor to help her with this problem. She claims her husband somehow has no idea she’s pregnant and that she’s only three weeks along. So, her doctor/patient relationship is off to an honest start at least. He takes her to a dirty basement where a nurse shows concern about Mrs. Johnson’s temperature being only seventy five degrees. So, she must already be a vampire at this point, a pregnant vampire. The doctor then extracts the baby and the nurse whispers, “It’s alive,” in horror before the baby seemingly lunges at her. Then the creepy doc swaddles and places it on the pre-countess, Mrs. Johnson’s chest saying, “Congratulations, it’s a boy.” A bit later she visits the baby in a dark attic nursery and tells him, “Mommy’s going to Paris but then she’ll have lots and lots of money and will never have to leave you again,” thus providing this mysterious being with a lifetime’s worth of mommy issues in a mere one minute scene. We won’t see his face until the very last shot of the episode but soon find out his name is Bartholomew.

In the next scene John Lowe wakes up to find Holden in his bed and chases the vampire boy down the hall to his casket room in the empty swimming pool. There John sees the vampire kids in their clear coffins as well as his wife, Alex, who wakes just enough to see him seeing her. And yes, he sees her seeing him seeing her. It’s a trifecta of terror that perfectly encapsulates their marriage. They see each other perfectly well but inevitably deny they see anything, as will later happen when Alex pretends this incident never occurred between them.

Then Liz Taylor and Tristan are having great sex in Ms. Taylor’s bedroom. Liz gives him some Bronte and Oscar Wilde to help develop Tristan’s tiny starved model brain cells a bit. The better to fall in love with, Liz hopes. In fact, they talk about love and Tristan seems genuinely smitten with her. Part of it seems to be that he can still tell himself he’s not gay because Liz Taylor identifies as a hetero female though she still has a penis. She may even feel the same way about Tristan, Liz admits but she’s concerned The Countess wouldn’t approve of their relationship. So, there’s already a third wheel in their relationship at the very beginning. Speaking of The Countess, it’s now time for another, less industrious sex scene. What this sex scene needs is a third participant! The Countess tries to entice Will Drake but can’t get him off or even a bit hard because Will’s hardcore into dick. So, she texts Tristan asking him to come to her suite and fluff Drake a bit for her. Tristan insists he’s not gay but gets busy with Drake for her sake anyway. He’s such a trooper, that Tristan.

Alex then approaches Liz Taylor at the front desk for help because John saw her in her coffin so now he knows. Then she and Ms. Taylor “get rid of those coffins,” before Alex goes to John’s room. Lowe immediately confronts her saying he saw her in a coffin but she’s got a story about him calling her to say he was having visions. She tells John it makes sense because that’s the same story Scarlett told them. He’s just empathizing with his little girl by having the same visions she had. John then runs out on her and back to the coffin room to prove what he saw was real but, of course, she and Liz had removed everything by now… so, he’s back to his appearance vs reality conundrum. Time to hit the bottle.

Ramona and Donovan then visit the Hotel Cortez together. While they ride up in the elevator she’s pulls a shiny hunting knife out of her handbag, ready to slice up some vampire kiddies. Ramona’s excited and eager but Donovan’s a bit hesitant (still hung up on The Countess) so she says she’ll take care of the killing part herself. In the empty swimming pool she gets pissed that the kid coffins are missing now. Iris joins her and says she agrees the kids have to go first if they want to take out The Countess. Along with Bartholomew, they are The Countess’s only reason to continue living. Ramona then searches further for the vampire babies, especially Bartholomew. She finds the black-eyed-baby-monster-we-still-can’t-quite-see in a creepy bedroom. Ramona sing songs for him to come out and see “Auntie Ramona” while she holds her shiny hunting knife high and ready for stabby time. But then in the next scene she’s nursing a scratched cheek at the bar with Liz and asks if “they found it” about Bartholomew so the little monster somehow escaped her dagger and Alex has thus now been enlisted for the job of finding the baby monster. Ms. Taylor tells Ramona she has to get out of the Hotel Cortez right away because the sight of her will upset The Countess. Liz explains that things need to be calm right now because she’s in love with The Countess’s hottie, Tristan. She wouldn’t be able to negotiate with a fired up and feisty Countess.

Meanwhile Donovan is all up in The Countess suite, sniffing panties and such, until interrupted by the dead swedish model duo who are realizing that they’re dead. He tells them they have to find their purpose or they’ll be like hamsters on a wheel. That’s the hotel’s power over dead guests. Donovan tells them the story of a guest named Cara who killed herself in a Hotel Cortez tub. She remained aimless for months until she found her purpose – terrorizing guests of the hotel for kicks. That’s her reprieve from the hamster wheel. Her fun. So, they have to find their own kicks. In the Swedish duo’s first attempt they sex up a guest before killing him – threesome time! But it’s ultimately unsatisfying and they clearly haven’t found their purpose yet… Then they encounter Alex and she tells them killing isn’t where the fun’s at. They’ve got to mess with men’s minds. Alex proposes the perfect scenario. She knows this guy who’s always wanted two girls. Um, yeah Alex, pretty much every guy on the planet meets that criteria. But, of course, we know she’s talking about John and wants to mess with his mind so he forgets she’s now a vampire.

John’s already messing with his own mind, drinking out of a bottle in the hallway. Liz Taylor approaches him and tries to help but Lowe screams that he’d rather just have his breakdown, THANKS. After Liz leaves the two Swedish model types sidle up to him and before he knows it they’re headed to boner town – threesome time again! It’s all quite delightful until the Swedish duo start slicing each other up and bleeding everywhere, spilling blood all over his body while they still gyrate on his every skin cell. When the blood finally overcomes his lust, John runs naked and covered in blood to the lobby where Liz says it looks like his breakdown is progressing well. Then they return together to his room where the Swedish dead duo are so happy now. They say they’ve found their purpose, messing with the heads of horndogs. Goodie for them. James March even makes an appearance to John just to say it looks like he’s finally making himself properly at home in the Hotel Cortez. This propels him to leave. John packs his bags and goes home to Scarlet.

Sad Scarlet tells him Alex hasn’t been home for two days. He promises to make things right again for her. But then it seems like something is pulsating in his suitcase and suddenly he’s chasing whatever it is, eventually finding and shooting it in the kitchen. But then it still gets away, three bullets later, leaving a blood trail. After the shootout Alex and the cops come to the house to help and John’s boss ends up driving Scarlet away in his patrol car while Alex attempts to comfort John who’s upset that Scarlet’s afraid of him now. He says he knows Alex is going back to the Cortez for the night but she won’t outwardly admit it. Then he goes inside and Alex pokes around their yard, still looking for monster baby Bartholomew.

