[For Game of Thrones “Battle of the Bastards” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Battle of the Bastards. Latest episode of the hit series.

Did you read BDM’s recap of “No One” from last week? I loved it and decided to steal the format for the extended epic battle that was “Battle of the Bastards.” In that vein…

My Top 8 Favorite quotes from “Battle of the Bastards”:

I.
“Thank you for the armada; our queen does love ships.”
-Tyrion

When we left Meereen last week it was under nautical siege by the combined Masters of the other Slaver’s Bay cities. Grey Worm dictated that our heroes hole up in the Great Pyramid (the only place he and his Unsullied could reasonably defend)… And then mommy came home.

The Mother of Dragons appeared and all of a sudden there was hope for the lone “Free City” of Slaver’s Bay.

Tyrion asks Dany what her plan is, and she has one:

I will crucify the masters. I will set their fleets afire, kill every one of their soldiers, and return their cities to the dirt. That is my plan.

Tyrion, who Dany keeps around for his wisdom, cautions her against the kind of behavior we might more closely associate with her father; he presents a different strategy. Dany’s court at Meereen parlays with the assembled Masters, who think she is there to discuss terms of her surrender… When in fact it is to be theirs.

Dany sends her dragons — led by a now-enormous Drogon — against the Masters’ armada. Personally, I thought they were going to burn the whole thing into Slaver’s Bay, but they just really, really incinerated one of the ships; prompting Tyrion’s quote. So while Dany lost her ships a few episodes ago, she ended up way, way up on ships by the end of “Battle of the Bastards”.

II.
“You’re going to die tomorrow Lord Bolton. Sleep well.”
-Sansa

Don’t forget that Sansa might call herself a Stark now, but she is a Bolton by marriage (and was previously a Lannister, also by marriage). And you know what they say about Lannisters and debts…

III.
“Did you really think that cunt would fight you man to man?”
-Tormund

Prior to the Second Battle of Winterfell (the eponymous “Battle of the Bastards”, as Jon and Ramsay are both Snows) there is a parlay. Jon suggests that they can save a lot of bloodshed if Ramsay just fights him man to man. Ramsay, of course knowing Jon’s reputation as a master swordsman, declines; he has an army twice the size of the assembled Stark forces.

Jon gets a mental game jab in — a kind of “you have the numbers but how hard will your men fight for you when they find out you wouldn’t fight for them” … But hey, math.

IV.
“Rickon is Ned Stark’s true born son, which makes him a greater threat to Ramsay than you, a bastard, or me, a girl.”
-Sansa

Right before Northmen, Wildlings, and Giants start swinging, Ramsay trots out young Rickon Stark. Remember, the heroes don’t necessarily know that Bran is still alive. To the best of their knowledge Rickon is likely the legitimate Warden of the North.

When Ramsay starts making threats about Rickon, Sansa immediately ends the parlay. As Ned’s trueborn son, Rickon is a clear and present threat to Ramsay’s claim on Winterfell. Jon and Sansa might have had a hard time rallying the houses of the North, but Jon is a bastard and Sansa isn’t just a girl — and girl she is — but twice married to her house’s greatest enemies… Lannister and traitorous Bolton. Rickon might be another story.

Ramsay sets Rickon free but tells him to run; run to his brother and the assembled loyal houses. Before he can get to Jon, Ramsay puts an arrow in Rickon’s back. It’s a devastating end to a Stark boy we haven’t seen for several seasons. It also puts Jon on complete tilt, and the charges six thousand men alone, losing even his horse to a Bolton arrow.

V.
“Our fathers were evil men.”
-Dany

If the Masters’ armada weren’t enough, Dany gets even more ships in “Battle of the Bastards”. Yara and Theon arrive in Meereen with the one hundred best ships of the Ironborn navy, offering them to Dany. They will help transport Dany’s enormous army of Dothraki Bloodriders, Unsullied, and Second Sons to Westeros… and for a less steep price than Uncle Euron would.

