There are two different experiences, both called “Big Brother”.

One is the television show Big Brother, as the CBS producers present it to broadcast tv audiences, three times per week. But the other is what is actually going on in the Big Brother house; the experience of the house guests, unfiltered — or at least less filtered — by television editors.

Fetchland presents Ruining Big Brother. It’s less “spoiling” Big Brother and more pulling back the curtain, to ruin our collective illusions about reality television. Enjoy! Or better yet, recoil in horror…

Welcome to Fetchland’s last “pure TV show” Big Brother post of the summer. It’s gonna be mostly feeds onward from here with a few TV bits sprinkled in purely for information sake. This is all about RUIN and the TV show only helps Fetchland as contrast for that purpose. But for now we still don’t have feeds, so, tune in tomorrow, June 25th, for loads of ruinous feed up-to-the-moment info. Meanwhile, the second episode of the “Premiere” opens as the Freakazoids freak out because they have to battle each other to decide the first evicted houseguest of the season.

In the next room a relieved Da’vonne comforts weeping Tiffany. It’s hilarious how Da’vonne recounts that Tiffany confessed “what she already knows” and then they bond. They laugh together over how Tiffany vowed not to be too emotional and is already breaking down on day two. Then Da’vonne tells Tiff she has to fight and it’s just the right amount of pep talk she needs. Meanwhile Paul gives the rest of the Freakazoids a lecture series about how they really must get rid of Nicole because she’s a veteran and he’s Mr. Bossypants McGee. Corey doesn’t seem so sure and who can blame him? Nicole is cute and sweet and… not at all Paul.

Then Da’vonne, Frank, and James have a pow wow about how they have to stick together while Nicole and Corey have an alliance chat about the first HOH in the storage room. She connives him into “having the idea” of handing her the first HOH. HOH is an ultra important element of Big Brother. Every week the houseguests compete for the title. The previous week’s HOH can’t compete in this and thus have to sit out. But the rest all fight hard because the HOH nominates two houseguests who will go up for eviction that week. During each week there’s also a Veto competition and the two nominees fight in it along with three other players and the HOH. Whomever wins can take one of the nominees off the block, including themselves if they’re not on the nomination block and is they do use the Veto to pull someone off the block they are then safe from nomination. After this Veto ceremony there’s a new nomination in which the HOH picks another houseguest to replace the vetoed one. So, HOH is a powerful position and notorious for “going to a Houseguest’s head” as if they forget it’s only for one week and suddenly believe they are King of BB house. Nicole knows all this and she’s definitely playing the game this season.. and, a lady who’s well-known for her fluffy hairstyle confections, she’s got even better blonde popover action this season too.

Now it’s competition time and the Freakazoids are each stranded on a tiny wobbly island with a palm tree and coconuts. Because balance is a critical factor, the ladies have an intrinsic advantage in this challenge. Glenn’s playing slow motion style while Nicole kicks ass and wins quickly, thus guaranteeing her safety. Tiffany struggles against the coconut conspiracy until finally getting second place safety. So, it’s down to Glenn and Corey with a “photo finish” between the two. The winner is Corey but only by a tiny fraction of a second. Thus Glenn is the first eviction. Now the leftover three Freakazoids need to choose an HOH and, through Nicole’s subtle machinations, end up giving it to her – just how she wanted it. The newbies are henceforth pissed, especially Mr. Bossypants Mcgee, Paul. Looks like furious fireworks will fly after the goodbye hugs for Glenn, who will be forgotten the minute the door swooshes shut upon his exit.

Back in the house, Paul gives Corey the WTF hairy eyeball and yellorama in the storage room while Corey just gets all squirmy and inarticulate in response. Victor talks to Nicole and he’s looking Kaysar-style dreamy while telling her Jozea is coming after the veterans, “handing her a nominee on a silver platter” as Nicole later says in the diary room. Then James pranks Nicole while she’s in the shower, pretending to be Victor and telling her that all the newbies are coming after her… but he soon admits to just being a sillyhead.

Then team Big Sister gets their Have-Not situation explained with slop for their meals and a bumper car/circus bedroom. Their beds are bumper cars and crazy colorful lights that will flash all hours. It’s odd that we don’t find out the Mysteryland punishment that team Category4 earned in the Rocket competition but BB often has trouble covering it all within the TV show, which isn’t really their fault. There’s so much going on! This is why the feeds are so much fun and helpful for BB fans. They fill in all the information gaps while giving us a window into the everyday cage-matches within the Big Brother house.

In the first awesome hammock convo of the season Jozea calls himself the “messiah of the newbies” to the inwardly outraged but outwardly nodding Da’vonne. She’s taking note of all his BS and then relates it in the funniest diary room session yet. Lady Day also tells Nicole all this dirt, thus reinforcing her HOH decision to put Jozea up for eviction. It’s all just so frigging easy for Nicole thus far. She tells Corey she’s going to put Jozea up and then Paulie next to him only because “Paulie will definitely fight to win the veto and ensure that Jozea goes home”. So, she won’t have the infamous “blood on her hands” we’re always hearing about in the BB house. Is this a Shakespearean tragedy or a network reality show? Hard to tell sometimes.

