TV

[For The Jim Gaffigan Show‘s “Super Great Daddy Day” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

TVLand Summary:
Super Great Daddy Day. When Jim mixes up a drawing with a school application, he and Jeannie hope that no one notices.

Jim wants to have a special Super Great Daddy Day with the kids but it turns out that means eating a fudgsicle in bed alone with the door shut. Then Jeannie gives him a list of errands entailing a variety of kid item dropoffs: birth certificate to the priest, cupcakes to a teacher, and a school application to fancypants academy.

Working his way slowly into the realm of responsibility, Jim stops off at a cafe with barista Macaulay Culkin to help his buddy Dave get out of a girlfriend jam. Yes, that was Jim’s girlfriend at the club last night with Dave. Yes, he is married with tons of kids. Yes, his wife is an abusive drunk who beats him. Yes, that’s why his face is so puffy. An eavesdropper at the counter nearby tries not to be horrified and Jim puts her in her place. Yes, it IS actually none of her business.

Then Jim brings cupcakes to Janeane Garofalo, his son’s teacher, and she gives him a drawing from class. His son drew Jim’s penis and though he’s resistant to even taking it, Garofalo tells him to “display it with pride” at home. So, he dutifully tucks it into his jacket pocket. Afterward Gaffigan drops off his daughter’s elite school application with a doorman who saw him perform once at Gotham Comedy Club. The doorman tells Jim how his wife had been insulted at the show when Jim didn’t respond kindly to her heckling. Jim explains that heckling is frowned upon but the doorman insists it’s a prerequisite for comedy shows – like the two drink minimum.

Gaffigan drops off the birth certificate with the priest and then, happy he’s finished with Jeannie’s errands, Jim returns home to another fudgsicle. Then Jeannie figures out he actually gave the drawing of his penis to the school rather than their daughter’s application. It’s an all girls Catholic school… the most prestigious one in Manhattan. Jim’s penis won’t exactly fit right in.

So, Jeannie brings the application over to the school with the hope that the drawing somehow won’t be noticed or mentioned in their interview at the school the following day. At least they have the application now, she figures. The interview is cooking along well until the interviewer probes Jim’s declaration about loving paintings and he starts to spiral out of control rambling about how he prefers “the blurry ones”.

The interviewer mentions a perplexing extra tucked into the application, sending terror up Gaffigan spines, but it’s actually just the birth certificate Jim had accidentally dropped off. So, no biggie! Just the birth certificate! Yay! Then as they’re riding the peak of their relief wave, Jim gets worried when the assistant to the interviewer happens to be the horrified eavesdropper from the cafe earlier. But the interviewer tells them they’re golden and their daughter’s getting in. So, when they leave it’s totally high five time.

Just as they step out the school door the doorman’s wife is suddenly there at the school entrance – ready for vengeance – or at least an apology from Jim. It’s time for a beatdown, baby! A serious scramble of cursing and flailing arms ensues… Unfortunately, the Catholic school interviewer watches from a window above and her assistant now knows it’s time to tell her boss some real truths about why Jim’s face is so puffy.

This episode of #GaffiganShow was already the best ever at this point in the story. Major zingers landing every minute and hilarious hijinx crammed out the wazoo… but still more laughs await because remember there’s still the missing drawing of Jim’s member… where is Jim’s penis now? In the last scene of Super Great Daddy Day the Gaffigan family is at church where the priest raves about a drawing he received from parish member Jim Gaffigan. It meant a lot to him – such a touching and symbolic portrait that depicts a tiny tower at the the center of a brown wheat field. The priest loved the picture so much he made it the front cover of the church newsletter, to the horror of his teenage acolyte, starts handing it out to the parish – as Jim swiftly flees out the back doors of the church.

Super Great Daddy Day is packed with such tightly woven wisecracks, it definitely ranks as the best Jim Gaffigan Show yet. Every season TV shows select one episode to send to the Emmy committee and this would be Gaffigan’s perfect pick. There’s a fantastic one liner or gag every minute. This is a show that really satisfies, a classic in the making. Feel like laughing? Get this one on your DVR.

–Katherine Recap

[For True Detective‘s “Omega Station” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Omega Station Frank, Ray, and Ani weigh their options as Caspere’s killer and the scope of corruption are revealed.

Midway through this finale episode Frank Seymon says, “Everything’s ending. Time to wake up,” and you’d better if you want to keep up with the action, intrigue, and details that comprise this last ninety minutes of True Detective Season Two.

The finale opens on the after-sex-cigarette conversation in bed with Bezzerides and Velcoro. They share their deepest and darkest so we know it wasn’t just physical fun between them. No sirree. They’ve fallen into the well of longing together and somebody actually found love through the travails of True Detective.

Next we’re in a train station where Frank’s lecturing his wife on how they can’t work. No kid. No us, he explains. Jordan replies “Fuck your martyrdom,” she’s not giving up on them as a team. But our team might as well be the Mets, we’re never gonna win! OK, he doesn’t really say that but that’s the basic deal. Seymon says Nails will take care of her in Venezuela. Two weeks hiding out in South America, Frank explains, then he’ll be there with her. “Wear a white dress,” he instructs. She tells him to wear a white jacket. All this seems a bit odd since one can only assume they’ll recognize each other regardless of which matching Fantasy Island ensembles they wear… or maybe it means something more. This is True Detective, after all. Symbolism.