Yara and Theon will support Dany’s claim to the Seven Kingdoms, but in return would like the return of the Iron Islands (which it looks like she will oblige, despite Tyrion’s caution that “everyone” might start asking for sovereignty). They would also like Dany to help them murder “an uncle or two; who doesn’t think a woman is fit for the throne.”

Dany and Yara have a short moment; after all, Yara is “up for anything”.

But Dany’s price is steep: The Ironborn will cease reaving and raping, essentially giving up their entire way of life. Yara agrees.

All four of them — Dany, Tyrion, Yara, and Theon — had evil fathers. Tywin was a cruel, cruel man who tortured Tyrion; both the Greyjoy children and Dany had awful kings for dads, megalomaniacs or madmen. Rather than leave the world in a worse place, Dany pledges they will use their assembled power to improve it.

VI.
“We’ll just kill our own men! Stand down.”
-Davos

So horses are smashing into each other. Jon Snow is alone in the center of the battlefield, ready to start swinging his Valyrian Steel sword. Bodies are colliding, both human and equine; there is violence and velocity in every direction, with mud flying and bodies piling up. Ramsay, with superior numbers, just has his archers launching at the scrum of bodies. Who knows who will be hitting what? Davos, from the other side of the field, realizes his men will not be able to aim particularly well, and is much more pragmatic.

VII.
“Your words will disappear, your house will disappear, your name will disappear; all memory of you will disappear.”
-Sansa-Davos

The Knights of the Vale charge in, essentially worldlessly. We just get an overhead shot of their cavalry effortlessly destroying the Bolton shield wall, Sansa next to Littlefinger.

Ramsay — his army eradicated — retreats to Winterfell, but is pursued by Jon, Tormund, and Wun Wun. Wun Wun gives his life bashing down Winterfell’s front door, finally dying to an arrow in the eye by Ramsay himself. But it’s all over. Jon beats Ramsay unconscious with his fists, and leaves little sister to a last conversation with her doomed husband.

Sansa makes a point throughout that to Jon, Ramsay is just a man, and nowhere near as dangerous an opponent as he has faced in the Night King and his wights. But to her Ramsay was so much more… and none of it good. You have to wonder, though, what the motivation of a man like him is. He’s already Warden of the North; he’s got Winterfell; he had — at various times — “the girl” and the heir to the Salt Throne under his power. Why destroy everyone?

Sansa correctly identified that Ramsay is primarily motivated by a sense of significance. He plays with his food. To him, the thing is never just the thing. Sansa’s words are horrifying to a nobleman. He will not only die, but everything about him — including the name he murdered into — will disappear. He threatens that Sansa will never forget him — can’t ever forget him — but it really looks like he’s going to be proven wrong.

VIII.
“My hounds will never harm me.”
-Ramsay

Famous.
Last.
Words.

LOVE
MIKE

[For Game of Thrones “The Broken Man” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
The Broken Man. The High Sparrow considers another target; Jaime confronts a hero; Arya makes a plan.

“The Broken Man” opens on an idyllic pastoral scene. People in a field of green raising a frame of wood. At first I thought it might be the Ironborn building one of the ships that they plan to pledge to the Mother of Dragons… But no. These people look way happy and this landscape is way too pleasant for the Iron Islands (or the frozen North in Winter).

We don’t recognize any of the players on this greenery, not unless you count Ian McShane — hard-swearing, vice-peddling, alum of some HBO Sunday nights past — until, oh shit IS THAT THE HOUND?

It turns out the Hound is alive!

Sandor Clegane was nursed back from grievous injury by McShane’s character; a Septon of the Seven named Brother Ray* … Presumably after his encounter with Brienne the Beauty.

Though she’s never front and center in “The Broken Man” Brienne’s memory (and her Valyrian steel sword) cast a tall shadow that bring us to my Top 8 badass women of “The Broken Man”:

I. Brienne of Tarth

Given the terror that the Hound’s name inspires in the Riverlands — and all the Seven Kingdoms — as the un-Knight, the Kingsguard, the vicious lapdog of a more vicious king, and the scarred kid brother of the Mountain… the warrior — in this case woman — who beat him must inherit a pretty badass reputation.