The Countess returns from a blissful getaway with the Drake when she encounters Liz Taylor who finally tells her she’s in love with Tristan. Ms. Taylor calmly explains that The Countess is just playing with Tristan but there’s a real love developing between them. So, let’s all three talk The Countess suggests. The trio talk in Liz Taylor’s humble bedroom. Tristan says The Countess only orgasm come from the heartbreak she causes. She gets a thrill from the moving on part, he says. Then Ms. Taylor pleads with The Countess, “Please just let me have this one, “ and The Countess asks Tristan if this is what he wants as well. When Tristan nods she says fine that Ms. Taylor can have Tristan. But then she slits his throat and tells Liz, “He’s yours. Bury him,” and leaves. It’s unclear what will happen now with Tristan. Does burying him kill him? Or will he come back different? Time will tell. After this she goes to Bartholomew’s room where Alex is caring for her monster baby. The Countess seems grateful that she “saved my son,” and Alex points out that The Countess saved hers as well, although kidnapping and turning a child into a vampire is a fairly progressive definition of lifesaving in some circles. Then we see that Bartholomew lives in Room 33 before the camera finally reveals his face. Let’s just say it’s one that only a mother could love.

–Katherine Recap

[For Scream Queens‘ “Mommie Dearest” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FOX Summary:
Mommie Dearest Grace learns more about Chanel; Dean Munsch becomes a target; a figure from the past returns.

Episode eight, “Mommie Dearest” begins with Grace in Dean Munsch’s office waiting to hear what happened with the sorority baby in the bathtub twenty years ago. But Munsch backpedals on her promise from the end of episode seven and claims not to know anything. Then Grace gets all threatening and weird saying Munsch will fess up the truth when it stabs her in the heart… whatever that means. Next we’ve got Munsch in the shower scene from psycho with the Red Devil ready to stab her before she takes him down with a swift blow. She’d seen the movie Psycho like fifty plus times, the Dean explains. Then just as she’s calling 911, the two Devils enter along with an intimidating somebody in a Justice Scalia mask. But it turns out Munsch had some serious martial arts training with a previous lover and she fights them all into submission until they run away. The Dean reigns victorious once again.

In the next scene the Chanels meet to discuss all the reasons they believe Zayday is the killer but none make any sense. So, Chanel says they’ve got to do what her father always says when you can’t get something done right you pay someone a lot of money to do it. So, she’ll hire someone to find better reasons Zayday and/or Grace are the killers. Next we see Denise in the Kappa kitchen frying up mozzarella sticks. She’s living at Kappa now on 24 hour security duty for Dean Munsch. Chanel No. 3 then offers Denise three million dollars to prove Zayday and/or Grace are the killer.

Then Grace is back in Munsch’s office and the Dean gives her a hypothetically heavy case for why she can’t tell her anything about what happened. Still, she tells Grace the name of the girl who died in the bathtub, Sophia Doyle, and claims that’s all the info she has. Grace is disappointed because she’s pretty sure that’s not her mother’s name – at least not according to her father. Then the Dean points out that maybe Grace isn’t the do-gooder she claims to be and really just a girl looking for her mother. This gets Grace all feisty and defensive. She’s out to find the killer, dammit! Yeah, right.

Back at Kappa Denise is asking around looking for reasons Zayday’s the killer. Candle girl, Jennifer tells Denise about a story Zayday confided in her one night. It’s a classic bullying story and at the end Zayday says she’s out for revenge against the bullies. But then it turns out Zayday’s eavesdropping on Denise and candle vlogger’s convo. Z tells Jennifer she’ll be sorry she ever told that story. So, right on schedule, that night while recording her candle blog, Jennifer gives a candle five stars and then gets whacked with a throat slashing – but the Red Devil doesn’t miss or get his ass kicked this time. Meanwhile in another room at Kappa Denise tells the Chanels she needs an advance of ten percent on the three million to help finance her investigation. Chanel says Denise can just call her family’s money managers for the money. Denise’s “Can I get that in cash?” is still floating through the air when they all then discover Jennifer’s dead body, covered in candle wax.

Grace tells Puppy Pete she needs to find out all about her mother and the answers to what happened to the bathtub baby. They quickly determine that the answer key to everything lies with The Hag of Shady Lane. Because she’s a hag, and evidently quite shady they figure she must have been in a mental institution and leave right away to go there and ask her questions. At the institution they talk to the lady who paints all the patients and she then reveals to them, with a painting, that Gigi is The Hag of Shady Lane and apparently also the bathtub lady but (shocker) she had two babies – a boy and a girl. These scenes are prime examples of how ridiculous the investigations are on Scream Queens. Hey, I’ve got a theory and then five seconds later that theory just happens to be the truth… or so it seems for the moment.

Grace then goes to Gigi’s to confront her and doesn’t scare The Hag of Shady Lane even the the tiniest bit. In fact Gigi drops the bomb that she’s now engaged to Wes, Grace’s Dad. So, the disillusioned Grace leaves and now Wes is the next step on Grace’s confrontational tour. He immediately tells Grace how Gigi was the one who bought the engagement ring and that he’s just going along with it for the great sex that comes along with letting Gigi wear the ring. Then when he mentions that it’s been 16 years since her Mom died Grace realizes that her father must have known Gigi back when she was born. Wes gets all weird and mirror happy while Grace backs away and out the door – now thinking he’s a killer in cahoots with Gigi AKA The Hag of Shady Lane.

The Dean then speaks to the campus, tells them about Candle Jennifer’s death and subsequently shuts down Kappa, as usual. In Chanel’s inevitable hissy fit that follows she hires Scotland Yard to prove that Grace and Zayday are the killers because she simply can’t abide Kappa closing and the subsequent relinquishment of her popularity. Sure they don’t have any jurisdiction in the US, forget about on a college campus, but they can investigate like a Mutha and she’s got plenty of benjamins to bring them on board. Scotland Yard quickly comes up with lots of info for her including the fact that Chanel No. 5 is intent on murdering her. But she quickly dismisses this info because it’s not at all surprising and not to mention that it’s not even slightly related to why she hired them. They’re supposed to prove Grace and Zayday are the killers! Scotland Yard tells her Grace and/or Zayday don’t seem like probable suspects BUT Grace’s mother does have a criminal record. Chanel takes one look at the file and declares that this is all the evidence they need to prove Grace is the killer.

When Grace returns to Kappa Chanel tells her all about her mother and it turns out that she wasn’t the bathtub lady at all, but just a Kappa girl that got drunk and pregnant then fell down the slippery slope of bad girl decisions after that with shoplifting, drunk driving, meth, etc. Denise then tries to play house mother to the Kappa girls. She borrows clothes from Chanel No. 5’s closet and tries to get the girls to do some community service. Chanel interrupts saying Denise can’t be the house mother because she’s the house president. But then they have a private pow wow just the two of them and Denise says Chanel has to apologize to Grace for berating her mother or else Denise will sleep with Chad again and take him away from Chanel. This taps into Chanel’s greatest fear of losing her popularity (the only reason she’s with Chad) and thus Denise finally has her attention. So, Chanel then does what Denise demanded and apologizes to Grace, saying we all have mommy issues anyway. “Kappa is like the mom we never had,” she explains.