On to a shot of Woodrugh’s body with Lieutenant Burris standing over him and calling in the death to Velcoro even though he also happens to be the one that shot and killed Paul. Ray suddenly becomes psychic and intensely confrontational, saying he knows Burris was involved in the diamond theft. After Ray hangs up with Burris he tells Ani it was Burris that killed Woodrugh. Somebody must have slipped the ring power on his finger or a crystal ball up his butt because at this moment he also realizes that the photographer at the movie set was the little boy at the diamond theft. Thus they’ve found the pair of kids who lost their parents – Laura and Leonard.

Next thing we know, Ani and Ray find Laura handcuffed to a fireplace. She tells them she and her brother, Leonard, infiltrated the escort parties to get Tony Chessani and Ben Caspere back for the deaths of their parents. But then Len had gotten “carried away” when getting Caspere to talk and ended up killing him. Len handcuffed her there before heading out to kill Police Chief Holloway at the train station because Holloway was the main cop behind the diamond theft all those years ago. They get Laura’s testimony recorded and Bezzerides puts her on a bus to Seattle. Velcoro heads out to the train station and calls Frank to fill him in on the details.

Seymon throws down a duffle bag full of ammo and big guns onto a bed in the back room of the David Lynchean club. He tells the scar-faced hottie bartender he’s headed out of town and needs her help. Also, Velcoro and a woman are going to need safe passage to South America. She just nods knowingly, like ya do. Apparently Frank and Ray had helped her out over the years and she owes them both big time.

Ray goes to the train station and tells Leonard (who’s allegedly the blade AND the bullet) not to do it. Be the change you wanna see in the world, dude. Velcoro’s got a white cowboy hat on for subtlety’s sake during his pow wow with Chief Holloway on a bench in the middle of the station. The Chief’s like, who woulda thought you had a brain in your pretty head, Ray?

Then Leonard overhears Holloway say Laura was actually Caspere’s illegitimate daughter and this sharpens his furious blade. He leaps into action and stabs the Chief. Then Burris starts shooting from the wings and takes out Ray’s recorder – destroying it and any messages it may contain. But we’re not clear if it’s the one with messages to his son or the one with Laura’s testimony. It’s True Detective, so just pick whichever one seems more tragic to you at the moment. Meanwhile Bezzerides whisks Velcoro away just in time as the Chief shoots Leonard and a bunch of train station cops shoot and kill Holloway.

Bezzerides now listens to Frank’s lecture series on the importance of relationships in the bar’s back room full of beds, guns, and ammo. He asks her to talk to his wife in Venezuela. Then he convinces Velcoro to run away to Venezuela and says he’ll fund the trip. All Ray has to do is help him take down the Crystal Ranch money exchange – easy peasy. Then he tells Velcoro that Blake was the one who’d set up the wrong rapist guy Ray had killed all those years ago and that Frank himself took care of the guy, killing him in a not very nice way.

Bezzerides and Velcoro share a smoke on one of the back room beds and discuss the plan for running away to Venezuela. They hold hands which seems to be a sign that they’re going – Hope. Then it’s time for the Crystal Ranch showdown. Bezzerides finds Pitlor in his desk chair with wrists cut and sunglasses still on. Seymon and Velcoro take the bad guys by surprise, attacking the money exchange with gas masks and machine guns. Frank even gets to say a snarky farewell to Osip before killing him. It’s all so very tidy. Seymon and Ray collect the Crystal Ranch stacks of money and then have a parking lot goodbye chat – Velcoro’s white cowboy hat now noticeably absent. He calls Ani from the car, duffle bag full of money in tow and it’s Venezuela or bust, baby. Frank settles his deals with the diamond guy and the bakers. Everybody’s officially on the run now.

Ray take a last minute peak at his son through a playground fence and sees the special honorary badge in glass that says Velcoro sitting next to him at recess. He gives the kid a salute and leaves, proud. Returning to his car, Velcoro sees it’s wired with a transponder and there’s a black SUV nearby. Unable to remove the device, Ray drives away, knowing he’s being followed. Velcoro calls Bezzerides and tells her to take the files and recordings and go to Venezuela without him. So, now we know the recorder that got destroyed in the gunfight was the one with Ray’s messages to his son. Ray then tells the scar-faced bartender he’s not going to make it but to make sure Bezzerides gets on the boat.

He records a last message to his son on his phone but it refuses to upload, forever destroying our faith in technology to satisfy the need for human connection. Velcoro then abandons his car and the shitload of cash in the woods. He runs into the trees with machine gun-toting cops up his ass. Out of necessity, Ray ends up choosing a Butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid ending for himself and dies among the redwoods – police machine guns blazing. His father see a news report that he was a fugitive, killed by a heroic tactical squad. Sadness reigns… until his wife gets those paternity test results and it turns out the fat redheaded kid was actually his son all along with a 99.9% level of certainty.

Seymon gets carjacked then takes a ride with some unsavory types pointing guns at every pore of his skin. They take him to a showdown in the desert where he offers up a million dineros in return for a knife in the back. The bad guys leave him in the dust with a grave all dug and ready for his tall and lanky bod. He wrangles his way across an eternity of sand to nowhere with a wound the size of Guam dripping buckets. The ghost of his hateful father and high school bullies mock him until finally, at the end of Frank’s story, sweet Jordan in the white dress gives him the bad news – he’s dead.

