[For Scream Queens‘ “Beware of Young Girls” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]
FOX Summary:
Beware of Young Girls The Kappas use a Ouija board in hopes of communicating with Chanel No. 2 and identifying the killer.
Scream Queens episode seven opens on Chanel No.2’s funeral with a bubble gum pink casket, a ferocious Chanel No. 1 and all the beautiful sadness a silly satire can muster. In order to quell the flummoxed Chanel no. 1, the Chanels decide to contact Number 2 so she can say she’s sorry and quiet the shrieks of No. 1. They play Ouija board and it totally tells them so many things they can hardly believe it. The board spills the beans on all kinds of dirt especially about Chad cheating on Chanel No. 1 even now after he promised to be monogamous.
In the next scene Gigi yells at someone on the phone that “We’re murderers! We’re vengeful killers not just kidnappers.” Then Wes comes home to her and she has to get off the phone… so it wasn’t him on the phone. In other words, he’s not the killer. Then we see Grace shopping with Gigi to help her pick out clothes so she’ll no longer dress like a member of the Beverly Hills 90210 cast. Grace’s real goal, though is to get intel on her Dad from his current girlfriend. She fails on that count, seeing as how Gigi lack the sanity to have any insight into Wes, but does get other info.
During their talk Gigi drops hints about a previous student, Feather, who clearly has a vendetta against Dean Munsch. Feather McCarthy, played by the incomparable pixie, Tavi Gevinson dressed like a member of Wharhol’s factory. She had an affair with Dean Munsch’s husband when he was her Beatles professor at the university. They fell in love, so he left the Dean for Feather and they got married. The Dean didn’t take it well. She started dressing just like Feather and stalked her until she eventually got kicked out of school and had to finish her education online. Someone even tried to kill Feather in the bathtub during this time with a transistor radio, just like how the Dean before Munsch was murdered… interesting. After Feather tells Grace and Puppydog Pete this story she returns home to find her husband decapitated – head aglow in her fish tank.
Meanwhile Chanel No. 1 confronts Chad about the Ouija board revelations, who happens to be wearing a baby blue silk robe. He says he does have a confession but it’s not that he’s cheating, it’s that he’s lactose intolerant and rubs his goat’s belly regularly to get some lactose-free high protein refreshment. The ghost obviously mistook his goat for some girl action. Then Detective Chisolm accuses the Dean of killing her ex husband at the very least and maybe even the Red Devil killer too. He says, “Like um, I’m sorry but uh, like you’re like kinda under arrest. Seriously.” They take her off to a mental hospital for the criminally insane in a straight jacket. In the next scene Grace and Pete smooch when she gets a call from Dean Munsch saying Grace has to come see her at the insane asylum. So, she brings her puppy Pete along and visits Munsch the next morning. The Dean seems content at the asylum, sketching in crayon and claiming it was Feather who killed her ex husband and maybe all the other killings too. Dean says you can’t trust a girl like Feather who has a full bush between her legs. She’s obviously hiding something… During the conversation the Dean rejects an asylum sandwich because she’s allergic to the sulfites in deli meats.
Then Grace and Pete look at the evidence file from Detective Chisolm and there was a bologna sandwich at the crime scene of her ex husband’s death, obviously consumed by the killer. They surmise that therefore she can’t have been the killer. Then we’re back to a new Ouija conversation between the Chanels and No. 2. They ask a bunch of questions that only a real ghost would know, like how many tampons are in Hester’s purse – 9, and what cereal No 3 choked on as a kid – Kix. Then they ask who’s killing everybody and ghost of Chanel No. 2 says No. 1 is the killer. This scares all the other Chanels and they run away from a fuming No. 1. They attempt to plan her death but their ideas are far too dim to ever succeed. Nevertheless, they vow to keep trying and murder her that very night.
Chanel No. 2 shows up at the end of sleeping Chanel No. 1’s bed to apologize – visiting from hell. Turns out the other hellions told her the only way she could get to heaven would be to make things right with Chanel No. 1. So, here she is, apologizing. No. 1 accepts her apology and then No 2. tells her the other Chanels are coming to murder her but she needs to be the bigger person – be a leader. Chanel wakes up then, it was all a dream. Or was it?
Grace and Pete then go to Feather’s place and take her toothbrush so the detectives can compare the DNA to the half eaten sandwich found at her husband’s murder scene. It’s a match! She’s the killer! Chisolm says that they don’t exactly have a motive for Feather to have done all the other killings on campus but they’re certainly working on it. They lock away that little pixie and throw away the key. Then Grace confronts Dean Munsch about the connection between Feather and all these other killings and asks her what happened to that baby from the Kappa bathtub murder. Munsch says she’ll tell Grace as soon as she comes to the Dean’s office for an official talk. She’s extraordinarily adept at stalling, that Dean.
Chanel No. 1 then confronts the Chanels about how they’re planning to kill her. She says kinda gets it though and she’s willing to let bygones be whatever and hands out gifts – Nancy Drew pink hats and giant magnifying glasses. They’re going to team up and find the real killers dressed as the cutest detectives this campus has ever seen. There’s no way Feather could have done all this murderous campus wreckage on her own and she’s obviously being framed. “Do I make myself clear, you whores?” she asks. They all nod their perfectly docile heads.
In the final scene Dean Munsch twirls to the song “Beware of Young Girls” drinks a glass of red wine and prances around to her voiceover. In her narrative the Dean admits to killing her husband and framing Feather, a plan she plotted for years. Here’s to young girls getting what they had coming to them. Then Zayday and Grace come home late at night under the watchful glare of the carefully coiffed Chanels above, four vengeful vultures.
Best thing about this episode is that it brings back the delightful sparkling glittery delight of Chanel No.2 but, unfortunately, she is still dead. On the other hand, the prospect of our killers being Chanel No. 1 and Chad remains a good possibility after the events of this episode. So, we’re sticking with them as out team of killers for now. The gorgeous pair are perfectly cast in those killer roles.
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