When Grace later asks Wes questions regarding what Chanel said about her mother and he says it’s mostly true. They were just really young and foolish, etc. When asked why he hid it from her all these years Wes says he was just trying to protect her. But then Grace gets all strange and says she’s her mother’s daughter and he should stay far away from her if he wants to protect himself. She storms out all huffy puff like. Then Gigi comes in as Grace leaves and tells Wes Grace is doing badly in school and falling apart. He should commit her (or something) otherwise he’s really failing her as a father. That is what good fathers do, after all, commit their child to an institution for getting bad grades their first semester in college. No wonder our country’s mental institutions are simply bursting at the seams with lazy college freshmen….

Then in the final scene we encounter an incognito Boone Clemens, played by Nick Jonas and back from the dead. He attempts to workout at the gym in a giant lumberjack fake beard and stache while on his cell talking about how he’s tired of playing the Red Devil and killing people for Gigi. The plan is to take her down. We knew he was still alive and now we know he’s out for the The Hag of Shady Lane. Well, bring it on, Bro. We’re all waiting to see this one go down.

“Mommie Dearest” makes many attempts to imply that Grace could be our killer but we’re not falling for it here at Fetchland.com. We’re still convinced it’s Chanel No. 1. Hey, she actually kills people for reals! And she’s funny and rich and looks damn good doing it too… What better combo exists for a killer on the glamorous comedy romp Scream Queens than this?

Katherine Recap

[For The Bastard Executioner‘s “The Bernadette Maneuver/Cynllwyn Bernadette” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
The Bernadette Maneuver/Cynllwyn Bernadette Ventrishire encounters an old French foe as Wilkin gains new insight into his holy destiny.

Season One of The Bastard Executioner is almost over!

I. Ash makes an ass out of himself.

In the opening scene of “The Bernadette Maneuver/Cynllwyn Bernadette” the remaining twin (remember, Corbett had her sister tortured and killed in “Broken Thing/Toredig Pethau” to learn the location of the hated half-brother Gaveston) tells Ash that she is bound too tightly. Can he loosen her hands and feet?

Only if you promise not to run away.

Unsurprisingly, she runs away.

Oh, Ash.

Let’s not forget that it was Ash who got the entire tragic plot of this show moving, as he was the one who was seen by Castle Ventris-men, precipitating the attack on the village way back in the Pilot.

Oh, Ash.

II. Love and Jessamy

Jessamy awakes in strange quarters; turns out she is in Isabel’s room, a captive of Lady Love.

The conclusion of the previous episode saw a jealous Jessamy catching Love and Wilkin lip-locked, to no great amusement of the craziest cast member. Jessamy attacked Love… Which got her drugged (placated, mostly) by Father Ruskin and squirreled away for her own safety.

Love lays it out straight: You attacked a noblewoman. That’s bad news. Give up the fool notion that Wilkin is actually your [dead] husband Gawain Maddox and I will provide for your family forever. Persist in this… And I’ll ruin you (no one is going to believe a crazy woman anyway).

Love is uncharacteristically ruthless in this scene. Not ruthless for The Bastard Executioner, but ruthless for Love, certainly.

III. The Bernadette Maneuver

The Reeve takes the blame for the missing twin (he was the one who tied her up), and Ash reappears with the questing band bearing a doe he just trapped, Bernadette.

“She’s not much of a talker,” says Ash introducing Bernadette to the Ventrishire Knights et al… “I must admit I rather like.”

Milus Corbett / Vampire Bill notes that “a beautiful, silent, doe” is the “desire of every man.”

The implication here is that Ash likes shagging animals. A kind of sub-theme to this episode is about where any given character is sticking it, especially in secret, not just Ash.

Ash brings Bernadette to the gates of the Earl of Pembroke (who is assumed to be harboring the hated Gaveston). The goal is to get a feel for how many men Pembroke has by assessing the soldiers’ need for how much meat: The Bernadette Maneuver that gives this episode its name.

The Ventrishire Knights, led by Wilkin (of course) kill [almost] everybody thanks to the Bernadette Maneuver, knocking the first line of guards down to one last guy. Corbett threatens to stuff the last Knight’s mouth with the penises of all the other dead Knights and guardsmen if he doesn’t talk, which is horrifying and would make him the stuff of legend when he is eventually discovered. The questers immediately learn of Gaveston’s hiding spot.

IV. Militant padres share a moment.

The Archdeacon asks the same open mind Father Ruskin gave to Annora, to hear the Rosula’s side of the equation.

Basically, the Seraphim are heretics / zealots.

Um, no they’re not; I read their texts.

They will create chaos with their texts.

Again, I’ve read their texts. They will create chaos only in the Pope’s chambers.

The people are ignorant, driven by fear and fantasy. What they need are simple beliefs and sound moral structure… Which costs money.

Father Ruskin seems unmoved by the Archdeacon’s arguments various, but agrees to tell him where Annora is in return for letting Luca go.

V. The soft-spot Executioner

Corbett &co. Kill everyone but Gaveston, the Earl of Pembroke (harboring him) and the Earl’s mistress. The Earl of Pembroke was actually charged by King Edward to deliver Gaveston out of England, and claims loyalty to the King over any conspiring Barons. He will not sway from this.

That’s fine; Corbett will have his mistress tortured to death in front of the Earl unless he signs a writ giving Gaveston to the Barons.

Wilkin has to draw the line somewhere (apparently?) … He will not torture an innocent woman to death. Corbett points out that she is guilty of the crime of adultery, violating the Earl’s marriage bed, and can be legally punished as a whore. When that isn’t good enough, Corbett agrees to let Toran and Wilkin kill any remaining Knights they want to from the initial village attack, completing their vengeance.

Ding!

As he prepares Pembroke’s mistress for torture, Wilkin whispers to her that he is not in fact going to kill her via a series of vaginally-themed devices, but she should just scream a bunch when he pretends to.

Predictably, the Earl of Pembroke breaks after a scream or three; Corbett notes that for all that pain there wasn’t a drop of blood (but he got what he wanted, so whatever).

VII. Milus and Gaveston sitting in a tree…

In a reversal and redux of their interaction in “Piss Profit/Proffidwyr Troeth”, Vampire Bill strongly suggests that Gaveston blow him in order to receive clemency.

Gaveston does so, or at least tries to, before Corbett cuffs him one. It is strongly implied that blowing the King was Gaveston’s main feature at court (before his expulsion).

I was actually under the impression initially that going after Gaveston was a King-sanctioned hunt, but it seems like the Barons are a little apprehensive about actually pulling the trigger on the kill.

Gaveston is convicted of “malicious counsel” to Edward, and ignoring a decree of “continental exile” … He taunts Corbett to great anger but Wilkin stops Corbett from killing Gaveston. There is a strong implication that the King will kill whoever kills Gaveston (when he finds out) and Wilkin believes Corbett is too useful to Love to endanger himself. So he’s back in Executioner mode. Toran actually strikes the first blow, making it easier for Wilkin to decapitate Gaveston… Who had it coming if anyone on this show did.