In the aftermath we see Tony Chessani become the Mayor of Vinci. Woodrugh gets his very own memorial highway and Catalast Group sets up a high speed rail in Vinci. So, now we know that was the corporation’s goal in buying up all the worthless land. In the final scene Ani, still in Venezuela, tells the whole sordid Vinci story to a hottie reporter who can give the all the dirty deets to the Times. She’s been staying with Seymon’s wife, Nails, and a baby that must be Velcoro’s. They’re on the move now, maybe back to the States. Unfortunately, Ani and Ray’s child can’t grow up to be President… because their baby boy was born in Venezuela.

There’s a mixed bag of audience emotion to sort at the end of True Detective Season Two. On the bright side, it’s satisfying to have all the loose ends tied up – a lot of people died and we know how it all transpired… once we finish parsing out the excel spreadsheet of villainous names that start with the letter ‘C’. Another positive is the perfect episode title, “Omega Station”. It’s not easy to place a consummate cap on a show like that and they do it well here. But in the True Detective tradition of not sticking to silver linings too long, this season felt like a bouillon cube that had the potential to be a full blown bouillabaisse. Why not just make it ten fleshed-out episodes rather than this red wine reduction of eight crammed to the hilt? This season was brought to you by minute rice. Yes, it’s still technically rice and it can even be good with the right accompanying meal – but risotto tastes a hell of a lot better and it’s just a more pleasurable experience overall.

–Katherine Recap

[For Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll‘s “What You Like Is in the Limo” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
What You Like Is in the Limo The Heathens find out they are somehow still big in Belgium.

Johnny gets mistaken for Christopher Walken at a photo shoot so, “Do I really look seventy?” is all he can say or think about for awhile. But then Johnny gets distracted from his persona’s fossilization process when the band finds out they’re big in Belgium. It’s mainly because in Belgium they thought Johnny was dead… and now that they found out he’s alive they’re calling it The Second Coming. The band’s excited because Belgium has great pharmaceuticals not yet available in the US… and the best waffles.

Flash is still angry and wants to drop Johnny from the band. Aren’t we The Assassins now? And isn’t Gigi the lead singer? Ahhhh, but the Belgium offer is big bucks and they want Johnny at the microphone. There’s the rub. So, one more gig with Johnny as lead singer. It’s decided, manager and all.

In the surreal follow up scene Ava drinks red wine and twirls around the room voicing the unconscious expectations of the band – Johnny’s gonna screw it all up then Gigi will take the mic in hand, save the band, and become a huge star. Afterward Ava and Johnny chat while she’s wearing a distractingly perfect black bra and she pep talks him to the point that Johnny believes he can really pull it off this time – though he’s choked at every other big opportunity. Then Flash tells Gigi they need to cut Johnny loose because it’s all about making great music. But even though they call each other “Honey” and “Baby” now, Gigi doesn’t fall for it. She’s giving Daddy a chance in Belgium.

Their Belgium show sells out in seven hours and the band makes a hilarious game out of constructing the most ridiculous backstage rider in rock history – including celebrity look alike masseuses, a batman bong, a sixteen foot snake, and a catalogue of pills not yet FDA approved in the US. Gigi and the Flash try to talk sense, bringing up the concept of “priorities” ,,, but listing cool shit to have backstage is just the most fun so the rest of the band ignores them. This rider will live in infamy. Fist pump, baby!

Next Johnny takes the stage in Belgium but the drummer Bam Bam does an unapproved solo right at the start and throws him off his rockstar game. Then thanks to some of those non-FDA-approved Belgium pills, Johnny imagines an owl with red eyes diving for him, a teleprompter full of insults, and a coiled snake on stage. He makes a run for backstage and insists Gigi take over. She handles it like a pro and struts to the mic in a bodacious low cut number with cocksure swagger. Their IT girl blows the crowd away – like she always does. Gigi was born to be a rock star.

After the show in the limo their manager tells them the band’s already asked back for two gigs in Belgium next year. Flash, in bedazzled vinyl pants, fights (again) to cut Johnny out of the band. Goodbye Heathens, Hello Assassins! But Gigi take the reigns before this greeting/goodbye even lands. She renames the band Gigi and the Assassins. Johnny’s going to stay on as songwriter like she’s always said. Then Gigi’s even got a new rider in mind for next year’s Belgium gig and it includes bone teardrop Chopard earrings for her. The girl’s got it all figured out and says Johnny has to start seeing a shrink – in fact the whole band does because, “This band’s so dysfunctional, it makes Metallics look like the Jonas Brothers.”

So, next week we’ll see the latest machinations of Gigi as she gradually owns The Assassins. It’s becoming The Gigi show as she always handles rockstar adversity with such capable aplomb at the wheel – while Johnny is the Bugs Bunny, monkey wrench, Frivolous McGee in her sidecar. He keeps things interesting while she methodically conspires to rule the world with a pink bikini and killer voice as her greatest weapons. Gigi gets what Gigi wants. So, the big question becomes – what will she want next?

–Katherine Recap

[For The Jim Gaffigan Show‘s “In the Name of the Father” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

TVLand Summary:
In the Name of the Father. Jim and Jeannie agree to dine with Daniel and his father in order to act as buffers.