Nicole then tries to convince Paulie it’s a good idea for him to go up as a pawn and he points out that the worst case scenario often happens and pawns go home. Going “up as a pawn” is when an HOH wants one particular player to be evicted so they put an ally up and try to get the house on board with votes all evicting the houseguest they prefer. It often backfires and is a controversial, but common, BB tactic. Nicole has to admit Paulie’s right and pawns do often go home regardless of the HOH’s wishes but then she puts him up on the block anyway. The nominations ceremony is another element of BB that isn’t shown on the feeds, so we see it here on the TV show when Nicole puts up Paulie next to Jozea. The funniest line of this Premiere2 episode lies in Nicole’s “explanation” behind her nominations when she claims that it was “so hard because there just weren’t many to choose from,” in a completely full house. Haha. We love you, Nicole but that excuse would only work during ANY other week this summer.

Stay tuned to Fetchland.com for BB18 daily updates on feeds drama and fun along with our twitter feed @RuiningBB18 for tiny cheerful rants and lots of screencaps all day and night throughout our infinite summer of 2016 Ruining Big Brother.

– KatherineRecap

There are two different experiences, both called “Big Brother”.

One is the television show Big Brother, as the CBS producers present it to broadcast tv audiences, three times per week. But the other is what is actually going on in the Big Brother house; the experience of the house guests, unfiltered — or at least less filtered — by television editors.

Fetchland presents Ruining Big Brother. It’s less “spoiling” Big Brother and more pulling back the curtain, to ruin our collective illusions about reality television. Enjoy! Or better yet, recoil in horror…

Unfortunately, we can’t ruin anything for you quite yet because the live feeds of what’s “really” going on in the Big Brother house won’t start until Thursday night after the end of the two initial “Premiere Episodes”. So, for now we’ll just introduce the basics and get you up to speed before we hit the “reality” raceway. During the season we’ll reference the TV show quite a bit, especially when it comes to competitions. BB holds tons of comps and they NEVER show them on the feeds so “feedsters” have to play Sherlock and deduce what happened from all the post-competition convos and drama. Lucky for us, there’s mucho drama in the house so it’s usually pretty easy to figure it all out pronto. Another aspect of Big Brother that’s never on the feeds is the “diary room sessions” and they’re crucial to understanding the inner workings of individual characters. Some characters give good diary room and they tend to be either the more emotional brand of houseguest or just flat-out diabolical – like Evel Dick (Dick Donato). We already have a great example this season with Da’vonne, who gives amazeballs diary room because she’s not only hardcore emotional but also incredibly funny and articulate. We know a lot of BB fans aren’t into Da’vonne but we’re not ashamed of our adoration. Fetchland is for lovers, not haters and we can find something nice to say about ANYBODY. That may sound easy, but if so you’re probably not a fan of Big Brother – yet.

BB18 begins with our fav ChenBot, Julie, delightfully perfect in a lipstick red evening gown for premiere night. Right away she tells us there are four secret stowaways tucked away in the house. This is the first of three “twists” to be revealed tonight. BB is all about twists, expecting the unexpected, and messing with houseguest heads. In the immortalized words of Chenbot: But first, let’s meet our sixteen characters for this all-grown-up-at-18-years-old Big Brother. 

There’s a funny configuration of crushes as everyone introduces themselves. Victor falls hardcore for Natalie right away. Zakiyah swoons for Paulie. Natalie ogles Corey. And Corey has got his eye on Victor for what he calls a “bromance”. Paul is attracted to Zakiyah – which makes total sense because she’s incredibly gorgeous. Meanwhile the non-romantic types have their own inner workings. Bronte plays at being diabolical with her pretending to be in childcare scheme… she’s actually a mathematician. Big whoop. Michelle immediately knows Tiffany is Vanessa’s sister and later confronts her about it for a “shared secret session” on the couch. The initial twelve immediately notice that they’re short some fellow travelers on this vacation-themed season of BB. Julie tells them about the first twist while they’re still sipping celebratory champagne. Who and where are the four stowaways? It’s about to get a bit more crowded on this good ship to crazytown.

Because the theme of this season is vacations and world travel, the stowaways are hidden inside colorful trunks. The beloved character, Nicole, from season 16 is the first to pop out of a trunk. Then out comes James, a prankster from season 17. He was America’s favorite last season. Next we have Da’vonne who was also from Season 17 but considerably less liked by America and voted out the second week – so less liked, period. Finally, Frank, from BB 14, pops out of the last trunk, another America’s favorite. These so-called veterans team up right away to try to protect themselves and it makes sense because the newbie houseguests are all pretending to be thrilled while surreptitiously shooting eyeball daggers at them.