“I do not regret loving someone above my status.”

Famous last words, man.

VIII. Three reveals

Father Ruskin was an assassin before he was a priest, not just a soldier. He uses a bone fragment to undo his shackles, kills all the Rosula guarding himself and Luca, and gets the hell out of dodge… Before being surrounded and re-captured. But hey, he was pretty badass before that.

As they ride back to Ventrishire, the company passes what appears to be the naked corpse of the escaped twin from the beginning of the episode. She is beheaded and positioned weirdly, like the bodies from the first few episodes (the nominal reason Wilkin’s crew were captured back in “A Hunger/Newyn”). Ash has a weird, giddy, smile on his face as they pass, which I think is mad foreshadowing. These bodies — though we haven’t seen them in a month and a half — are an as-yet unresolved plot point. Could Ash be a serial killer?

When he finally gets home, having learned Luca and Ruskin are missing (but having a chance to smooch Love), Wilkin encounters Annora. He blames her for everything he’s had to do, calling his own actions “unforgivable” and declaring her the devil.

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Annora declares him her son.

Annora’s mic drop brings the theme of sticking it — sometimes in secret — full circle. We have Ash in his animals; Wilkin [not yet] in Love (but a huge point of contention between Love and Jessamy, and the solution to Love’s pregnancy problem); the Knight and his threatened mouthful of dead compatriots’; Milus and Gaveston; Gaveston and Edward; and now Annora (and presumably the Dark Mute).

One more to go.

LOVE
MIKE

[For Fargo “The Gift of the Magi” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
The Gift of the Magi Floyd takes action and Charlie tries to prove himself; Peggy and Ed disagree about what to do next.

Fargo goes hardcore mainstream with this episode’s title, referencing one of the most well-known short stories ever told. We’ve all read or at least heard about The Gift of the Magi, the story of a poor couple who each sell their most treasured possession to buy a Christmas gift for the other. Then there’s the fun part, the wicked twist at the end – she got a watch chain for the watch he just sold and he bought a fancy clip/comb for the long hair she sold. In the poignant and oft misappropriated words of Alanis Morrisette, “Isn’t it Ironic?” As far as this episode, the answer is an indubitable yes, every storyline thick with this particular twist.

The story starts with the deeply resonant voice of the American Dream – Ronald Reagan gives a speech in Minnesota while on his presidential campaign trail. It’s a message thick with hope for a better tomorrow. Throughout the Reagan pep talk voiceover we see fourteen men on the Kansas City crew out for a hunt. Just as they’re about to shoot their first animal the unsuspecting crew take on sudden gunfire from behind and end up losing a a dozen men, everyone but Joe and one of the Kitchen Brothers. Reagan finishes his speech to a crowd with tears streaming down their inspired all american cheeks as they rise to their feet with applause.

Next we see Hanzee bring Rye’s belt buckle to Floyd and say it was a butcher that did it. Dodd misinterprets this to mean it was a contract killer posing as a butcher and thus that’s why they call him the “Butcher of Luverne.” Dodd is pulling this out of his butthole, of course, simply because it fits his vision for escalating the war.

In the next scene Dodd comes home from the hunting shootout to tell Floyd they took out all of the Kansas City crew except Milligan – who wasn’t there. Floyd says she wants the butcher dead and to show him no mercy. This mention of Ed shifts the scene to him waking from a guilt-laden dream about the bloody Rye. He gets up and goes down into the basement where Peggy awaits. She’s surrounded by her Hoarders level collection of magazines and books piled to the ceiling. Peggy finally tells Ed how her boss, Constance, saw the car and knew about the accident before they hit the tree to establish their fake alibi. She knows something! Panicked Peggy says they have to leave town. Those Gephardt ghouls are coming for us. We can’t stay here. Ed adamantly insists they dig in their heels, have kids, buy the butcher shop, stay together, make it work, figure it out. That’s what people do. He reminds her that she said all they had to do was clean up the mess and then could go back to normal. The visual representation of Peggy’s inability to let go of reading material coupled with her yearning to leave it all behind sets an ironic stage here.

In the next scene, Dodd allows Bear’s eager kid, Charlie to go along for the Butcher of Luverne murder with his minion, Virgil. Meanwhile Simone drives off to a hotel rendezvous with Mike and we see that one of the Kitchen Brothers also survived and stands by Milligan in his hotel room. So, the Kansas City crew is down to two. Simone tells Mike she didn’t know Hanzee was going to attack them. You believe me don’t you? She drops to her knees before him. Then he says, What are we Romeo and Juliet? and shows her Joe Bulo’s head in a hat box. Mike tells her he wants to know what her family’s going to do before they do it every time… otherwise she can die with the rest of them. So, Simone hits the bricks and it’s unclear if she’ll be back in Romeo’s arms anytime soon. One thing’s for certain, she’s stuck in an ironic situation. If Simone wants to be with Mike she’s gotta cozy up with her despicable father, the very person who’s driven her into Mike’s arms. Simone goes home to a threatening Dodd who offers her a “fist or a knife” ya know, like Dads do. It’s only because Floyd steps in to stop Dodd from messing with his daughter and tells Simone to go upstairs that he doesn’t start beating her right then and there.

At the butcher shop Ed’s making family calls trying to get a loan and failing. It’s a recession – remember? The cashier, Noreen asks him why he bothers. He’s just gonna die anyway. What’s the point? She’s resolute in her pig-tailed, absurdist philosophy. Bear’s son, Charlie shows up at the butcher shop then, gun in hand and hesitant about proving himself a real Gerhardt. Before he goes in the family minion reminds him not to leave any witnesses. Charlie enters the shop and Noreen asks him what meat he wants. He says he just wants to see Blumquist so she tells Charlie Ed’s the back. They flirt a little and talk Camus until Ed comes out with a plate of fresh cuts. Charlie chickens out. He buys meat and leaves.

Lou gets a call from the Fargo PD that there are twelve dead bodies in the woods and it’s obviously a Gerhardt job. Can Lou come and be a tough guy at the Gerhardt’s like last time? Lou says he’ll come first thing tomorrow after he’s done escorting Reagan’s bus to the next town. Then, in the best scene of the episode, Lou and Reagan are side by side chatting at a roadside urinal. Reagan thanks Lou for his service and tells his own war story. The irony lies in Reagan’s story because it’s about one of his war movies and he can’t even remember the ending. Reagan talks too long after Lou’s already zipped up and then Lou says he wonders if The United States can really get out of the mess we’re in. The sickness of the world seems to have gotten inside everyone, even his wife – killing her with cancer. How are we going to et out of this mess we’re in? Reagan responds, “Son, there’s not a challenge on God’s earth that can’t be overcome by an American,” Lou says, “But how?” and Reagan leaves the bathroom without answering.