Jeannie’s best friend, Daniel enters Jim and Jeannie’s apartment with a still warm cronut for Jim. It may just be a plea to get Jim to go to dinner with Daniel’s Dad – where he’d make an awesome buffer. So, Gaffigan resists the temptation of the cronut – a mighty feat – and is even about to walk out in a self righteous huff …how-could-you-etc. But then Daniel mentions that the Dad dinner is at Smith and Wollensky’s and next thing you know Jim’s negotiating how many sides he can order at the meal. As many as he wants….

Gaffigan then meets his BFF, Dave at Katz’s, to discuss their next show. It’s set to happen right after the dinner with Daniel’s father. Dave’s nervous because his hyper critical mother will be there, a real treat for Jim who enjoys a healthy dose of schadenfreude now and then – being human and all. Meanwhile Jeannie expresses her concern that Daniel’s Dad always gets everyone tanked on scotch at these dinners and Jim can’t succumb this time with the standup show falling right afterward, “Just one beer,” Gaffigan promises.

Then it’s dinner and everything goes just as expected. Jim plays pleasant buffer and laughs uproariously with Daniel’s Dad while swiftly downing three scotches. After dinner Gaffigan orders four pieces of cake before asking the others, “And do any of you guys want dessert?” So, Jeannie’s already got her horrified wife pants on at the point when Daniel’s Father calls her Jim’s “designated downer.” She does what people do when they can’t beat ‘em and starts sucking down scotches.

By the time they get to Jim’s standup show with Dave everybody’s plastered and Jim, who was just introduced as “The King of Clean Comedy” takes a hard right into F bomb town even though Dave specifically asked him to stick to safe material with the boatload of little old ladies watching. But then it turns out Dave’s never-satisfied-mother and her friends thinks Dave did the best out of all the comics and that completely makes his day. Jim and Jeannie are too drunk to care. Daniel’s still safely in the buffer zone with Dad. Everybody’s a winner after dinner.

They go drinking and dancing at Sardis, where Dave picks up a Hot Old Lady, then ride a ferry past the Statue of Liberty. Everybody’s still having a smashing-smashed good time, Jeannie most of all even though she’s barfing over the side of the boat. “She’s been pregnant five times; throwing up is her second language,” Jim explains.

In the end things get slightly more serious when Daniel’s Father appears to have an actual heart attack after pretending a multitude of times for the sake of laughs. There’s Father/Son bonding at the hospital when Daniel’s Dad suggests maybe they’d connect more if there weren’t always so many people around every time he comes to town. Oh, SNAP, Daniel’s Father! You noticed.

Jim and Jeannie wake up the next morning still wearing night-before-clothes and on top of the covers. Their kids stand at the door shouting to wake them, “Who’s the strange man in the tub?” they wanna know. Turns out, it’s Dave curled up and still wearing a Statue of Liberty foam visor. He asks if anyone remembers his Hot Old Lady’s number. “I think she was seventy,” Jeannie says. It’s a perfect ending to this episode which is the first to focus more on peripheral characters than Jim and Jeannie. Yes, they’ve got the too-much-scotch story and are present at all the evening’s events but essentially this episode proves that The Jim Gaffigan show doesn’t just serve as spotlight on one man’s life. It’s a true NYC story where many characters matter and that keeps things interesting. In other words, this show’s got legs, baby!

–Katherine Recap

[For True Detective‘s “Black Maps and Hotel Rooms” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Black Maps and Hotel Rooms Ray, Ani, and Paul take precautionary measures to elude detection and untangle a dark mystery.

You may have noticed that the opening credits for True Detective this season change slightly in lyrics with each episode to give you teeny tiny hints. It was most evident at the onset of this second-to-last, ultra-episode when for the first time the credits don’t end with “Nevermind. Nevermind. Nevermind,” anymore but rather, “I was your kin. I was your kind,” …a tipoff that the bad guys are cops but you probably knew that already.

Woodrugh starts off the episode in a motel room looking through evidence as he ignores five calls from his fiancé and the gorgeous Vera, sleeping just feet away. In a nearby room Bezzerides straddles Velcoro and they’re about to satisfy our lustful curiosity when the drugs she had at the party take her down and out of the action. “You’re too far out of my league anyway,” he says before leaving. Awww shucks, Ray – hot, naughty, AND humble. Take off your pants already.

Back at Frank’s club he finally hears the name Osip again – this time Velcoro’s telling him Osip works with his guy Bates, that same guy who put Bezzerides on the bus. Seymon calls Bates into his office and breaks a glass full of booze across his cheek in a long slow motion shot – crystal shards dance in the air. Turns out this is THE guy. Not only was he working with Osip behind Frank’s back, he’s the guy that lied about the rapist of Velcoro’s wife all those years ago. Seymon’s just about to squeeze the last molecule of life out of him when Bates says he knows where there’s money – ostensibly for Frank to score. Osip will hand over $12 million in Caspere’s shares to Catalyst tomorrow night at Crystal Ranch. Blake offers to do a “triple cross” and be his man on the inside… right before Frank kills him.

Velcoro shows up for a parking lot meeting with Davis, the State’s Attorney, only to find her dead of a chest gunshot wound in the driver’s seat. “Have I got a score for you…,” he says before seeing her situation and bolting. Then the trio are back together talking, smoking, and drinking in the motel. Together they unwind the twisted mystery of Caspere’s murder and even the diamond robbery but who to report to now that Davis is dead? Does anybody actually give a crap about that stupid dead perv city manager guy anymore?