After seeing him swing an axe, Brother Ray asks Sandor how many men it took to take him down (the answer being one); and if only one, he must have been a monster (not even a “he” but Brienne). Badass.

II. Margaery Tyrell Lannister

When we see Margaery once again with the High Sparrow, we learn a lot about both in a typically compact span. We find out that Margaery hasn’t been intimate with young King Tommen since their reunion last episode… She just doesn’t feel the desires she once did any more. We also find out (perhaps predictably) that the High Sparrow doesn’t consider a woman’s desire is necessary for participation in the marital bed… “only her patience.”

Margaery seems completely mesmerized by the High Sparrow still, a far cry from the woman who pleaded for Loras to hold on to his resolve and sanity earlier in the season, but matters turn when the High Sparrow tells her that her grandmother, the Queen of Thorns, is an unrepentant sinner. The young Queen’s true allegiances quietly resurface when Margaery passes grandma a secret rose-note and a message to get the hell out of dodge; or rather, King’s Landing.

III. Olenna Tyrell, The Queen of Thorns

Speaking of grandma Tyrell — seeing that she is about to leave the mess that Cersei made and calls the capital of the Seven Kingdoms — we finally get to hear out loud what everyone else has been thinking since Season Two. Cersei is a stupid woman who has done nothing but make mistakes, handed King’s Landing to a fanatic army, brought low to ancient houses, and is probably the worst person Lady Olenna Tyrell has ever met.

Olenna expresses joy though, in seeing that Cersei has actually, finally, lost.

IV. Lyanna Mormont

As suggested in the last couple of episodes, Jon and Sansa hit the Kingsroad to drum up support for their neo-Stark anti-Bolton revolution. The first noble house they hit is the Mormonts… Who are led by a ten-year-old Lyanna (named for dead Ned’s sister, natch).

The diminutive Lady is a firecracker. Though she said that Bear Island knows no King but the King in the North (and his name is Stark) she points out that Jon is a Snow and Sansa is either a Bolton or a Lannister. She rejects the idea of being a “beauty” of any kind, noting that her loyal mother was a warrior; and though only ten, she thinks first, always, of the well being of her Bear Island subjects.

It is only the Onion Knight’s impassioned speech that sways young Lyanna. Her own Uncle Jeor — the former Lord Commander of the Kingsguard — chose Jon as his steward and heir back at the Wall; for the true battle is not between petty houses but between the living and the dead. And against that enemy, Jon is the man who can lead humanity to victory (and survival). For the living to stand against the undead they will need a united North, which is impossible if Bolton banners fly over Winterfell.

Lyanna is in!

After all her bluster Lady Mormont can offer only sixty-two fighting men (but she assures the Stark delegation they all fight like ten mainlanders apiece). The Onion Knight says that if they’re half as ferocious as their Lady, the Boltons are doomed.

We all hope so.

V. Sansa Stark Lannister Bolton Stark-I-Guess?

The next stop on the Jon and Sansa train is Glover. The previous Lord Glover died beside their brother Robb; and though he acknowledges the pledge Glover owes Stark, considers the true House Stark dead. Yes — Glover is supposed to come when Stark calls, but where was Stark when the Ironborn were toppling his castle? King Robb was off getting Glover’s brother killed and taking up with “a foreign whore”.

Sansa gets sternly up in Glover’s grill (to no avail); but she did it.

… And when Sansa realizes Jon has not nearly enough men to take Winterfell she does something more: She sends a letter (presumably to Littlefinger) for help. Curiouser and curiouser.

VI. Yara Greyjoy

We learn a bit of what kind of King of the Iron Islands Yara might have made in a brief scene between her and her brother Theon, across the Narrow Sea. Theon doesn’t know why they sailed to where they are… As Yara slaps the backside of a beautiful young woman (presumably a slave girl prostitute by her facial tattoo and state of undress). Why are they there? Because “nothing on the Iron Islands has an ass like that.”

Yara and her crew are on shore leave and she is going to enjoy herself before the trials to come. She knows Uncle Euron will be after them, but Yara plans to sail for Meereen and treat with Dany first. In the meantime? Recreation.