In the next scene Betsy takes her trial drug and looks at her daughter’s drawing. At first it looks like a typical child’s doodle of a family with a house and sun above. But then we see it’s not the a sun at all, but a UFO. Hank comes in and Betsy tells him she’s nauseated but that’s good because it means she’s probably on a real drug and not just a sugar pill. The irony – reading a symptom of sickness as the best possible outcome.

Meanwhile back at the butcher shop Charlie’s in the phone booth calling home and says he’s ready to go back to school. It’s Bear’s dream come true for his son, if he makes it out of this debacle alive. Virgil then pressures Charlie back into the butcher shop. Once inside he flips the door sign to “Closed,” pulls out his gun and sneaks into the back room where Ed’s cutting a pig into pieces. Noreen comes out of the bathroom and alerts Ed with a shriek as Charlie takes a shot, so he ducks out of the way of the bullet, which misses Ed but starts a massive fire. Virgil then storms in from the back and the real fight ensues, a blazing fire spreading throughout the ruckus. It’s a close one with Virgil nearly strangling Ed before he frees himself and machetes Virgil. He and Noreen save Charlie, knocked out on the floor, and drag him out of the fire. The three of them are out of the street when the fire completely overtakes the butcher shop. The place is toast. Ed watches his American Dream go up in flames and advises Noreen to tell the cops those perpetrators shot first and it was self defense and he saved the kid. Then Ed, still in his bloody butcher apron, runs away as Noreen calls after him – confused why he couldn’t just tell the cops himself. Lou shows up at the shell of the now burnt up butcher shop and sees Charlie Gephardt sliding into the ambulance on a stretcher.

At the Blumquist’s Peggy packs a bright orange and a blue suitcase then picks up her freshly fixed car at the shop and pays with a bad check. She starts to drive away but then comes back and asks the dufus mechanic, Sonny if he wants to buy her car. He gives her seven hundred for it, about half what it’s worth… but she was eager to strike a deal today. She even says, “Better 700 today than 1400 tomorrow,” as if this is a well-known tome for ages. In her next scene it’s classic Gift of the Magi time on Fargo. Ed gets home and says they need to pack and it’s time to go. Time to run like Peggy said. Then she says no he was right. She sold the car and now they can buy the shop. Ed tells her the shop burned down and he killed another fella – maybe two. She’s gotta pack and they gotta go. Then police sirens are blazing outside their door and there’s no time to even consider packing. Irony prevails. They were both wrong and Lou was right.

But the biggest irony of this episode is the whole “American Dream” concept as best exemplified by Reagan’s presidential campaign. Have hope for the future! Believe in yourself! This coupled with the comedic insight of Noreen, the butcher shop cashier who quotes Camus and responds to every silver lining with, ‘You’re going to die anyway,” provides us with the most resonant ironic twist of the time. They’re both right. We are all going to die anyway and sure, why not go down in a blaze of apple pie and baseball glory – confident, happy, and armed to the gills with pride in the American Way. It’s at least as good a condition as any other for dying. Of course, to Lou’s point, these points of view and ways of life are hardly answers to the real challenges we faced as a country in 1979. The recession had exhausted our options until all americans felt we had left to hope for was a sunny outlook and the glorious, moving speeches of a movie star. Lou’s resonating question to Reagan remains, like an echo in the chambers of our country’s heart. How are all these pep talks really an answer to our problems? Lou remains the voice of reason for Fargo and he illuminates us as an audience with his insight. Meanwhile every character on the show ignores Lou’s reasonable conjecture and instead listens to the guy who sounds better and says precisely what they want to hear – Ronald Reagan.

–Katherine Recap

[For The Leftovers‘ “Lens” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Lens Nora is irritated by unexpected visitors; Kevin’s predicament becomes impossible to ignore.

It’s interesting that the HBO summary doesn’t even mention Erika (Regina King’s character) for the episode “Lens” because her character’s light shines brightest in this one. Nora also plays a brilliant role here and they’re each a lens through which we see the incidents and emotions playing out in this particular storyline. But it’s really Erika we get to know as her heart beats through us here. Part of this comes from the fact that she answers a bunch of our questions clearly and quickly in “Lens” and the other part is that we experience her heartbreak, delusions and pain firsthand. Even when it’s about Nora, somehow it’s still all about Erika too. “Lens” is an episode about focusing our sights on the source, like a magnifying glass with sunlight streaming through.

There’s a set of scientists who have a theory that certain people among us are lenses. This means their mere presence in your life could cause you to depart. Because Nora lost her entire family and then three teens seem to have departed the very day she moved in next door to one of them, these scientists think Nora’s a lens. In the first scene of “Lens” one of these scientists, Dr. Joaquin Cuatro knocks on Nora’s door and alienates her with his probing questions and lack of tact. So, she’s not really in the mood later when Cuatro’s colleague calls to apologize for his abrupt manner

A guy from the DSD (Department of Sudden Departures) comes to Nora’s yard and she tells him she’s on leave from the DSD herself. As they talk neighbor Erika quickly leaves to get in her car and ignores the DSD guy’s cries to get her attention. Erika wears a hearing aid, so it’s unclear if she’s ignoring him on purpose. Then she drives to the forest and digs up a shoebox just like the one she dug up in a previous episode with the bird that flew away when she opened the box. This time there’s a dead bird inside. Erika removes the dead bird and places it near a pile of other dead birds nearby. Afterward in town the moms of the other two missing teen girls approach her and say she’s got to cooperate with the DSD. Erika says no she doesn’t.

Later Nora joins the DSD guy at Smittys and finds out info about the current departure investigations – the three teenage girls. He tells her the DSD thinks maybe the teen trio did actually depart. She finds out they’ve even changed the questionnaire now to focus it better. Then Nora asks if the DSD thinks one person can be responsible for another’s departure. He says yes and tells her about “lensing.” The DSD guy describes it as being like when a kid holds a magnifying glass to an ant and burns it with sunlight. There was an article about it in Scientific America last month, he tells her. She goes straight home and reads the article.

Then Erika treats a clinic patient beaten up for selling water. She realizes it was her husband, John that pounded the guy and says he should let it go. “Let him slide, just this once.” He asks why and Erika says so she won’t see him back there again that night, fixing him up because he got beat up again. When she gets home Erika sees Baby Lily in her carseat on the hood of the Garvey truck outside. She brings Lily to Nora who says Kevin was supposed to be watching Lily. They tell stories about each losing their children for brief periods and Erika finds out Nora lost two children before.

Back at the Murphy’s John asks Erika if she blames him for people throwing rocks through their window. She says he needs to hit people because he needs to hit people, like the man he beat up this morning. John claims it’s because the guy was “selling lies” …but maybe he’s just angry. Erika seems to think so. But she hugs him when he says he’s trying. There’s a lot of forgiving wife syndrome going around this morning in Miracle – Nora was also uber quick to forgive Kevin for his negligence with Baby Lily.