Seymon now has only his henchman, Nails, and his wife left that he can trust. So, he gets transferable tickets to Ecuador and “clean” passports. Frank still doesn’t know who killed Caspere but he makes a sweet deal with a diamond guy seemingly with a large supply ready to exchange. So, it appears Seymon may know where the diamonds from that robbery twenty three years ago might be. Then Osip confronts him at the casino and lays everything on the table with a slimy smile. Seymon pretends to go along but then evacuates the club and burns that shit to the ground. He lights up his other club and the watches the fire destroy every last bit of hope from a nearby rooftop. Burn baby burn. Frank’s carrying an awkward, obvious messenger bag in these scenes and it makes one wonder if he gets that confident swagger from a buttload of diamonds at his side.

Bezzerides and Velcoro think it out at the motel without Woodrugh now. They connect Caspere’s secretary, Laura to the escort party and then possibly link her to to the twenty three year old diamond robbery. Was she the little girl that watched her parents die execution style? It looks like it and if so she certainly doesn’t trust cops. Police were behind the diamond robbery and thus likely also woven through this whole shebang like a corrupt cop crazy quilt. It’s all coming together now and looks like maybe Ray and Ani will be doing the same thanks to Whiskey in plastic motel cups. She whispers that he’s not a bad man then Ray insists that yes, he is. Finally the pants come off.

Meanwhile Woodrugh gets multiple threat texts from a shady someone who has both pics of him kissing a dude AND awareness that his fiancé’s name is Emily. He puts Emily in another motel room for protection. Then faces off with his blackmailer in a badly lit warehouse. It becomes clear the blackmailer is another cop, the dirty kind. For a minute it appears Paul’s actually on the bad guy team and about to betray the trio. Then a special forces switch flips inside him and he kicks some major corrupt cop ass. Woodrugh extricates himself from several impossible, nailbiting situations to climb a ladder into the sky, run down a hallway, and leave the warehouse to feel the sunshine on his face. Unfortunately, right at this moment of freedom Paul gets shot in the back of the head. This time there’s no trick to it, though – two shots at close range and his pretty boy blood stains the cement. Woodrugh is dead. The trio is now officially a duo.

It’s just the two lovebirds against the world in next week’s finale. The real meaty questions aren’t about Caspere’s killer at this point. Who killed Woodrugh? Is Pitlor (Rick Springfield) still getting reconstructive plastic surgery from Velcoro’s beatdown or will he be in the finale? What’s Frank’s escape plan and are the fires his only revenge? The Crystal Ranch showdown is sure to involve a Raymond brand revenge beating for Paul’s killer and invariably Bezzerides will back him up – if not lead the charge herself, knives at the ready.

–Katherine Recap

[For Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll‘s “Lust For Life” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:

Lust For Life Johnny decides to stay dead for financial reasons.

Episode three kicks off with Johnny explaining to Gigi that nobody has ever really loved him. He says what happens is they actually just fall in love with the “idea” of him and then end up disappointed in the real deal. Soon after this de facto heart-to-heart, Johnny finds out the Internet is proclaiming he’s dead – choked on a chicken bone. Johnny tries to get over the fact that Rolling Stone hasn’t picked up the story when his manager suggests that maybe he’s best off deceased because the info that he’s dead has been boosting album sales. Johnny agrees as long as they can “come up with a cooler way to kill him.” Unfortunately, all the hippest deaths were taken by former rock stars. The band then fights over who gets to shoot him while getting increasingly excited about changing their name to The Assassins.

Johnny hears Gigi say, “You’ll be a rock n’ roll legend” and signs on for the brilliant plan, while Flash gets to fulfill his decades old dream of killing him. When the news of his repackaged shooting death hits the real media, ie blogs, Johnny’s girlfriend, Ava, gets flowers from hot rock stars. Then the news comes out that at some point in his career Johnny slept with Joan Jett. This infuriates Ava. She’s incensed because apparently when it happened Johnny didn’t even have the consideration to ask Joan if she wanted a threeway “she’s into girls, ya know.” Yeah, we knew that, Ava but we didn’t know how completely awesome you are – until now.

Johnny’s death doesn’t just boost sales for old Heathens albums it also serves as an “origin story for Gigi’s new band”. Buzz develops momentum thanks to her Twitter-posted pink bikini bod and she begins to develop name recognition. At the same time videos start rolling online of Johnny’s historically frequent “vomiting incidents” during shows. Subsequently, Gigi gets the jitters about her first big gig and tells Johnny a Brooklyn version of the Jonah and the whale bible story to explain how she’s his second chance at fame – a big responsibility for such a petite girl. Gigi hopes she didn’t inherit his fear of success making Johnny realize his kid is insightful and maybe he really does have a second chance now – thanks to her.

Joan Jett makes a sexy, funny rockstar guest appearance backstage at Gigi’s gig. She emasculates Johnny and encourages Gigi with the perfect advice all in one swift encounter. Then Johnny figures out that his death hoax, which essentially got Gigi’s band on the map, was orchestrated by the band’s manager to raise their Q score. But Johnny can see it’s working as an undeniable of-the-moment rock n’ roll coup, so he agrees to the Twitter handle @GigisDad along with the Tweet announcing that in fact, he’s actually alive.

The episode wraps with Gigi performing a song she and Johnny wrote together. She invigorates the room with sublime sex appeal and a thrilling voice – exquisite bliss for audience ears in the age of auto-tune. Joan Jett says what everyone’s already thinking, The girl’s gonna be a star. Johnny watches from the wings with a smile because this It Girl is his girl. When she sings their song it’s clear Johnny finally knows for sure that somebody loves the real him after all. He wipes away a tear and then the crowd starts chanting “Gigi, Gigi, Gigi….”