All across this episode we are left to wonder who the titular “broken man” is… Is it the Hound, living in a [doomed] pacifist community, himself running on hate? Is it Jon, who was dead, and now is accused of representing a dead family? Is it Jaime, separated from his family, a fighting man with no right hand? Is it the Blackfish, damning himself and his people to a lengthy siege against superior enemies, but defiant throughout? Or Lord Edmure Tully, who is paraded about, impotently, as a prisoner? In the end, I think that it is Theon… But that badass Yara goes a fair distance in un-breaking him.

VII. Arya Stark

Arya books passage on a ship back to the Seven Kingdoms… And looks good doing it. Arya has somehow not just a pocket full of money, but two pockets full.

Throughout Game of Thrones Arya is badass over and over again. I think her defining characteristic is adaptability. She trains herself to become a water dancer; when her dancing master falls, she becomes a self-sufficient runaway. She outsmarts a Faceless Man and knocks over a fortress almost all by herself. She travels the world at the side of one of the world’s most noted murderers, then joins a holy priesthood of murderers. All along the way she does what she needs to do to survive, thrive, and learn.

But when booking passage, we see a different Arya. The Arya we have been cheering for all these years succeeded (or at least survived) constantly on the brink of disaster. She didn’t know what she was doing most of the time; but here we see a rich girl, raised in a noble house, telling a merchant what to do because she can buy what she wants. This is a completely different side of Arya… Not unlike one of those rare moments when we get cheer for Bruce Wayne instead of Batman.

Our badass heroine takes one last look as the Braavos skyline, when…

VIII. The Waif

The Waif appears in guise of an old woman… So she can sneak up and stab Arya! The Waif stabs Arya repeatedly! But Arya jumps away into the river, admittedly a bloody mess. The foolish, foolish, Waif thinks herself victorious and walks away.

Arya stumbles around the streets of Braavos, bleeding everywhere (and no one helps)… But she’s still alive. And if there is one thing that a living Arya Stark has shown us, it’s adaptability. If she’s still breathing she will be as immovable as her Uncle Blackfish. You won this round, but watch out, Waif.

LOVE
MIKE

* “Named” but never called, I think; I found that in this Entertainment Weekly article; I can’t say I noticed him called that all ep, and IMDB didn’t know his name.

[For Game of Thrones “Blood of My Blood” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
Blood of My Blood. Gilly meets Sam’s family; Arya mulls a difficult decision; Jaime confronts the High Sparrow.

After the greatest episode of Game of Thrones ever in “The Door” almost anything would have been a come down, and “Blood of My Blood” was… But it was also the vehicle to some key reveals, and gave us many important looks — past and present — and glimpses into future violence from everywhere from King’s Landing to the Riverlands to Braavos and the Dothraki Sea. Here are my Top 8 R’s for “Blood of My Blood”:

I. Retract

“Is it too late now to say sorry?”
-Justin Bieber

In last week’s recap of “The Door” I claimed in the Secret Origin of the White Walkers I claimed “Bran wargs into the past multiple times in ‘The Door’ … An early interlude reveals how the Children of the Forest (!!!) created the first White Walkers using magic. A human is shown bound to one of their sacred trees as a wild-eyed Child of the Forest plunges a wooden stake into his chest as his eyes turn blue.”

HOWEVER

Multiple friends / readers / even co-contributors pointed out that it was not wood but obsidian that the Children of the Forest used to create the aforementioned Others. This was confirmed in “Blood of My Blood” with one of the most anticipated revelations in show history.

@luisneiman @fivewithflores Agreed definitely looked like dragon glass. Probably why they are vulnerable to it.

— Brian David-Marshall (@Top8Games) May 23, 2016

II. Reveal

Uncle Benjen Stark, kid brother to Ned, and onetime First Ranger of the Night’s Watch has been missing since Season One! He basically brought his bastard nephew up to the Wall and then left him there to fend for himself among all the thieves / murderers / rapers / disgraced nobles (you know, to eventually become the big boss, and then more eventually to get killed by his own men)… And went out for cigarettes.