Then Dr Cuatro’s colleague calls Nora again and this time she asks if they think she’s a lens. The doctor says yes. Nora asks why and she says the research is divisive but they think it has to do with the demon Azrael choosing her to do his dirty work. Nora hangs up before the woman finishes explaining – either laughing or crying, it’s unclear which. Next she takes Mary to visit Matt at the campground and says she’ll pick him up on their way to Mary’s OB appointment the following week. He asks why Nora looks dressed up and she explains that they’re going to a fundraiser for the missing teens straight from there.

Erika changes her hearing aid batteries but hasn’t put them back in her ears yet when she sees a boy dropping off a pie at her front door. She races after him, fast and focused, arms pumping and heart pounding across streets and around corners. Erika narrowly avoids an oncoming car right before finally catches him. She asks him why he ran but can’t hear because the hearing aids are back home so Erika tells the boy to repeat and speak slow. Then she brings the pie out to the old man Michael visits for prayers. He’s in a field with raising sparrows. Turns out he’s related to Erika and left the pies on their porch. Now she knows Michael visits him to pray. Erika’s mad and doesn’t want his damn pie or for him anywhere near her family. He asks if she wants to take a bird with her when she goes and she denies any interest.

Then Jill goes to the fundraiser with Michael Murphy and Nora meets Kevin there. Nora donates $500 to the cause and then gazes longingly at the DSD guy’s briefcase – tucked next to his chair in front of her. The two women who approached Erika in town run a slideshow with pictures of their girls growing up together. As the slides flow Nora peeks inside the DSD guy’s briefcase and takes out the questionnaire file, slips it into her handbag and leaves. The guy who slaughters goats enters and lays down his plastic. Erika tries to stop him and then we have a round of Erika Explains It All for a bunch of Miracle mysteries. She pronounces that because he killed a goat on the October 14th Departure date many townsfolk think maybe he saved them. So, now he gets a pass to kill goats whenever he wants. Then Erika focuses on the wedding dress lady and says she’d tried on the dress on Departure day and thus now she wears it every day just in case that detail was what saved them all. Miracle’s a town with subscriptions to numerous superstitions in the hope of staying safe and sound. Yet here they are with three missing girls and no wedding dress or goat can change that.

That night Nora goes to Erika’s front door and hands her the questionnaire from the DSD guy’s briefcase and explains it will help her be prepared to answer them. Nora says Erika’s scared that if she answers the questions she and Miracle will find out that maybe Evie didn’t depart. Erika says so come in and ask me the questions, then. So, Nora sits with her and goes through them. One of the questions is the last words Evie said to her. Erika doesn’t remember the answer to this but answers all the rest of the questions completely. One of the other questions is about withdrawing a large sum of money from the bank and why. Erika admits she withdrew a large sum recently because she planned on leaving John. Then she talks about her grandma who told her Miracle was so special you can bury a bird in the woods for three days and it will fly away when you open the box on the third day. Her grandma told her if the bird’s alive you can make a wish and it will come true. Erika says she knew it was all pretend as a kid but because of the Departure happening she no longer knew what was pretend anymore. She told Nora she buried a sick sparrow for three days and wished her kids would be OK if she left John. Erika knew Michael would be fine because of his faith but that Evie would be heartbroken. So, she’d really been wishing Evie would be OK without her. The bird flew out, a medical impossibility. Thus Erika got her wish. Then the next night her daughter was missing. So, Erika believes she is the LENS that lost her Evie.

Nora feels the weight of Erika’s heartbreak about this because she also felt responsible for losing her children and thought it was her fault but, she explains to Erika, she’s evolved past the guilt now. “Terrible things happen in the world and the only comfort we get is that we didn’t cause them,” she says. “I’m sorry but this had nothing to do with you.” Then Erika asks if her children departed or died and Nora says they departed. Erika asks what their last words were to Nora but she doesn’t answer and just leaves in tears.

When she gets home Kevin says they need to talk. She asks if it can wait until tomorrow and he says no. He asks if she notices that he’s been losing his mind. Then he tells her about how he’s seeing the Ghost of Patti. Just as he finishes explaining it a rock crashes through their front window. Nora turns to look and Erika stands there long enough to catch Nora’s eye and stare right back, completely unabashed about being seen.

Mysterious and shocking sidebars:

After she’s dressed up nice for the fundraiser, Erika confronts Michael about visiting the old man and tells him not to anymore. She says do you know what your father would do if he found out? And Michael says, “Shoot him again?” Oh snap. It appears that maybe John went to prison for shooting Erika’s father – or something like that.

In a tiny scene Laurie, Kevin’s ex wife (Amy Brenneman) calls Nora on her cell and asks if Tom is there with them in Texas. Nora says no, she’s never even met Tom. Laurie replies that if Tom ever does come there to tell him she’s worried about him and she’s sorry. Nora promises to do so… Uh oh. Sweet Tom who was the self-proclaimed healer and redeemer last time we saw him is missing now.

Regina King, who plays Erika, was the guest on Thursday night’s Late Night Show to talk about The Leftovers and during the interview she described the show as a sort of “Misery Porn” for people. This is particularly true of the last two episodes in season two. What began as a glorious feast of hope and only a side salad of dread has now officially spiraled into a sadness festival of a season. Thing is now even the most sad-averse of us are hooked on it completely. With its two mothers, the indomitable Erika and vulnerable Nora as our lensesof insight and heart wrenching emotion we can’t let go of The Leftovers anymore than they can let go of their departed children.

–Katherine Recap

[For American Horror Story – Hotel “Room Service” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:

Room Service Alex uses an unconventional treatment to save a dying patient; a Halloween-hating couple tests Iris.

The “Room Service” episode revolves around the theme of that special situation when something shows up at our threshold that ordinarily wouldn’t in everyday life. It works in a literal, symbolic, and horrific sense throughout. Because it’s American Horror Story this theme starts out with a bloody, messy, pock-marked miracle.

Alex’s measles patient, Max, lies close to death thanks to his mother refusal to vaccinate him. So, Alex does what any solid pediatrician would and sucks down numerous blood bags in the hospital supply fridge before injecting her blood into his IV. Who’s gonna make the next list of top Los Angeles docs? This miracle worker, baby! The next morning Measles Max awakens a new boy, healed and ready to leave the hospital. When he gets home a little later, though Max bites his mommy’s neck to death and leaves her on the kitchen floor to board the yellow school bus in a pirate costume. Max then turns his school into child vampire academy. It starts when he kisses a girl, Maddie. Then he bites her and when she’s cranky about it he bites his own lip then kisses her again. Maddie quickly becomes a vampire in the closet where they kissed and then Max starts a whirlwind of stabbing teachers and turning kids into vampires. Soon the child vampire-filled school is on lockdown. None of the adults become vampires because Max stabs them or slits their throats – it’s just undead kids and blood everywhere. Then cops surround the school and start herding blood-soaked kids out. The cops ask Maddie what happened and she makes up a story on the spot about a man dressed all in black. Max smiles when he hears her and repeats her story for the cops and news media.