–Katherine Recap

[For The Jim Gaffigan Show‘s “A Night at the Plaza” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

TVLand Summary:
A Night at the Plaza Jim plans a romantic anniversary that includes a Broadway show and a hotel stay.

It’s wedding anniversary time and Jim even remembered this year. Sure it’s the day before and what he actually remembers is, in fact, a dentist appointment but in his defense those can be milestones too. Like the one when you find out you’re grinding at night… and not in the good way. Turns out Jim’s friend, Dave has a new girlfriend who works at the Plaza Hotel and Gaffigan gets the idea to score a tad cheaper room with this connection. Amazing anniversary gift! What could go wrong? Maybe Jim’s dentist won’t be the only one drilling this week after all.

Then Gaffigan decides to tack on a Broadway show just to make this occasion super special for Jeannie. It’s a banner year for wedded bliss! Especially given that last year they celebrated with a visit to Shake Shack. To save money on the Broadway show, Jim gets in line at the TKTS booth in Times Square. It’s a time-honored NYC tradition exclusively for those who love standing for hours among the riff raff with fantasies about Book of Mormon tickets while maintaining expectations of seeing something like Aladdin. A khaki-jacketed big fan offers Jim some tickets claiming he can’t use them anyway. At first Jim declines but then, impressed by the choice seats and show, he accepts the offer and insists on paying the guy for the tickets. Turns out a few minutes later when Jeannie takes a moment to really look at them, the tickets were for the day before when Jim was at the dentist… having a much better time.

But being TV main characters and all, they get over it like champs and decide to hit the Plaza early. Upon arrival Jeannie’s friend, Daniel is in their room romancing the mood with rose petals and champagne, like ya do. Then Jeannie realizes she left Jim’s gift back at the apartment and leaves to go get it. Daniel immediately spills chocolate on himself and has to strip down to fix the problem. Jim then accidentally pulls the door knob off while Daniel’s in the bathroom and hijinx ensue. Part of the shenanigans result from Gaffigan’s multitude of front desk requests: a bigger bathrobe, a burger and fries, someone to fix the stuck-on-a-porn-ad-TV, and maintenance to fix the doorknob. One by one the variety of service people attempt to fix the mayhem and, of course, nobody has change for a twenty.

Having Daniel stuck in the bathroom creates hilarious Three’s Company style tomfoolery. The silly misunderstandings escalate to eventually include Dave and his girlfriend Gigi as well as Gigi’s “real” boyfriend, a real bruiser. His Hulkean temper finally scares the returned-at-last-Jeannie and still-in-a-tiny-robe-Jim back to their apartment. That’s where the heart is, guys!

There’s a reference to Gaffigan’s classic Hot Pocket joke in the middle of all the antics and then right after on TVLand a real life Hot Pocket ad airs. Further evidence of the Trumptastic phenomena that any mention in the media that’s then followed by another mention is always good for business.

This episode delivers a classic comedy of errors with spot-on jokes, mistaken identities, and Jim in a miniature bathrobe that matches his skin tone. It’s over far too soon for the audience but perfect timing for Jim and Jeannie, who are happiest chillin’ on the homestead anyway. Although they don’t get to see their Broadway show or enjoy the fancy hotel room they invariably paid for anyway, Jim and Jeannie did develop a profound appreciation for the simple joy of being together. After all gratitude is life’s easiest ticket to joy… that and, for Jim, a Diet RC Cola to wash the burgers down.

–Katherine Recap

[For True Detective‘s “Church in Ruins” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Church in Ruins. Frank meets with Mexican drug dealers; Ani infiltrates an exclusive inner circle.

We open with Frank and Velcoro in a kitchen table standoff that’s more like a tense sit down whispering situation. Raymond says he sold his soul for nothing and Seymon’s a picture of alleged innocence, saying stuff that adds up to dude take responsibility for what you did. This leads Velcoro to cock his gun under the table but he doesn’t shoot, instead he changes the subject to the running of girls with Pitlor’s surgery as the party prep. Turns out Frank’s not surprised and happens to be looking for the same girl the State is, Irina. Then Seymon shows both his hands so he can get a much needed sip of his morning coffee and the showdown slackens until Raymond leaves on a mission to “see about killing a man”. Frank gets a faraway look as Velcoro leaves and asks, We’re still friends right?

Woodrugh investigates the $2.5 million in blue diamonds and finds out they were stolen at the Sable Fine Jeweler’s robbery in 1992 involving a double homicide where two young kids witnessed their parents’ murder. A grizzled veteran cop, surrounded by empty beer bottles, tells Woodrugh the story that clearly still haunts him.

Antigone practices her knife work while her sister tells her to dress like she’s worth $2,000 a night and warns her that it’s going to be rough after they take all her weapons at the door. Then she’ll be swarmed by guys who expect easy sex. Sounds like just another day at the office for Bezzerides… except for the no weapons thing. Her sister tries to pretend she’s never actually been to one of these parties but it’s evident she has and that it worries her for Ani to go. “It’s fuck or run,” she warns.