At the end of “The Door” Meera and Bran abandon the Three-Eyed Raven’s cave, leaving him, the Children of the Forest, Summer, and poor Hodor to sacrifice themselves to ensure their escape. But Meera is just one girl — even if she is a badass White Walker-killing girl — and they are being chased by innumerable undead.

Dead themselves, right?

Not.

So.

Fast.

A rider appears wielding a sickle and a flaming morningstar. He beats up many a wight, facilitating the escape of our two remaining young Northern nobles. It is, of course, Uncle Benjen.

There are three key reveals here:

1. Benjen Stark is alive, and was saved by the Children of the Forest. Benjen was stabbed by a White Walker’s sword of ice and left to turn; the Children saved him before becoming undead could take entirely.
2. A similar process used to create the White Walkers was used to save Benjen: a shard of obsidian to the heart (that’s how I know to retract my comment about wood, in the previous bullet). Benjen doesn’t seem at 100%; at least 100% human (though maybe he’s better in some way); his face is covered when Meera and Bran first encounter him (which is why Bran doesn’t immediately recognize him) and when he pulls down his mask, his face looks rotten. Benjen is half-turned, but seems to retain his personality and heroism.
3. Burn them all! Bran wargs all the way back to the last Targaryen King, mingling images of the pyromaniac madness that precipitated Robert’s Rebellion with Bran’s own [present-day] flight from the wights. Burn them all? We know Bran’s voice can affect the past; at both the Tower of Joy and “Hold the door.” Does Bran’s current conflict with highly flammable undead have anything to do with the inexplicable turn of the Mad King decades ago?

III. Ransack

Sam brings Gilly and her / their son to Horn Hill. The Citadel doesn’t admit women, and Sam’s plan is to leave Gilly and (supposedly) his father’s grandson to the Tarly castle to live. Sam’s mother and sister seem lovely. His brother is a bit brusque but doesn’t seem that bad a guy. His father though… Jeepers! Jerk. You’d almost think this were a man who could force his firstborn son to renounce his title and inheritance, and pledge himself to a lifetime of celibate service at the edge of civilization; you know, for being a bookish fatty.

Lady Tarly tries to point out that being the Master of the Night’s Watch is a position of great honor, but dad won’t have it. He only cares for a son who can swing a sword; you know, like Heartsbane.

Gilly can’t take Lord Tarly’s verbal abuse of Sam, and reveals that — far from being a soft nerd — Sam killed not only a Thenn but a White Walker. He is the greatest hero at the dinner table, at least.

It’s hard to tell who prejudiced papa hates more: his son (heavy set disappointment) or Gilly (wildling). Sam has the last laugh, though. He won’t leave his family at Horn Hill, and won’t leave his inheritance, either. Sam takes Heartsbane! When Gilly says that Lord Tarly will come for it, we see a glimpse of the badass hero that sometimes comes out of Sam:

“He can bloody well try.”

IV. Reunite

Margaery and Tommen reunite in an almost surreal scene orchestrated by the High Sparrow. Margaery’s defiance seems erased. It is a difficult scene to parse; Tommen sees Margaery as the best person he knows. Margaery thinks herself a fraud and liar. The King and Queen agree that the High Sparrow is not what either of them thought.

This is one of those scenes that asks us to think hard about the perspectives that come with so many different points of view on Game of Thrones. Who is right? Is Margaery’s turn from proud princess to penitent good or bad? Is the High Sparrow sinister or genuine? Will this ever be ironed out? Can it?

V. Reverse

The Rose army, under the command of Lord Tyrell himself, marches on the Sept. Jaime and Lord Tyrell declare that they will slaughter every last Sparrow before Queen Margaery is forced to do a Cersei-esque walk of shame.

The High Sparrow says that each and every one of his people would gladly die in service to the gods… But they don’t have to. Margaery has already atoned, by bringing someone else into the faith… Tommen!