Meanwhile at Ramona’s mansion Donovan serves up his own brand of room service when he delivers the answer to all Ramona’s vampire prayers – Iris. He tells Ramona how Iris can help her because she’s just the Hotel Cortez insider she needs. Ramona’s then intrigued by Donovan’s reckless sex appeal and the fact that he’s delivering her the solution to her troubles makes the hottest man on the planet all the more attractive.

Iris goes back to the Cortez where Elizabeth Taylor right away serves up the antidote for the wretchedness of being newly vampire – blood in a martini glass. Iris moans to Elizabeth Taylor about being damned to eternity in her crappy body and even worse life. Ms. Taylor suggests Iris try some violet eyeshadow as she heads back to work at the reception desk. While back at work Iris greets a pretentious and patronizing couple -potential guests who like totally deserve a discount for being cool. These douchebag hipster guests then call Iris for room service and demand a variety of unavailable fancypants items including paté. So, Elizabeth Taylor helps Iris put cat food on a silver platter for them.

Then they have a chat about Ms. Taylor’s backstory. He’s from Topeka. Back in the 80s he was a traveling pharma sales rep and married, with a kid. While on the road he dresses in women’s clothes and drinks champagne by himself… until one fateful night when he stays at the Cortez and meets the The Countess. She tells him his blood smells like a woman’s and he was born to be a goddess. Thus, the makeover begins and The Countess transforms him into Elizabeth Taylor. When he’s too nervous to go out and be seen but she convinces him to get ice down the hall. Ms taylor’s in bliss, gliding down the hall until two of his coworkers see him and accuse him of having AIDS. He screams that he’s not gay and then the Countess saves the day. She kills the bigots for Elizabeth and tells him we all have two selves and we’ve got to embrace the shadow self. Although The Countess didn’t infect him, he did start living that day, Ms. Taylor explains to Iris. He tells Iris she can’t let people treat her terribly and she should start with the wretched hipsters. Iris takes them the room service and they berate her to a horrifying degree until she stabs them repeatedly all the while screaming that she matters. Iris and Elizabeth Taylor dispose of the hipster bodies and then Iris is finally starting to feel better. “I never really knew how to live until I died,” she says.

Meanwhile John Lowe’s boss confronts him about what happened at Devil’s Night. He says it must be a copycat blood cult with people pretending to be serial killers. They’ve got to get cadaver dogs, a warrant and forensics team into the Hotel Cortez right away! But his boss doesn’t feel quite the same urgency and instead says he’s questioning John’s sanity. In fact, John’s fired. Next thing John knows he wakes up at the Cortez next to Hypodermic Sally who he was apparently screwing like a madman all night. Sally tells him it’s their destiny to do this together so they’ll do it again and again and again because you can’t fight destiny. So John experienced a different and more delightful brand of room service at the Hotel Cortez that night… and instead of being grateful he’s just plain old horrified.

In the final scene Alex finally gets to hang with Holden, who recognizes that she’s just like him now. The Countess explains that Alex will now play the role of governess to all the children of the Cortez. Alex expresses concern that John will see her at the Hotel and wonder what’s up. The Countess says Alex would be surprised by the wondrous possibilities that can arise with a simple, ‘Hello.” Kind of like how you never know what delight an order of room service might bring into your life, especially at the Hotel Cortez.

–Katherine Recap

[For The Bastard Executioner‘s “Broken Thing/Toredig Pethau” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
Broken Thing/Toredig Pethau Wilkin, Milus and Toran team up to hunt down a fugitive.

Love is in the air in Ventrishire in “Broken Thing/Toredig Pethau”!

We open on Wilkin (aka Gawain) in the Maddox apartments with his fake-wife Jessamy; Jessamy wants to make sure she “gave pleasure” when the pair “lay together” back in “Behold the Lamb/Gweled yr Oen” … All good!

Meanwhile, in the nicer part of the castle, Isabel sews a pillow for Love to wear around; after all, Love is meant to be two or three months pregnant with the dead Baron’s baby.

“Is there anything I should know about our punisher?” Isabel asks.

Love is in the air — and then all of Love’s furniture is in the air. She throws a bit of a fit at the suspicions* surrounding her bff’s question.

We soon learn that our old buddy Gaveston — you know, the flip French nobleman who so bedeviled Love back in “A Hunger/Newyn” and “Piss Profit/Proffidwyr Troeth” — is now on the outs with the King. A cohort of Barons is now on the lookout for the exiled Gaveston; not only that, but visiting Barons invite Love into a kind of conspiracy [against the King]. They offer Love quite a bit of cash to help them in their semi-conspiracy; she negotiates the right to negotiate with the Welsh insurgents (aka her brother) in exchange for bringing in Gaveston herself.

Love is in the air in the caves as well. Annora unfurls the mystery of the Seraphim to the visiting Father Ruskin. Allegedly the Seraphim are caretakers of nine scriptures written by Jesus himself “one testament, one author”. Ruskin says if this is true the foundation of all he believes is shattered… Also it somewhat explains the marauding Knights coming after Annora and the other Seraphim.

The “Knights of the Rosebud” are descendants of the very soldiers who whipped and tortured Jesus. They believe he rose, forgave them, and charged them to protect the story of Jesus as they understood it. The [true?] Seraphim account is obviously a huge threat to all that.

Father Ruskin tells Annora that he is not a scholar or a prophet; she tells him what they need is a warrior.

… And in come the Knights of the Rosebud.

Love may be in the air in “Broken Thing/Toredig Pethau” but so are Annora’s hanging snakes. Some of them come alive and kill a Knight. Then a triggered ceiling-blade. Then a firebomb. All-in-all several of the invading bad guys are poisoned / stabbed / immolated, giving Ruskin, Annora, and the Dark Mute leave to leave.

Ruskin makes it back to Castle Ventris and tells Wilkin where to find the caves-fled Annora. They hook up, and Wilkin receives another vision: This one of a drowning baby; seemingly saved by a nun and a sword-toting Knight (you know, maybe Annora and The Dark Mute… but maybe not). Probably — cryptically? — baby Wilkin.

For no reason at all our protagonists are beset by a swarm of angry nomads. Remember when some Ventris Knights clashed with nomads last episode? Well Toran and Wilkin — on foot — dispatch multiple mounted nomads, while The Dark Mute strangles one to death with his bare hands without drawing his sword.

A second wave of 6-9 mounted nomads ride on, and The Dark Mute volunteers to handle them all. It really looks like Sutter is going to kill off… Well… Sutter, but instead he dispatches everyone.

Not a scratch on any of the three!

“Bury them in the soft sand,” says The Dark Mute.
“I thought he was without tongue,” concludes Toran, understandably.

We know from Gaveston’s visit to Ventrishire that the beautiful twins are actually his half-sisters. Vampire Bill is aware that they know where Gaveston hides; and has the Reeve torture one to death to find out. The other gets physically and mentally violated.

Vampire Bill cautions Love about Gawain/Wilkin. Love has become “formidable” in the absence of the Baron, and doesn’t want her individual time with Gawain to unravel her heightened political position.