After a prison visit with his wife’s rapist in which he threatens to cheese grater the guy’s dick, Velcoro has a supervised visit with his son. A note-taking social worker sits just feet away from their tense chat about how stealth bombers kill people. Then Raymond tries talking to the social worker to ease the tension but she says to refrain from speaking with her, so they employ the universal hat trick for awkward couch interactions – they watch Friends. Afterward Raymond plays typical misbegotten Daddy and does numerous lines, whiskey shots, punches in the air and some head bangin’, then a few beers followed by requisite tears. Velcoro drunk dials the ex wife and says he’s given up and will resign all custody if only she will never tell her son about the rapist or check the paternity. “Never tell him and then I’ll stay away and won’t contest anything. I’ll never see him again.” When he finally says he’ll leave their lives forever she agrees to the deal. The shitty terrible horrible no good very bad deal.

Meanwhile Frank confronts a Mexican drug dealer to ask where he can find Irina. His minion shoots the guy with a bright blue nail gun but he doesn’t know anything until a few nails later when he does. “They gotta place – El Monte.” Now it’s time for Seymon’s Mexican standoff number two, this time with actual Mexicans. Frank offers his clubs as a place for them to sell drugs if they give up where the girl is. They say maybe they can get her to call him. “It’s a start,” he says, “but then we’ll need to meet face to face.” He does a call with her and she says a skinny white cop gave her $500 to sell the stuff from Caspere’s house at the pawn shop. So, Frank wants to show her pictures but then when they’re to meet her throat is slit and the drug dealer’s high beams spotlights Seymon’s disappointment. Can Frank ever catch a break? Magic eight ball says unlikely at this time.

The trio team have a meeting to tell Antigone they’ve got her back and then give her a transponder to stick somewhere. Hey guys, I know a good place! Velcoro deadpans “Like in your shoe…” and we sense their chemistry building. Next thing for Bezzerides, she’s getting on the bus with the name Athena, a wig, and a sexy long dress. Meanwhile at the escort party house, a Swiss Alps looking mansion, viagra-filled glasses serve as table centerpieces. Velcoro and Woodrugh throw down a driveway security guard in a scene reminiscent of the Lion and Tin Man overtaking guards outside the Wicked Witch of the West’s castle.

The party people give Bezzerides a drug (like pure Molly – pretty great) at party onset so everything gets out of focus pronto. Still, she sneaks a knife from the meat platter before a creepy southern fat guy leads her around an orgy of sex scenes. So for all you peeps who miss Season One’s litany of naked ladies doing dirty deeds, this is the episode for you. Because of the drug, Antigone has some rancid flashbacks about a creepy cult guy from her childhood who took her into a van. She finds a toilet and makes herself vomit up the MDMA, finds Vera, and then kills at least one, maybe two guys, before escaping with Vera. “My missing person” she explains to Woodrugh in the driveway. That would have been a perfect title for this episode – My Missing Person… and not just because it’s unclear what the actual episode title means or references. No churches were ruined in this episode. Lots of people are missing, though, even among the apparently found.

While skulking outside the escort party Velcoro and Woodrugh overhear a slimy tuxedoed convo between Osip (Seymon’s lost business partner from episode one) and Jacob, who also made deals with Seymon. They’re ratifying alliances in a back library. The detectives then sneak inside to score contracts about the land deals with the fancypants perpetrators signatures all over them. This is primo evidence gathering and the episode concludes with this victory proclaimed as Woodrugh flips through the contracts in the getaway car with Bezzerides and Vera. Antigone says she killed someone and cries as they drive off full speed into the moonlight.

With only two episodes left my list of suspects for Caspere’s killer isn’t just short, it also seems pretty much beside the point. It matters to the main four characters, sure, but not as much as what they really want. Seymon really just wants his money back from the now dead Caspere deal. Velcoro’s main drive is to be the Dad-of-record. Woodrugh just wants to be a straight arrow and back on his bike. The real seeker of bad guys here is Bezzerides, who wants to get all stabby on them to save the day. And I, for one, want to see her do it.

–Katherine Recap

[For Sex&Drugs&Rock&Roll‘s “Clean Rockin’ Daddy” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

FX Summary:
Clean Rockin’ Daddy.The band wants Johnny to write songs again but doesn’t want him using drugs and alcohol.

The first scene of the second episode opens with Johnny signing a contract for an awesome loft and dream job as a songwriter. The band’s manager – that lawyer from Ally McBeal who was obsessed with waddles – explains the terms. All he has to do is write five songs in two months. Flash already signed it and the deal’s a win-win. He signs it.

Next thing we know Gigi and Flash find Johnny in the studio waking up from a bender behind some drums. He got blasted the night before and wrote an awesome song. Everyone agrees. They rock it out and love it. But then the fact that he was high when he wrote it is apparently against the rules on this merry go around. Their manager insists Johnny has to stay clean while he writes songs under the contract he just signed. They all insist his health is the most important thing. When he asks them to name a great band or rock star that doesn’t get high they say Coldplay, Morrisey, Radiohead. Johnny says he rests his case.

“Every time I listen to a song by Radiohead I feel like I’m failing the SATs all over again.”