Tommen has gone full faithful. The Queen of Thorns herself says that the nobles are beaten. As an official “holy alliance between the Crown and the Faith” is announced, Jaime is kicked out of the Kingsguard by his own son, stripped of being Lord Commander for speaking out against his beloved High Sparrow.

Reversal after reversal after reversal…

VI. Reject

Across the Narrow Sea in Braavos, Arya attends what should be the last performance of Lady Crane. The performance is very deliberately staged by director Jack Bender. We can see the foppish over-the-top performances by all the other players; cheesy rhyming couplets, comically stylized props, and fart jokes… But Lady Crane is good. Unbelievably good despite weak material. Her jealous understudy is seen mouthing her lines in the background. And Lady Crane is kind to Arya herself.

Arya has a change of heart, dashes the poisoned cup from her hand, and warns her of the treachery of the younger actress.

Waiting in the wings is the waif. She obtains permission from Jaquen to kill the traitorous Arya!

The waif might get more than she bargained for, though; as Arya recovers Needle from its hiding place.

VII. Relinquish

Lord Frey and his family spent 300 years licking Tully boots, but now they are the lords of the Riverlands. Except they’re not. As we learned last week the Blackfish has raised an army and retaken Riverrun. “But Dad, Riverrun can hold out against us for a year!” Except it can’t (at least according to Lord Frey); he has kept Lord Edmure — heir to House Tully — in his dungeon for the past several seasons, and hopes to trade the Tully for the Tully castle.

VIII. ROAR!

Drogon is back, and seems bigger than ever. Dany delivers an impassioned speech (in Dothraki of course) astride her largest dragon. She will raise a thousand ships, loaded with Dothraki, their horses, Unsullied, and Second Sons to retake the Seven Kingdoms. All the Dothraki think this is a great idea; or at least I think they do (not sure, as I don’t speak Dothraki).

Of course no one has a fleet of one thousand ships; no one “yet” quips Dany… And we know from up in the Iron Islands that there is someone with exactly the agenda of delivering the greatest fleet in history to exactly this Queen.

LOVE
MIKE

[For Game of Thrones “The Door” or any other recaps on Fetchland, assume the presence of possible spoilers.]

HBO Summary:
The Door. Tyrion seeks a strange ally; Bran learns a great deal; Brienne goes on a mission.

Kinda think that was the best episode of #GameofThrones ever.

— Michael Flores (@fivewithflores) May 23, 2016

Lots of stuff happened in “The Door”. I have serious doubts that some of these events were how George R.R. Martin originally envisioned them; and my guess is that if and when the novels are actually completed some of these characters’ ends — and beginnings — will be resolved differently.

That said, Game of Thrones the television show has long ago outstripped A Song of Ice and Fire (its source material); and in the case of the wildly excellent “The Door” I’m just happy to be along for the ride.

My Top 8 Most Epic Moments from “The Door”:

8. Lord Commander Dolorous Edd

In one of the closing scenes of “The Door”, Jon Snow moves to leave Castle Black, presumably to rally Northern lords to the Stark name against the treacherous Boltons. He claps Edd on the shoulder and tells him not to knock [the Wall] down while he’s gone. At this point it’s quite uncertain who the Lord Commander is; Jon certainly seems to be telling Edd what to do, and voicing an intent to return.

As Jon and company ride off, a Brother addresses Edd as Lord Commander, asking him if he should close the gate behind the departing Jon. Edd first begins that he isn’t the Lord Comma– but then looks around as the camera pulls back on a long shot of the Castle Black courtyard, and starts issuing orders.

Can Jon really just declare someone Lord Commander? Because it looks like Edd is officially in charge.

7. Tyrion Takes a Reluctant Bow

Tyrion and Varys recruit Kinvara, “High Priestess of the Red Temple of Volantis, the Flametruth, the Light of Wisdom, and First Servant of the Lord of Light” — the ranking priestess of Red R’hllor — as an ally in spreading the good word of Queen Daenerys Targaryen. The priestess proclaims Dany as the [one*] who was promised; her dragons the Lord of Light’s fire made flesh.