In the climactic scene of the episode, Wilkin meets Love in the castle tombs, where her family surrounds her. They start making out… when fake-wife Jessamy appears! Uh oh. Jessamy, already feebleminded, flips out completely and reveals horrible scars from a torn dress… The handiwork of the “real” Gawain Maddox.

Father Ruskin helps Love and Wilkin to drug and calm down Jessamy while Wilkin goes off to help capture Gaveston. The nasty old “Knights of the Rosebud” capture both Ruskin (whom they know was with Annora) and little Luca Maddox!

… And so, the setup for next week.

Here are my big questions for this week:

• Who is the “warrior” Annora was referring to… Wilkin or Ruskin? (I assume Wilkin)
• For that matter, what was the significance of baby Wilkin?
• Who, or what, is the episode’s “Broken Thing”? The tortured twin certainly broke — she gave up the location of her brother; but my bet is on Jessamy.

LOVE
MIKE

* “Suspicion is fear without truth” -Love (great definition IMO)

[For Scream Queens‘ “Beware of Young Girls” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FOX Summary:
Beware of Young Girls The Kappas use a Ouija board in hopes of communicating with Chanel No. 2 and identifying the killer.

Scream Queens episode seven opens on Chanel No.2’s funeral with a bubble gum pink casket, a ferocious Chanel No. 1 and all the beautiful sadness a silly satire can muster. In order to quell the flummoxed Chanel no. 1, the Chanels decide to contact Number 2 so she can say she’s sorry and quiet the shrieks of No. 1. They play Ouija board and it totally tells them so many things they can hardly believe it. The board spills the beans on all kinds of dirt especially about Chad cheating on Chanel No. 1 even now after he promised to be monogamous.

In the next scene Gigi yells at someone on the phone that “We’re murderers! We’re vengeful killers not just kidnappers.” Then Wes comes home to her and she has to get off the phone… so it wasn’t him on the phone. In other words, he’s not the killer. Then we see Grace shopping with Gigi to help her pick out clothes so she’ll no longer dress like a member of the Beverly Hills 90210 cast. Grace’s real goal, though is to get intel on her Dad from his current girlfriend. She fails on that count, seeing as how Gigi lack the sanity to have any insight into Wes, but does get other info.

During their talk Gigi drops hints about a previous student, Feather, who clearly has a vendetta against Dean Munsch. Feather McCarthy, played by the incomparable pixie, Tavi Gevinson dressed like a member of Wharhol’s factory. She had an affair with Dean Munsch’s husband when he was her Beatles professor at the university. They fell in love, so he left the Dean for Feather and they got married. The Dean didn’t take it well. She started dressing just like Feather and stalked her until she eventually got kicked out of school and had to finish her education online. Someone even tried to kill Feather in the bathtub during this time with a transistor radio, just like how the Dean before Munsch was murdered… interesting. After Feather tells Grace and Puppydog Pete this story she returns home to find her husband decapitated – head aglow in her fish tank.

Meanwhile Chanel No. 1 confronts Chad about the Ouija board revelations, who happens to be wearing a baby blue silk robe. He says he does have a confession but it’s not that he’s cheating, it’s that he’s lactose intolerant and rubs his goat’s belly regularly to get some lactose-free high protein refreshment. The ghost obviously mistook his goat for some girl action. Then Detective Chisolm accuses the Dean of killing her ex husband at the very least and maybe even the Red Devil killer too. He says, “Like um, I’m sorry but uh, like you’re like kinda under arrest. Seriously.” They take her off to a mental hospital for the criminally insane in a straight jacket. In the next scene Grace and Pete smooch when she gets a call from Dean Munsch saying Grace has to come see her at the insane asylum. So, she brings her puppy Pete along and visits Munsch the next morning. The Dean seems content at the asylum, sketching in crayon and claiming it was Feather who killed her ex husband and maybe all the other killings too. Dean says you can’t trust a girl like Feather who has a full bush between her legs. She’s obviously hiding something… During the conversation the Dean rejects an asylum sandwich because she’s allergic to the sulfites in deli meats.

Then Grace and Pete look at the evidence file from Detective Chisolm and there was a bologna sandwich at the crime scene of her ex husband’s death, obviously consumed by the killer. They surmise that therefore she can’t have been the killer. Then we’re back to a new Ouija conversation between the Chanels and No. 2. They ask a bunch of questions that only a real ghost would know, like how many tampons are in Hester’s purse – 9, and what cereal No 3 choked on as a kid – Kix. Then they ask who’s killing everybody and ghost of Chanel No. 2 says No. 1 is the killer. This scares all the other Chanels and they run away from a fuming No. 1. They attempt to plan her death but their ideas are far too dim to ever succeed. Nevertheless, they vow to keep trying and murder her that very night.

Chanel No. 2 shows up at the end of sleeping Chanel No. 1’s bed to apologize – visiting from hell. Turns out the other hellions told her the only way she could get to heaven would be to make things right with Chanel No. 1. So, here she is, apologizing. No. 1 accepts her apology and then No 2. tells her the other Chanels are coming to murder her but she needs to be the bigger person – be a leader. Chanel wakes up then, it was all a dream. Or was it?

Grace and Pete then go to Feather’s place and take her toothbrush so the detectives can compare the DNA to the half eaten sandwich found at her husband’s murder scene. It’s a match! She’s the killer! Chisolm says that they don’t exactly have a motive for Feather to have done all the other killings on campus but they’re certainly working on it. They lock away that little pixie and throw away the key. Then Grace confronts Dean Munsch about the connection between Feather and all these other killings and asks her what happened to that baby from the Kappa bathtub murder. Munsch says she’ll tell Grace as soon as she comes to the Dean’s office for an official talk. She’s extraordinarily adept at stalling, that Dean.

Chanel No. 1 then confronts the Chanels about how they’re planning to kill her. She says kinda gets it though and she’s willing to let bygones be whatever and hands out gifts – Nancy Drew pink hats and giant magnifying glasses. They’re going to team up and find the real killers dressed as the cutest detectives this campus has ever seen. There’s no way Feather could have done all this murderous campus wreckage on her own and she’s obviously being framed. “Do I make myself clear, you whores?” she asks. They all nod their perfectly docile heads.

In the final scene Dean Munsch twirls to the song “Beware of Young Girls” drinks a glass of red wine and prances around to her voiceover. In her narrative the Dean admits to killing her husband and framing Feather, a plan she plotted for years. Here’s to young girls getting what they had coming to them. Then Zayday and Grace come home late at night under the watchful glare of the carefully coiffed Chanels above, four vengeful vultures.

Best thing about this episode is that it brings back the delightful sparkling glittery delight of Chanel No.2 but, unfortunately, she is still dead. On the other hand, the prospect of our killers being Chanel No. 1 and Chad remains a good possibility after the events of this episode. So, we’re sticking with them as out team of killers for now. The gorgeous pair are perfectly cast in those killer roles.

Katherine Recap