Despite Johnny’s numerous protestations that all the greatest songs are written under the influence, he eventually agrees to give it a shot. The drummer, Bam, is determined to help Johnny with a resolute sincerity, breathing exercises, and gluten free tater tots. He advises Johnny to “Breathe. Flow. Engage.” But Johnny really isn’t into that Sting record. Meanwhile the bass player may be named Rehab but he’s got a duffle bag full of pills that “help him stay clean and sober.” Those are the best kind, Rehab. We get it. Not only does Rehab have lots of Adderall, he’s got a gut bursting with rage and 29 songs about the Irish potato famine for Johnny to consider adding to the new album. Johnny’s willing to listen if it means he gets to finger those pills. Luckily he gets some in his system because the songs sound like the old days when people used to play records backward searching for secret satan messages.

Johnny’s pill-filled bloodstream helps with his fifteenth Flash convo about not sleeping with his daughter, a fun mocking parody of Morrisey/Radiohead pleading for the world to not eat meat, and a Gigi confrontation when Johnny explains that he’s not an addict but an artist and the drugs ease his expression. She doesn’t fall for it and confiscates the rest of his pills. Now Johnny’s officially down to a cup of coffee and slow sunset as inspiration for his next song… a falsetto whine about mining sinner’s gold that sounds like something “Sting would write living inside Sarah Maclaughlin’s vagina.”

After the band and their manager listen they’re immediately off to get him whiskey, weed, vodka, and Darvon so Johnny can get high and write a decent song. But no more blow, Gigi insists. She gets the best lines. But Johnny gets his way, so he wins this one.

–Katherine Recap

[For The Jim Gaffigan Show‘s “Red Velvet If You Please” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

TVLand Summary:
Red Velvet If You Please. Jim tries to stop eating junk food; Dave is hung over and shows up at a kid’s birthday party.

Jim returns from a Las Vegas work trip to Jeannie’s psychic abilities spinning in high gear. He walks in the door and she dispatches the kid cadre to the bedroom. Apparently he reeks of guilty wrongdoing, though Gaffigan appears to be regular sweet Jim to our unknowing audience eye.

Gaffigan sits with her on the couch and unwinds his tawdry tale of Las Vegas debauchery. Was he drinking? Jim says of course not but we see the flashback and Miller Lite was downed in abundance. Perhaps he’s just ashamed of drinking a beer that tastes like watered down backwash… but either way – he lies. We gotta forgive him right away, though, because it couldn’t have been that pleasant anyway.

Jim then explains to Jeannie how he turned to the Bible – Book of Job, specifically, to relieve his insomnia. Though his bible study actually turned out to be video gaming on the hotel TV, I think we can all understand how they’re essentially the same thing.

It’s at this moment when temptation literally knocks on the door. We hear a sexy lilt of music and there’s an entire red velvet cake set before him in the hallway without a person in sight. Jim tells Jeannie there was a waiter who explained that the cake was a gift from a group of nuns who saw his show and thought he seemed Christ-like. His initial rejection of the cake is true. At first he shuts the door to place a whistful cheek against it in Red Velvet longing. But we all know this is only to make the cake taste better later. You gotta play hard to get first.

Jim tells Jeannie how he ate half of it… slept off the hard work with the rest of the cake back out in the hall, then ate the rest in the morning. “Red Velvet is my Kryptonite,” he defends.

“Yeah, but you’re not Superman!” Jeannie points out in a telltale moment of family sanity. This leads to a hilarious tirade of rationalization jokes with a shout out to Big Gay Ice Cream, making any New Yorker’s heart melt for Jim. But then Jeannie brings it all down to earth when she reminds him he has a baby daughter and doesn’t he want to be at her wedding?

“Sure but will there be cake there?”

Then Daniel (Michael Ian Black), their real estate broker comes over and it becomes evident he’s actually more Jeannie’s BFF than their broker. When he leaves Jeannie gives Jim the delightful Saturday morning choice between taking four kids to swimming lessons at 8:30 AM or his daughter to a Central Park birthday party at eight AM. She suggests that maybe he should do the lessons since there will likely be cake at the party. Challenge accepted, Jeannie!

Leaving for the party his hungover friend, Dave pleads to tag along desiring to see the “yummy mummies” that might be there and because this is a TV show, he’s not disappointed – they’re all hotties, even the hugely pregnant one. This leads to that awkward mistaken-for-homeless problem for Dave, a dire predicament faced by many a NYC hipster after a bender. On the plus side, he does score some extra cash.

But Jim doesn’t notice Dave’s predicament because there’s a much more enticing party attendee, a red velvet cake – Jim’s Jezebel. He avoids her by crashing another party where for some reason they have a full spread of delicious dinners laid out at eight in the morning. But Jim’s distracted when he spies some kids messing with his velvet lady love, trailing grubby fingers in her perfect icing. He saves the day and smooths her out, like lovers do. But his lick of the knife registers Jim’s fatal flaw. There’s gonna be a showdown in cake town. Later the birthday girl notices her cake’s vandalization and Jim gets fingered as the Spartacus of icing, he’s got it in his beard, and the day is done.

When Gaffigan gets home Jeannie confronts him again. She got a call about his morning park antics. The confession couch makes Jim admit he’s got a real problem. He admits all. He ate the whole Las Vegas cake in one sitting for one. But it gets worse… Jim’s airport tale of overeating woe is so horrifying you may laugh until you wet your pants. I nearly did.

So, we have two things to thank Jim Gaffigan for tonight; introducing us to a channel with a serious identity crisis TVLand/Nick at Night… or is it just Nick? Hey guys, picking a name is the easiest part of having a TV channel! And more importantly, he made us laugh and – given the torrential tirade of fast food ads running with this show… we could all use that ab workout.

–Katherine Recap