Varys rightly points out that another priestess of R’hllor — Melisandre — previously declared Stannis Baratheon as the chosen one; and the man at his side — Tyrion Lannister — defeated that chosen one soundly. “The Door” was not much about Tyrion, and the scene itself was not much about Tyrion (much more about the origins and destiny of Lord Varys) but hell if that wasn’t a good reason to beam at the accomplishments of one of our favorite characters.

6. The Cruel Justice of the Many-Faced God

“Does death only come for the wicked, and leave the decent behind?”
-Jaqen H’ghar

Arya continues her training as a Faceless Man in “The Door”, with a pretty good quarterstaff training session with the Waif; and an infiltration assignment in advance of an assassination job.

Arya’s interlude in Braavos is short but quite dense. We get to see how good the Waif — so presumably any trained Faceless Man — is in a fair fight (amazing). We learn the secret origin of the Free City of Braavos (founded by the original Faceless Men). And we get a rare glimpse at some male genitals on Game of Thrones. Breasts there are aplenty, but uncircumcized penis? I think this episode was a first.

Arya seems conflicted about her career / religious choices. It doesn’t seem like she wants to murder a “decent” woman; but like Jaqen says, death comes for both the wicked and the decent, and if the price has been paid, the servants of the Many-Faced God are meant to do as they’re told.

So… Priestess or princess?

5. The Secret Origin of the White Walkers

Bran wargs into the past multiple times in “The Door” … An early interlude reveals how the Children of the Forest (!!!) created the first White Walkers using magic. A human is shown bound to one of their sacred trees as a wild-eyed Child of the Forest plunges a wooden stake into his chest as his eyes turn blue.

The White Walkers were a weapon of war that the Children of the Forest created to fight — you guessed it — encroaching humans who were cutting down their trees.

4. Khaleesi’s Hope

Dany isn’t sure what to do. She banished Jorah the Andal twice; and twice he returned, saving her life time and again. She can’t take him back, and she can’t send him away.

Jorah sends himself away, showing Dany the greyscale infection.

In one of the truly rare moments of hope on Game of Thrones, Dany orders Jorah to find a cure, then return to her; for when she conquers the Seven Kingdoms, she needs him at her side.

A lot of terrible things happen on this show; and both heroes and villains meet violent ends. Jorah, for his treachery but ultimate devotion and bravery, is already in a terrible spot (you know, fatal disease and all). But with Dany commanding him to find a cure you kind of get the idea that he is going to; he is going to be back; and maybe — just maybe — he will get what he ultimately wants (which is Dany). Remember, Dany has every Dothraki bloodrider there is at her back now, a mercenary company, command of the Unsullied, et cetera ad infinitum… But precious few Westerosi nobles to potentially marry.

Jorah? Really? Maybe!

3. The Brutal Logic of the Kingsmoot

Yara opens on a pretty good speech, and when her gender is called into question (the Ironborn have never had a ruling Queen), Theon makes an impassioned speech that has the Ironborn rooting Yara’s name.

… Until another Greyjoy — the murderous uncle Euron — appears to challenge for the Salt Throne.

Euron has an amazing pitch; like Yara he wants to build a thousand deadly ships to reave the Seven Kingdoms; but he has a long-term political agenda she didn’t quite think about. There is someone on the other side of the Narrow Sea who also hates the Lords of Westeros; someone with “a large army, three large dragons, and no husband.”

Euron wants to build the navy not just for the Ironborn, but to offer to Dany, as he aspires to rule not just the Iron Islands, but alongside the Mother of Dragons.

So Euron is the new King of the Iron Islands, Yara and Theon flee stealing all the best Ironborn boats, and the kinslaying and murderous new King orders every man to start cutting down trees and every woman to start sewing up sails. Focus, Ironborn. The only thing left unclear is the priority order of 1) killing his niece and nephew, 2) actually building the greatest fleet the world has ever known, and 3) offering the aforementioned fleet to Dany for like wars and stuff.

2. The Beginning and End of Hodor

It looks increasingly like Bran’s time travel warging is the glue that holds Game of Thrones together. When he returns to the site of the birth of the White Walkers [in the past] the Night’s King sees him, touches him, and “marks” him… Allowing the White Walkers and their wights to breach the protections of the Children of the Forest in the present.