For some reason Paulie chooses this moment to confess that his brother is Cody, from Big Brother’s Season 16, which puts Tiffany in a tough spot. We know already that Da’vonne and Michelle are already certain Tiffany is Vanessa’s sister and this will only stoke suspicious fire in the minds of houseguests to be looking for such resemblances in each other now. It’s rare for BB to only put one of a kind in the house. They almost always put at least two of a twist into the game just to rile things up. Later in the episode Michelle will face-to-face ask her if she’s Vanessa’s sister and Tiffany tells her it’s true but they lock it in the secret vault for now. We’ll see how that flies. Da’vonne, on the other hand, tells us she knows in the diary room and says nothing to Tiffany about it. An argument could be made for either move. Michelle now has a bit of an advantage over Tiffany but Da’vonne’s also smart to play her card close to the vest this early in the game. Thing is, if Michelle went up on the block for eviction right away Tiffany would have a good reason to get rid of her at this point and would likely vote her out.

Next Julie tells the house the second twist: they’ll play the game this summer in teams of four. Everyone will have a chance to take part in choosing their teams. A few seconds after this announcement Da’vonne starts weeping because I’m here to play for myself and my daughter. This isn’t fair, etc. Let it all out Da’vonne. It just makes us love you more to see your big heart breaking over this twist that affects every single houseguest equally. After all, everybody’s got their sad story and a reason to be on Big Brother. In fact, Glenn’s also there to play for his daughter. But the difference is, the houseguests and America know all about Da’vonne’s agony because she flies her feelings flag high in the sky.

Now on to team picking. The first competition begins and it’s time to get the teams together to finally play the game for real. Julie explains that each veteran will be on a different team and make the first pick for their team. Then each selected houseguest will pick the next member of the team and so on. Rule is that you have to pick someone of the opposite sex. Frank picks Michelle, Da’vonne picks Paul, James picks Natalie, Nicole picks Corey, Corey picks Tiffany, Natalie picks Victor (he’s ecstatic about this – kismet), Paul picks Zakiyah, Michelle picks Paulie, Paulie picks Bridgette, Zakiyah picks Jozea. Then as a matter of course, Bronte goes to team James and Glenn goes to team Nicole.

The competition ensues: Ride the Rocket everyone climbs onto a rocket and holds on until all four members fall off. The order of falling off determines their destination – first team to fall off become have-nots, 2nd team gets a mystery punishment, third team gets a ten thousand dollar prize to split four ways, and the last team still holding onto the rocket gets safety from eviction for the next two evictions. The first eviction will take place before this two night premiere is over – so likely it will be the end of Thursday night’s episode. For those of you not familiar with Big Brother, being a “have-not” is hell. You can only eat slop, a tasteless form of protein shake/oatmeal, along with condiments. That’s it. Houseguests tend to lose weight and be a-holes while they’re have-nots. Sometimes it also involves sleep deprivation and other elements of torture like “sleeping” in a freezing cold room on the floor with no blanket or bed. Fun stuff like that.

Victor ends up winning the Ride the Rocket competition for his team so that they no longer have to compete for the next rounds leading up to the inevitable first eviction. Yay! Celebration time! After which, it’s time for all the teams to name themselves. Big Brother is notorious for hilarious team names through the years and BB18 is no exception. They come up with some doozies, even with full knowledge that this is what they’ll have to live with for the rest of the summer. James’s team spends a full hour brainstorming with deadpan faces and brains on tilt but STILL end up sounding utterly ridiculous.

For their next competition there are three rounds with the last place team at the end forced to play each other individually so that the single loser of that round has to go home. In a way it’s kind of cool not to have to vote the first houseguest out. They just lose and go home. You know, like a loser does. There’s some fun drama during the competitions. Corey’s playin coach, Da’vonne’s flippin out that Paul keeps talkin, and meanwhile Category4 just keeps dropping their game pieces and then rebuilding them in silence until they finally win it and are the next safe team. After that round of competition failure, Corey and Nicole have a heart-to-heart in the storage room that looks like it could lead to romance down the road or at least maybe a two-person alliance. Fingers crossed! Da’vonne, meanwhile cries her eyes out because it’s so hard. It’s so hard. We hear ya, Da’vonne. Loud and clear.

In the second round Da’vonne continues her trend of overreacting to Paul while the Freakazoid team play snail-style and take a half hour to do basically nothing. When the Freakazoids finally get some balls and make a move they lose their shit completely at the final second. Then the same kinda thing happens to team Big Sister but instead of losing it, they adjust quickly, keep trying, and go on to win the competition. Thus, Nicole’s team, the Freakazoids, have to battle each other Thursday night and the loser of that last competition will go home. So, on eviction night, it’ll be Corey, Nicole, Tiffany, and Glenn all against each other.

At the end of the first premiere night, Julie reminds us that Thursday night one of the houseguests will be evicted. Also, we’ll find out the first Head of Household and who the two houseguests on the chopping block for the eviction. Then she adds that Sunday night a new Big Brother competition will give one player unprecedented power to change the game. It’s all music to our ears, Julie. We can’t wait and have never been more ready for a summer of silliness and shenanigans. Sure, lots of people like to get all serious about Big Brother and call it a microcosm of our society etc. Analyze away, bros. But the truth is that BB’s really just about pure fun and entertainment… unless, of course, you’re in the house.

– KatherineRecap