Bran returns to a long-ago Winterfell — the day Ned left for the Vale — and wargs into Hodor in past and present at the same time.

After a disastrous battle that costs our heroes Summer, Leaf (and other Children of the Forest), and the Three-Eyed Raven, Bran wargs into Hodor to “hold the door**” against a legion of persuing wights and White Walkers. “Hold the door” in the present is etched into Hodor’s mind in the past, such that it is the only thing on his mind for the next couple of decades. Thus we learn as an extension of Ned hearing Bran at the Tower of Joy that Bran’s warging can affect the past, rather than just observe it.

It might not be fair to say that Hodor died a hero’s sacrifice because Bran was controlling his mind at the time; but it is certainly a fulfillment of his destiny, the beginning and end of his particular Circle of Life all at once. My guess is that this episode ranks behind only “The Rains of Castamere” in its overlap of “aw shit” and uncontrollable tears from HBO fans.

1. Sansa faces off with Littlefinger

If you’ve already seen “The Door” you can probably alrady imagine yourself glued to the water cooler at the office tomorrow, ooh-ing and ah-ing over the final eleven minutes. Night’s King and wights against Children of the Forest. Noble sacrifice by Summer. Badass White Walker walloping by Meera. All big, all moving, all ultra violent.

But for my money, the best scene in possibly the best episode of Game of Thrones — ever — was the opening one.

Littlefinger journeys North to meet Sansa, Knights of the Vale at his back. He tells her the Blackfish has reunited Tully and retaken Riverrun. Her mother’s family will join her father’s name in rescuing Rickon and the North if only she asks.

She doesn’t care.

Did you know about Ramsay?

Either he didn’t know (and he is an idiot) or he did know (and he is her enemy).

Not only can Littlefinger not protect Sansa, but he can’t even protect himself; not if she tells Brienne to unsheath Oathkeeper.

“The Door” is uncharted territory from a George R.R. Martin perspective, but delivers the best line I can remember… “You freed me from the monsters who murdered my family… And gave me to other monsters who murdered my family.”

Sansa had a terrible time of it last season surely, but we never had a sense of how bad until this heartwrenching scene with Littlefinger. “Did he cut you?” (looks like you did know). There are things Ladies don’t talk about but brothel keepers must, and often. Sansa is always in these loose, flowing gowns, and actress Sophie Turner’s face is always resplendent. Ramsay would never hurt the face of Ned Stark’s daughter (which he needed whole and healthy to hold the North), but all the other parts that no one else sees were fair game as long as they were still able to bear an heir. Sansa implies she is feeling physical — not just mental — wounds, right then and there, still; weeks or months since escaping Ramsay.

I have had a longstanding venom for Sansa, since Season One and in truth years before Game of Thrones ever hit the air. In a very real sense, Sansa’s desire to be a Baratheon Lannister Queen caused the death of her father and the downfall of her family. BDM argued that falling under the shadow of Littlefinger’s wing was Sansa’s step towards self-actualization and self-preservation. I never knew what to make of her marriage to Ramsay. Yes he’s awful, but to what degree did she know what she was getting into? Was this a calculated move towards accumulating power that tragically went sideways? This scene clarifies a lot around Sansa, and gives her, finally, her big moment against one of the Big Bads of the show.

It’s awesome, and after all these seasons, I was finally happy to be rooting for her.

“The Door” is, I think, the best episode of Game of Thrones ever. Just the origin of Hodor, or the White Walkers, or Braavos would have been a satisfying mystery solved in most episodes. This one gave us all three. Just those eleven minutes of battle and chase and heroism and sacrifice; of the Three-Eyed Raven, of Leaf, of Summer dying to save Bran would have been unbelievable in most episodes… But nothing compared to Sansa v. Littlefinger to me. I’ve watched “The Door” twice already. I doubt they will be my two only viewings.

LOVE
MIKE

* Not “Prince”, clearly.

** Presumably the titular “Door”